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    dots Submission Name: Sherbertdots

    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 990


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    You make me fizz...

    My blood turns to lemonade
    when I touch you.
    My chocolate heart melts
    as I taste your sorbet lips,
    discover your soft centre.

    I lay you in a candy box
    of praline promises,
    nibbling your nougat
    until you giggle away
    doubts and roll about
    begging coconut kisses.

    I unwrap your smooth coating,
    licking the sweetness
    of quirkish delights
    as we swim
    in a melted caramel pool
    of cream-coated love.

    Musk sticks and moonbeams
    as we feed each other marshmallow,
    savor devotion's cachous.
    Lying replete,
    licking our lips
    until you smile and...

    you make me fizz


    Submitted on 2006-05-16 16:42:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      OMFG graeme!!
    this is such an amazing piece, its bursting at the seams with passion and love, its so beautiful.
    it shows just how much you love this person, how much you appreciate them and how sweet they are to you!!
    i LOVE it graeme
    keep it up hun!!

    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by brokenHEARTed09 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a bit to hot for my taste...lol

    Well written and there is nothing in here that I would change. Definitely an enjoyable read.

    Keep up the good work

    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
    Once again you created a masterpiece
    You are brilliant at writing my Friend
    I love how you always capture your theme and write a tale surronded on it
    I just have one question though Graeme
    In America Sherbert is a form of an ice cream not candy that confused me a little
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmmm...quite yummy! Sweet love making with scrumptious desserts...how can a person go wrong there? HA!

    This was just like...the Starbursts of the day man, plenty good stuff.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      What a yummy piece. I have such a sweet tooth. Especially for well mixed loved poems...

    The only issue I had with this was all the 'and's.
    I have a couple suggestions, but toss them if you're focusing on rhythm or flow and the suggestions don't hold true..

    My blood turns to lemonade
    and when I touch you
    my chocolate heart melts
    as I taste your sorbet lips
    [-and]find[ing] your soft centre.

    I lay you in a candy box
    of praline promises
    [-and] nibbl[ing] your nougat
    until you giggle away
    doubts and roll about
    begging coconut kisses.

    I unwrap your smooth coating
    and lick the sweetness
    of quirkish delights
    as we swim
    in melted caramel
    [-and] tast[ing] cream-coated love.

    I know you hate to be repetitive, so maybe these will help.

    I really like this piece. I'm stealing it to put on my page.

    Take Care!

    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      This really is a yummy love... you have described a tasteful relationship... SWEET
    I like your poem; I like the fact that you compared a relationship with sweets. Most people on this site write this kind of poems just after they were dumped so they compare love and relationships with death, crime, suicide and other ugly things. It is very nice to see a change in the 'decor'.
    Hope you will always feel this way
    Sad Lion
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Sad Lion | [ Reply to This ]
      Graeme...I'm am so in the mood to feel fizzy. lol. I adored the little candy hearts. This was a very creative ans "sweet" poem. With little undertones of sexuality in a tasteful manner. I was pleased to read this and felt you did a great job with this. You sure know how to make me want to try out your poems on my bf. lol.

    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Quite a delicious bit of sweet loving going on here.
    Nice metaphors used to describe the hot, yet sensual side of making out.
    I really can't say much more than the fact that this was good and...
    I enjoyed!!
    I think I like the third stanza the best.. but it's all good.
    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

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