"could this be it? the crime of new beginnings epic in its simplicity as honest as naked toe nails
so i uh... i kinda uh...
laced with insanity validation always takes its victims by surprise
so yeah... i uh... i kinda... like you...
and you're leading me on and... thats what i want you to do
lines crossed faster than they can be drawn... e x t e n d e d...
so... uh... yeah..."
This sounds remarkably like Napoleon Dynamite on his first date (with all the suave subtlety of a lobotomized Bond clone at a loss for words). This is exactly what a first meeting/first public address/first awkward romance with language can be; stumbling, fumbling and daringly exhilarating. Very fine writing.
No nits to pick here. Take care of yourself. Bill.
i like how the stanzas are very poetic and epic sounding. like you're talking about some timeless love story or something, then the middle parts are very grounded and stuttering and stumbling. sorta like in your head this is the biggest deal ever but all you can get out is uh...i think i kinda like you... i've been there...many of times. but i think we only allow ourselves to say what it really iws. for me at least all the pretty words behind are just that, pretty words. so i guess that's a good thing.
all i can really say on this one is go jaydee.
fav line and you're leading me on and... thats what i want you to do
that's kinda what sums my take on the write up to one stanza. very nice one. glad to see you still stop by whilst traveling the world.
This made me smile ;) Cheers ^ I think you did a really good job of formatting this - the bold and italic are used very purposefully and do add a lot to the overall effect of this piece.
Seriously, your stuff is so far above me I don't even know how to comment.
could this be it? the crime of new beginnings epic in its simplicity as honest as naked toe nails
You start out with a question that states something is happening. You follow it up, with an incredible line. I love that: "the crime of new beginnings." Calling this new beginning a crime? A crime against who :O I really like the next line too. Epic and simplicity are almost antonyms, and using them like that comes across striking, and it really stands out. Your metaphor is certianlly original lol
laced with insanity validation always takes its victims by surprise
So we have insane validation victimizing now. Now I don't know how appliable this is, but when you tell someone why you did something, or why you feel away, sometimes it totally blows them away and they are like, "and why did you think that!?!?" (or maybe that's just me who gets that) So here we see the protaganist (is that a term used in poetry? I write short stories too... so I'm used to using that word..." has told an unsuspecting person, something, mos tliekly that they like them (revealed in next interlude), the recipent of this is very shocked. that whole stanza is just so perfect, and so often true.
and you're leading me on and... thats what i want you to do
lines crossed faster than they can be drawn... e x t e n d e d...
I love the "leading on" stanza. Almost like the torture of being lead on is half the fun lol I'm not sure I really understand this final part though. It sounds to me, like the boundaries for how far this relationship could go were never set before things happened that weren't supposed to... but that someone seems to abrupt to appear in this poem. "Lines crossed fast than they can be drawn..." hmm... I'm thinking... "extended..." hmm... Ok, I have no idea! lol Although, I do love this stanza, and the way you expanded, or extended the word extend. That was pretty cool. I'd say this is a fantastic write! You're an awesome poet, yah know that, Jaydee?
the stutter stop and go rythm rings true, as that part of the brain that controls speech grinds to a screeching halt, malfunctioning for the nth time whenever the source or whenever the proverbial monkeywrench is thrown into the gears.
the game of red light green light is always the standard game of choice the first few times with someone that one likes when it comes to emotional wordplay. dont really know why it happens.. nerves. bah.
the seperation between the bold and the regular text is novel in a way that its almost like seeing a behind the scenes look or listening to a director's commentary. it got me thinking that if one could do a dvd-esque commentary on our lives as we're seeing it unfold- what would we say? reading this, one doesnt have to look for the subtext, as you already lifted it, and brought it to the surface- making the bulk of this piece the subtext. you also play around with itallics, adding more color to this colorful dichotomy of first person voice.
on second thought, im not sure how many voices there are speaking in this piece. but it rings true either way.
Good stuff. I'd write something relevant, but obviously it's all been covered. Very interesting piece. I like the structure, with thoughts vs. what is actually said.
But then again, you don't need me to tell you that your piece is good after 14 people have done the same thing. Plus, when we're good, we know it without needing vaidation from others.
On a side note, thank you for critiquing my piece. You were right, and in retrospect I feel it was too ... angsty-14-year-old-girl-scribbling-things-on-her-notebook-esque. Changed it around a bit, goes off a little better...I hope.
I'm glad I found this piece, because it is superb. I loved the line "as honest as naked toenails," which really describes the bare-essentials of selves exposed to me... christ, did that even make sense? When you take off the polish and decoration, as it were, and are standing before them, exposed soul, bare to their scrutiny, that apprehension of letting them see you for what you are without the distracting sparkles and unnatural gleams... excellent way of putting it!
The end... crossing lines faster than they can be drawn, insinuating that this is a new direction that is unexplored on an otherwise mapped-out territory.
e x t e n d i n g
The elasticity of the boundaries... even the letters themselves can't contain how the emotions grow... and you express the fearfulness in this so well, because there is always that possibility of rejection after letting the guard down, which makes it worse... I mean, it's much more personal then, instead of just the projected persona taking the blow... it's a big risk, to say you love someone. But damn, isn't it marvelous when it works out? It makes you want to overcome caution and take the risk, just for that fantastic rush....
Uncertainty in a new love-- apparent in your bold text. Quite endearing in a schoolyard boy meets girl and they kiss for the first time kinda way, ya know?
Your lines say a lot in a few words... truly epic in its simplicity. Your intent is... all out there for us to see.
On a nitpicky note, perhaps drop "they" in "than they can be drawn"? It drops one syllable which seems to make that line hang longer than it should in the mouth (to me) rhythmically.. and it's already implied. My two cents for you lol.
So... you're avoiding Switzerland altogether now? Tsk tsk. And the subject of this poem is from there, right?
Oops. I've said too much lol. Peace, Jase
P.S. Fab poem. And it has Jaydee written all over it. Which isn't a bad thing.
I actually liked this one poem. I rarely find poems to admire, but in this case I empathize in almost every way so, I couldn't help but love it. I especially love this stanza:
"and you're leading me on and... thats what i want you to do"
I found it super cool that if you compare the on to the ou in "you" it's almost like a reflection. Out of the literal written, the meaning behind it is very daring. He is tempting you, which is usually wrong, but in this case you're so blindly struck that you don't care because you want your share. You trust his majestic ways, without really knowing them. Love at first sight. Almost like the two star-struck lovers we all know oh so well, Juliet and Romeo.
Actually, they're as honest as naked toe nails in flip-flops. They appear dirty from the sand that are light enough to be lifted by the first step on the shore.
And it's weird the way we answer yes between broken lines as soon as forever peaks from the window of pleading I-need-to-get-laid-soon-or-I-will-bite-somebody's-nose-off eyes.
Well forever is kind of rude that way... he never tells you whether or not this is the place he belongs to as long as you're concerned. Well actually, he never talks. And sometimes we find it hard to believe that he exists. But we like to believe that he does. We like to believe we have some say in the manner which he goes about through reality.
It what makes life worth living.
So go on. Take on forever or whatever that is that you see on those eyes and you taste on those words.
Submission Name: the crime of new beginnings
