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    dots Submission Name: [work in progress] ver. 2dots

    Author: _proper_noun_
    ASL Info:    20/m/OK
    Elite Ratio:    5.36 - 106/88/24
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Satire
    Total Views: 1421
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1479


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots[work in progress] ver. 2dots

    The calm of the cup has died inside your veins,
    And the smoke from the cigarette won't mean a thing.
    Everyone's gone and you're falling asleep.
    The salt on your pillow never tasted so sweet.

    They say:
    To the God we believe.
    He lives in a book
    And from there He will look,
    But He won't do a thing for our pain."

    The mornings are blurry with tears in your eyes;
    Dust turns to mud as flesh turns to flies.
    You know the fathers who don't love their daughters,
    And all of the mothers who gave up their sons.
    The sunset looks bloody, just like everybody.
    Their faces are one and the same.
    You've seen the people who died with their steeples,
    And whose bright Sunday candles remained.

    They say:
    Is the God we can't see.
    He lives in a book
    And from there He will look,
    But He won't do a thing for our pain.
    We mothers and fathers
    Must pillage and slaughter,
    To live in this world we created."

    So we say:
    To the God we believe.
    He lives in a world
    Where we all will be hurt,
    And we never believe we can change.
    Hope has been slaughtered
    By our mothers and fathers,
    But they're not the ones we should blame."

    Submitted on 2006-05-16 18:01:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Topic aside, this feels very Irish. It reminded me of those songs that were written anonymously to be song by drunks, forlorns and hobos in pubs back when Ireland was under the rule of England and years of poverty after that.

    Whether or not you would take that as a compliment is up to you.

    On a personal note, I think that the first stanza is the strongest part of the piece. The imagery you presented, felt somewhat specific but familiar. It is like mentioning something mundane and letting our minds search for the calm of cups and the cigarette smoke in our lives.

    The line that started this whole thing off is beautiful. It is like being one with the cup... like letting go of all hope and surrendering it to the silence of things. It felt like you were letting existence take its course because life has had enough and it has already left. More importantly, it was strong enough to keep me interested throughout the whole thing.

    I think that if you could maintain that power through out, you're all set.

    Another thing, I honestly don't think you need the they say... they say... we say... indicators if you just italicize what it is that was said.

    To the God we believe.
    He lives in a book
    And from there He will look,
    But He won't do a thing for our pain."

    You see, with this effect... it will allow your readers the power to place themselves in your shoes. It will give them the notion of being transported to a level of consciousness that could hear the thunderous chorus. It won't be so hard for them to accept it because the message is so generally spoken in different ways that it belongs to world of the forsaken.

    But that's just what I think.

    It is after all your piece...

    Feel free to do what you want.

    As long as you like it... it doesn't matter what I say.

    Anyway, I thought the whole thing was solid even after considering the possibility that this is an unfinished piece.

    To me, it is ruggedly colorful and emotionally driven.

    Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]

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