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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reflective Watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rastine Aristat
    ASL Info:    19/Male/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 125/62/31
    Words: 264
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1038
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1689



    Description:
       Ok, I've changed it a little bit, but this was orriginally a piece that I wrote for a contest. I didn't win, but hey, It's long over, so I have decided to post it now. Another personal reflection, but hey, we'll all live, right? as Always, put honesty before kindness, but don't hold back.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReflective Watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Look into the crystalline pool that is
    Who I am and who I was, in turn
    And who I never wanted to be.
    There are scars on my heart,
    That only I can see.

    The first vision fills my mind
    A warm fire casts in me
    A searing flash of joy.
    Undefiled by betrayal, running rampant
    is a joyous, innocent boy.

    Lurking in the shadows,
    Is a hateful child, full of spite.
    Cut down the innocent one.
    Sanguine streams feed Hellish fires,
    In the eyes of this, the wrathful one.

    When the blood has been spilt,
    And rage no longer an option,
    In Fury‘s wake, Repentance can be found.
    To relieve those he’s harmed,
    And run his icy wrath aground.

    But Repentance became unnecessary,
    But with Innocence dead,
    And having developed a healthy fear,
    That Fury might once more take control,
    A new spirit of me must be made,
    Sojourn comes, holding his quandaries so dear.

    With these musings, invariably I find,
    The muddled anguish of past life times.
    Each time I let my mind roam free.
    Dare I hope, now that he’s gone,
    That I may find my first jubilee?

    But now ‘tis time to return
    From the reflective waters.
    What has been, is all they show,
    What is now, the waters don‘t see,
    The future it’s shores can never know.

    I look to the dawn,
    For in its light I’ll find,
    That neither rock nor paper tome,
    Hold any of the future’s verses
    Setting off now, and in peace I’ll make my home.




    Submitted on 2006-05-17 02:22:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      "Reflective Waters"
    -------------------------------------------


    >> A very Inviting title. good one!<<

    "Look into the crystalline pool that is
    Who I am and who I was, in turn
    And who I never wanted to be.
    There are scars on my heart,
    That only I can see."

    >>Another of style of poetry is not to reveal that the crystalline pool is in fact an image for "who I am and who I was" and allow the metaphors and suggestive language point in that direction. But not to worry. I do that more than I want to. Let's say it's a matter of style.<<


    "The first vision fills my mind
    A warm fire casts in me
    A searing flash of joy.
    Undefiled by betrayal, running rampant
    is a joyous, innocent boy."


    >>The second stanza is full of life and hope. Great read!<<

    "Lurking in the shadows,
    Is a hateful child, full of spite.
    Cut down the innocent one.
    Sanguine streams feed Hellish fires,
    In the eyes of this, the wrathful one."

    >>Now that is getting up-close and almost too personal. The discomfort probably coming from the fact that this excellent contrast in comparison is pointing myself as a boy. What an expose...<<

    "When the blood has been spilt,
    And rage no longer an option,
    In Fury‘s wake, Repentance can be found.
    To relieve those he’s harmed,
    And run his icy wrath aground."

    >>This is probably the most dramatic and effective stanza in the whole poem. But that is my opinion. It is racy and yet hard-hitting. Solid in its 'wordage' and pulsating with suggestion.<<

    "But Repentance became unnecessary,
    But with Innocence dead,
    And having developed a healthy fear,
    That Fury might once more take control,
    A new spirit of me must be made,
    Sojourn comes, holding his quandaries so dear."

    >>Two "buts" is rather disconcerting. Either drop the first one or choose another word. Just a thought. Personification of Sojourn is commendable but of how much use is it at this point in the poem? Or if 'his' refers to the 'me' in the previous line - the shifting of narrative voice is not very consistent or even detrimental to the flow of the poem.<<

    "With these musings, invariably I find,
    The muddled anguish of past life times.
    Each time I let my mind roam free.
    Dare I hope, now that he’s gone,
    That I may find my first jubilee?"

    >>The drama builds...<<

    "But now ‘tis time to return
    From the reflective waters.
    What has been, is all they show,
    What is now, the waters don‘t see,
    The future it’s shores can never know."

    >>maybe a comma after 'future' may help a little so that the line doesn't run into itself. The last two lines are awesome!<<

    "I look to the dawn,
    For in its light I’ll find,
    That neither rock nor paper tome,
    Hold any of the future’s verses
    Setting off now, and in peace I’ll make my home."

    >>A very solid ending. Suited me really well.<<

    Thanks for this promising poem :_)



    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, at first you speak of a being a body of water, which was very calming to me, then you jump into this thing about hell and fury, and it threw me off big time. I felt you had to much going on with this. Way to many apsects to keep up with and ponder over. Although the undertones of anger was present no matter what stanza I read. The flow was dreadful and the lenght of this was too long. As a reader I felt overwhelmed honestly. I would either break this up into parts or revise this into a more polished work. This was not bad, but I just know you could do better then this.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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