Sherbert by wewak11

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Sherbert dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	wewak11
Elite Ratio:	3.8 - 3432/3623/327
Words:	116

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	201
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	990

Description:

Sherbert dots

-------------------------------------------

You make me fizz...

My blood turns to lemonade
when I touch you.
My chocolate heart melts
as I taste your sorbet lips,
discover your soft centre.

I lay you in a candy box
of praline promises,
nibbling your nougat
until you giggle away
doubts and roll about
begging coconut kisses.

I unwrap your smooth coating,
licking the sweetness
of quirkish delights
as we swim
in a melted caramel pool
of cream-coated love.

Musk sticks and moonbeams
as we feed each other marshmallow,
savor devotion's cachous.
Lying replete,
licking our lips
until you smile and...

you make me fizz

__________________________________________________________

Submitted on 2006-05-16 16:42:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  OMFG graeme!!
this is such an amazing piece, its bursting at the seams with passion and love, its so beautiful.
it shows just how much you love this person, how much you appreciate them and how sweet they are to you!!
i LOVE it graeme
keep it up hun!!

<3
asher
| Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by brokenHEARTed09 | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a bit to hot for my taste...lol

Well written and there is nothing in here that I would change. Definitely an enjoyable read.

Keep up the good work

Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  Graeme
Once again you created a masterpiece
You are brilliant at writing my Friend
I love how you always capture your theme and write a tale surronded on it
I just have one question though Graeme
In America Sherbert is a form of an ice cream not candy that confused me a little
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  mmmmm...quite yummy! Sweet love making with scrumptious desserts...how can a person go wrong there? HA!

This was just like...the Starbursts of the day man, plenty good stuff.

| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  What a yummy piece. I have such a sweet tooth. Especially for well mixed loved poems...

The only issue I had with this was all the 'and's.
I have a couple suggestions, but toss them if you're focusing on rhythm or flow and the suggestions don't hold true..

My blood turns to lemonade
and when I touch you
my chocolate heart melts
as I taste your sorbet lips
[-and]find[ing] your soft centre.

I lay you in a candy box
of praline promises
[-and] nibbl[ing] your nougat
until you giggle away
doubts and roll about
begging coconut kisses.

I unwrap your smooth coating
and lick the sweetness
of quirkish delights
as we swim
in melted caramel
[-and] tast[ing] cream-coated love.

I know you hate to be repetitive, so maybe these will help.

I really like this piece. I'm stealing it to put on my page.

Take Care!

Chell
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  This really is a yummy love... you have described a tasteful relationship... SWEET
I like your poem; I like the fact that you compared a relationship with sweets. Most people on this site write this kind of poems just after they were dumped so they compare love and relationships with death, crime, suicide and other ugly things. It is very nice to see a change in the 'decor'.
Hope you will always feel this way
Sad Lion
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Sad Lion | [ Reply to This ]
  Graeme...I'm am so in the mood to feel fizzy. lol. I adored the little candy hearts. This was a very creative ans "sweet" poem. With little undertones of sexuality in a tasteful manner. I was pleased to read this and felt you did a great job with this. You sure know how to make me want to try out your poems on my bf. lol.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite a delicious bit of sweet loving going on here.
Nice metaphors used to describe the hot, yet sensual side of making out.
I really can't say much more than the fact that this was good and...
I enjoyed!!
I think I like the third stanza the best.. but it's all good.
Nice work!
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.