Description: I named this " A poet at my door" because Otep this heavy metal band has always really inspired me with my poetry and has always helped my emotions flow. Whenever the world is falling apart I feel like otep always knows how to react, right now Otep is the only truth I have
also Otep is poet backwords so yeah...
A poet at my door -------------------------------------------
Because every breath feels like a silent scream
That I cannot silence even in my sleep
Drowning out the words, the rejection and the hurt
One voice keeps me sane
One voice holds back the tears
She screams of pain
Her voice is like salvation from this hell
She lets me know I’m not alone
Even when I’m the only one in the room
She drowns out my pain
She gives me strength
And when I wake up I carry her words
With me, throughout the day
I have no other choice but to smile and nod
What can I say to them? How do I let them know I’m not okay
Everywhere I turn another tear has been spilled
I never knew words could hurt so much
I never really knew fear
What did I do? Why do they hate me so?
I’m tired of being attacked, I’m sick of all this crap
Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t feel
Because every stab at my heart causes me to fall apart
I listen to her voice
Only her alone
And when I get home
I finally have a chance to let her know that I’m not okay
And I cry myself to sleep
And I wake up to my worst enemy
Who knew that he could cause so much comfort in my time of need?
I shed every tear that comes to mind
And hope that maybe I’ll run out
And yet when I cannot breathe a burst of fresh rain pours down on me
By day I’m a flower, a sunflower
following the sun
By night before the moon comes out my petals shrivel
And I become a silent storm
Maybe when the skies clear up
Maybe when the storm has passed
Maybe one day I wont need Otep
to hold back the tears
You do know that Otep is not Poet spelled backwards. In fact Otep is Peto spelled backwards, lol. But if you rearrange the letters it can spell poet. Idiot gosh!
I won't b.s. with you because that's not going to help you in any way grow as a writer, so here it is. It's always good to get your feelings out the and in a first draft it's important just to write for such a purpose. I just don't feel you are getting your feelings out there this piece is labeled the pain inside but with little insight to what's going on in your life. It touches very lightly on people hating you and this causes you pain. People; especially teens but centainly not limited to, will try to cut you down because they have their own faults and are uncomfortable with some aspect of themselves. The best thing to do is just be who you are be bold be youself and people will like or dislike you for who you are but that's their perogative either way they'll admired your courage in being straight forward. Enough of a complete stranger trying to give you advice on how to live your life, so time for my critique of this poem.
"Because every breath feels like a silent scream That I cannot silence even in my sleep"
The concept of a silent scream and such polar opposite has been used in this type of poetry probably billions of times. It been done so often I bet you can probably find something to it's affect 1000 times if you searched the site. So i'll give you my adive on these two lines first. By merely droping silent you've eliminated a large part of the cliché there is still an element of clichéness, but its lessened tenfold. As such it reads
""Because every breath feels like a scream That I cannot silence even in my sleep"
I also think that eliminating certain words that don't added anything to the poem would be useful. The because would be alright with some repetition but by dropping because it shortens it and gets right to the point.
Every breath feels like a scream That even sleep can't silence
Next
"And when I wake up I carry her words With me, throughout the day"
The with me is infered so its not necessary to have it, its not a crime to keep it.
"Because every stab at my heart causes me to fall apart" These words even used toghether stab at my heart and fall apart are also overused probably at least 100 times on this site alone in this combination. I guess the possitive here is that people can relate to this the poeple who reject you themselves feel rejected. Also there is always a choice to mask your feelings or not though we live in a world of the how are you asked only as a courtesy most people want to here that you're doing well because they don't want to deal with your suffering it's purely programming the question and the expected response.
I like this stanza a lot "I shed every tear that comes to mind And hope that maybe I’ll run out And yet when I cannot breathe a burst of fresh rain pours down on me"
Sheding every tear that comes to mind is quite original I've never heard it before. I don't no if you meant the rain to represent relief from pain rather then the pain itself but it reads that way and it is refreshing to see someone who doesn't distain this weather pattern. I love storms. Anyway I hope this was helpful rahter than hurtful and I thank you for your write and time. peace
Because I have never given myself the opportunity to look in the mirror and say I am sorry. I am always apologizing. I apologize to the whole world but I never apologize to me. I can't do it. To forgive myself would be to admit defeat. For some reason I am always fighting against myself and in the end I lose. Why? Because whatever I throw against me it is thrown back. Because I am tired of living like this. Because I never voice out my opinion. I dont' tell the world that I am sad. I don't tell them that each night I wish I could die so the pain and guilt will go away. Because every night that I go to sleep I dream, I dream of a world where no one else belongs but me. Because I have spent a wasted life. Because every day that I go to sleep I die. I wallow in pain, in pity and in tears. The tears, those salty drops that never seem to cease. Because, just because. Sorry that I have rambled on its just that I felt I needed to give you a little insight on what is going on in my life. I have kept it inside so long that I don't know how to get rid of it now. I really don't want to burden you with my troubles. They are mine to bear and I haven't learnd how to share them yet.
I didn't understand one part though.
And I wake up to my worst enemy Who knew that he could cause so much comfort in my time of need?
I don't know what that means.
Your poem was great. At the end I was on the brink of crying. Actually a couple of tears actually fell out. I am so sorry that I have not been there for you the way I should have. I feel that I have also been so concerned with my problems that I have not been a good friend. For that I apologize. Your poem is a reflection of your feelings. I think that the events in your life have served one good purpose, they have inspired you. This is definetly one of your best poems. I love it.
Submission Name: A poet at my door
