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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Watching A Mouse Diedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Colten
    ASL Info:    19/Man?lol/U of I
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 62/99/43
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1028



    Description:
       Death can be cruel, but we must not respond likewise. Pity is what we should feel. Pity for the lost.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWatching A Mouse Diedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The other day I stood above a mouse,

    He was dying in grass,

    His breathing was labored,
    And little muscle spasms took his limbs,
    Every now and again,

    "I pity you" I said,
    Standing tall,

    He hunched at such a low level,
    All curled up,
    Struggling against pain,

    his spittle had tints of blood,
    From internal trauma,

    *sigh*

    I took a deep breath,
    As I watched the pathetic animal,
    Fighting for a life,
    That I knew he would never recapture,

    For ten minutes...and seven seconds,
    He pained,

    Until death took him away,

    I stood for another ten minutes,
    Watching the little dead mouse,
    Feeling fear, sadness, and sorrow,

    And a single tear fell off my face,
    To land,
    On the little broken body,

    My gift,
    To an innocent life.






    Submitted on 2006-05-16 17:20:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Colten, You did it again. I can totally tell that it is yours, it has that unique blend of empathy and insight that I love about your work. It is so detailed, the little things add so much to the overall effect, like the fact that you watched for ten minutes and seven seconds. The ending is so perfect, it is everything that you told me it was. I am so jealous.
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by jennah | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an interesting write reminded me in a sense of my poem dying of a dove however I took a different approach, in a sense to the issue of the dying animal.

    Anyway, I enjoyed this. The only thing I would have to say about this as already said, such as the word pitty with two 't' should be pity and sigh I would recommend you put in italics like its said very subtly and in teh background like. But I guess you could also place it in astericks like Graeme suggested if anything.

    Keep up the good work
    Take care
    Later

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting write
    And yet quite sad
    What I would have done is try to help this mouse any way I can and if I couldnt then I would have begun digging a small grave for him so I could bury him
    It is truly sad watching death unfold As I have viewed it a couple of times and every time I tried my best to resurrect the person or animal and I have succedded a couple of times
    Nice Write
    And let me be one of the first to Welcome you to Elite Skills I hope this site brings you all the happiness it has brought me
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm...I've seen mice die too, but quickly (I have a friend that has a python). I wish you would have said you squashed him with your boot, but can understand why you wouldnt...but I hate seeing things suffer.

    Your descriptions were great and the way you told the story was excellently done. Very good write and thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful, I especially appreciate the mention of seconds. what a lonely piece. a lot is said about his body, but when i think of it i want to know how the eyes looked. maybe we're not as concerned with how the mouse is feeling? just a thought
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by deadsqrl | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice little story, innocent was a great word to end with. You showed the reality of death in a good way. Why does nobody grieve for a dead mouse?

    A couple of tiny things: don't call your post a "story" people are lazy and think it will be a long read. This could be classed as a poem or prose anyway, or leave it misc.

    the sigh, I'd use asterisks, so it goes *sigh* it makes more impact like that.

    "pitty" s/be "pity"

    Apart from that, I quite liked it, and well done.

    Welcome to ES!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sad. You made a tragedy from the death of a mouse and this makes your poem impressive. You showed us that even the most innocent creatures suffer. I think that you should have spared him from sufferance... in my opinion this is the greatest favor done to someone or something that doesn't deserve to die.

    Sad Lion
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Sad Lion | [ Reply to This ]


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