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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chapter 2: The notedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jslbabygirl101
    ASL Info:    18/f/ga
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 76/82/49
    Words: 864
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 123
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5071



    Description:
       This is chapter 2 of my story Torturing the souls.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChapter 2: The notedots
    -------------------------------------------


          You walk into a gas station only to see dead bodies with that creepy nightmare-storytale creature not far behind. You seem to be starved so you figure everybody is dead why not eat and drink? So you grab yourself some food and a drink when the monster walks in. You you grab a lighter abd bottles of beer, light them up and throw them at him.

    " Ack, stupid mortal, I will be back for you."

    So you decide since noone is alive anymore and you warded off the demon for now might as well enjoy all the free stuff while you can. When all of a sudden you hear a baby cry. You say to yourself,

    " If everyone is dedad then why is there a baby crying?"

    So you hunt out the baby and see that it is you.

    " Why, this is me. What am I doing here?"


    " Mwa hahaha! Foolish mortal, can't you see? I killed everyone way before you were born. Why, only people here are you and your family."

    " My family is dead you hideous monster, you killed everybody except me. And now you bring me as a baby into this? What is the meaning of this?!"

    " Mortal, ahem, Jose, you have been chosen to join the darkside."

    " How do you know my name? And what is this darkside you are blabbering about?"

    " You are Jose, Correct? The darkside is where I dwell. Come be one of us!"

    " No way man! You must be off your rocker to think just for one second I will join forces with you just because you know my name and have known me since I was a baby. Which by the way, why did you bring me into the picture as a baby? And why did you bring up my parents?"

    " Jose, you were introduced to this concept when you were five. Your dad held you close when you were a baby to prevent this from happening. But now that they have become weak and I have become stronger, they are no longer a threat."

    " You hideous thing! You killed everybody just to get to me? Why!"

    " You need not worry child, everyone you cheerish and love are unharmed."

    " But everyone is dead! It is impossible for them to be unharmed!"

    " Wrong my child, wrong. I made you think everyone was dead to chase you hear. I assure you eveyone is fine."

    " Yeah for now, what is it you want?"

    " Simple my dear, simple, for you to only join me."

    " Why, I have no special powers."

    " O' cantrere my dear. Look closely at you in the cradle."

    " I am wearing a neclace, so what."

    " My dear that neclace holds all the power anyone would need to be good."

    " THAT, antique thing holds power? Why don't I have it now?"

    " Your parents are hiding it from you. They want you to be normal."

    " ok, well so you want me to join sides with you. Isn't there some kind of catch here?"

    " Of course! Isn't there always a catch behind evil?"

    " Yeah, which means you will promise something then break it."

    " BAH! I will do no such thing! All I want is you partnership."

    " No."

    " No?! Noone tells me no!"

    you run somemore until you find a house that is protected with certain symbals so you decide to stay the night there. Where you find a neclace just like yours and put it on. You feel faint and pass out.


    - The next morning-
    " Ah, what happened? All I remember is putting on a neclace and passing out."

    " wish I had a glass of orange juice and some bacon."

    You see a floating tray with orange juice and bacon on there with complimentary bacon and a note that read,

    " My dear Jose, I foresaw your arrival before I passed so I stayed here to protect you. If you are wandering who I am I am your great great aunt. This time I foresaw the reason why you ran here. The demon of all witches is after you. This house will protect you but only your physical character. He will haunt you in your dreams, and what ever you do,do NOT belive him!"

    Love your great great aunt."


    " Hm, the demon of all witches? So that must mean that I am a witch."

    You walk down the stairs through the kitchen to the laundry room where you see a bunch of close and another note.

    " Jose, these clothes are for you. I made them myself. Please feel free to what ever in this house. And remember if you ever need anything just think of it or whistle twice.

    Your great great aunt."




    Submitted on 2006-05-17 20:08:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, a very nice twist to this story, I really like where you went with this instead of making it just a regular run-away-from-the-monster story, you added some twists that i really enjoyed. Very nice. I noticed that this has a lot more dialogue. I think you need to work a little on your dialogues, because from the way you wrote this, it feels very unserious, like near the beginning how the demon has to ask if its really jose, it sounds as if you were trying to make it funny, but i doubt that really was what you were trying to do. But then after awhile you get better with the demon's dialogue, so thats good. Just try to make it a little more serious. Also the way jose talks back to the demon is just well kinda fake. I mean if i was talking to some powerful demon after he chased me through town, i'd proabably s.hit my pants and have trouble breathing much less talking to him. I think that the way jose reacts to the demon makes it feel kinda outta place. Sorry if i'm just giving complaints but its hard to compliment stories because you can't really point out individual lines. But I did like the twist, it made the story hell of more enjoyable and i'll be waiting for the next chapter. Hope this helps
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      You changed the title? I thought it was Imagine...that aside;

    Ummm...okay Jose, cool. But, if the name is Jose then why use You? That makes things confusing for the reader. If the character has a name then don't lead the reader to believe that they are to imagine themselves in this predicament.

    If the demon can come in his dreams why didn't he do that in the first place? If his goal was to cajole Jose into the darkside scaring him first wouldn't be a great idea.

    And why does he tell Jose about the necklace?
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by KimmyKatt | [ Reply to This ]
      this is awesome...what was the first part? what did it say? i bet it was almost as good as this one....maybe you could give me some advice? i can write, but not stories
    *dianne*
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by dianne | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting twists. This chapter has a bit more dialogue. It could be narrowed down a bit, and stretched to add more detail. Sounds ggod though.

    Perhaps in the next chapter Jose will find living family members? I can't wait to find out why Jose is so special to the demon.

    Keep writing, it is only in practice you can perfect your craft!
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]



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