scattering the unique by insphered soul

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: scattering the unique dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	insphered soul
ASL Info:	17/M/Bacon Sandwich
Elite Ratio:	6.57 - 450/374/89
Words:	52

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	161
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	383

Description:

scattering the unique dots

-------------------------------------------

Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches;
hope dies out as the fog dims:
shadows are out of time.

'Her eyes fade away in mine'

Light slowly takes the place
of the receding dawn,
scattering the glow
of the chosen few.

'Her time ended before mine'

Submitted on 2006-05-17 12:34:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  initially, i was thrown off by the fact that there is no dscription...that's a first

""Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches;
hope dies out as the fog dims:
shadows are out of time.

'Her eyes fade away in mine' ""

-it was amazing how the last line of the stanza rhymed with the solitary line..i was hoping they would all end up doing that and was slightly disappointed when the sencond did not

the first half is just amazing, but the second. multi-lined stanza seems to have lost the flow and mind-stance of the first.

amazing start though

+Moz+
| Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, I'm on a punctuation roll tonight so I'll try one of your ones out Zach lol.

Yours now:
Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches.
hope dies out as the fog dims;
shadows are out of time.

'Her eyes fade away in mine'

Light slowly takes the place,
of the receding dawn
scattering the glow,
of the chosen few.

'Her time ended before mine'

Your first stanza would be better if it didn't have that period at the end of your second line-- to make it continue the 'flow', so to speak.

Your second stanza only needs a comma after the end of your second line, in my opinion. Here:

Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches;
hope dies out as the fog dims:
shadows are out of time.

'Her eyes fade away in mine'

Light slowly takes the place
of the receding dawn,
scattering the glow
of the chosen few.

'Her time ended before mine'

Any better? Your second stanza was easy to punctuate; I'm not sure about your first one though.

I like your title-- it's definitely unique. And your single line statements after each stanza are nice touches also.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really good..Short but the description was amazing..It just drew me in, to this entire image..

'Her eyes fade away in mine'

I liked this line the best..I think the fact that it was separate made a huge impact with the last line as well, your intensions i'm guessing. Really romantic I would say, then again I could be getting the wrong image..And then in the end she dies?..or I don't know, my mind is scattered today, I'll read it again later and see how my view changes. Anywho this was a great piece, hope to read more of your work when I have the time! Great job!!!

Lucy
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
  Very captivating in the first stanza which with the interim interjection it develops a time, place and mood. There is a sense of something impending. I think that much is very well done.

By that point, a quick reference to the title tells you what is going to happen next, so you might consider changing the title so as not to give it all away.

I think the second stanza could be done a lot better than it is presently. It's almost as thought you had trouble with it or was running out of time to develop it properly. I only suggest that because I'm guilty of doing that.

You could get rid of "The" in starting out the second stanza without any compromise. That second line, "of the receding dawn," causes a logic alarm because dawn is usually referred to as approaching instead of receding, if you follow my drift.

There should be a way to write the second stanza without using the word "light" twice, which in this case seems to bear different meanings anyway. All in all, very poetic to be so short, and it does a good job in that it begs for a longer story.
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  Zach, this was one good piece that you wrote. although short very vibrant. Some very small words could have many meanings. this one blows me away.

Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches.
hope dies out as the fog dims;
shadows are out of time.

This was the best part, i think very good write and I like your poems alot, even though I may not show it.
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by red passion | [ Reply to This ]
  Zach, this was one good piece that you wrote. although short very vibrant. Some very small words could have many meanings. this one blows me away.

Standing in the moonlight,
the creeping dawn approaches.
hope dies out as the fog dims;
shadows are out of time.

This was the best part, i think very good write and I like your poems alot, even though I may not show it.
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by red passion | [ Reply to This ]
  The piece as a whole felt like listening to a ticking clock. There is always a sense of loneliness when time is involved.

I agree with what red passion said about small words having many meanings. In this case, that feat worked because the meanings conveyed were complimentary to each other and to the melancholy tone of the piece.

A lot of things go on in the dark. With society being an issue, it offers more freedom for the mind. We can allow ourselves to say the things that we can't, touch the things that we won't and live the lives that are out of our reach.

But darkness passes.

And when it does, we tend to ask ourselves - what is darkness... a friend? a foe?

or a lie?

To me, most of the commas in the second stanza seem to be misused. I think the spaces are enough to create some distance for the heart of the reader to beat and between.

But with that aside, the piece as a whole was well-made. The amount of emotion it carries with so little takes skill to craft. I applaud you for that. And your title works well with the sentiments that this piece suggests.

Good job.

| Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.