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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Hour Before Sunrise.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ziska
    ASL Info:    25/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    7.58 - 121/106/33
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 151
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1156



    Description:
       Remembrance and Forgetting and Understanding. Yep. Or something.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Hour Before Sunrise.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    brown grass, green roots still clinging
    to life in the red clay earth
    covered now by tiny white crystals of frost
    deep purple sky fading
    still punctured with stars
    still smudged with clouds
    time slows down, no insects chirp
    no birds sing, no winds blow
    a moment of silence for the departed
    an hour of reverence to which
    all creatures strangely obey

    i walked across cobblestones in the
    last dying gasp of night
    with day threatening to break across
    the sky and my soul
    i left a white flower on a grave
    overgrown with twisted weeds
    i paused at the cemetery gate
    pale fingers wrapped around
    the blackness of the bars
    to give a single nod, almost a bow.
    and the world awakes :

    the blanket of dawn,
    a thousand candles behind the mountain
    spreads its yellow tendrils over
    the black silhouettes of trees
    and blurry gray hills
    bleeding life back into
    a world stripped of all color
    like a black & white photograph
    thrown into the fire.




    Submitted on 2006-05-18 11:07:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a lovely poem. I really enjoyed reading this. I think you captured this time of the night just perfectly with your words. This poem is filled with so much wonderful imagery and I really have no criticism for this one. It is a beautiful poem. I love the thought of a thousand candles behind the mountain. Actually I love all the descriptions of this. Reading this gave me some really sharp and vivid images. Wonderful job! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent! Some great stuff here! I found these images to be mostly original and very descriptive. I felt a degree of loneliness as the flower was placed on the grave, as though someone had lost a loved one. That may sound obnious, but such a pre-sunrise visit is unusual, and the sense of loss was heightened. Your last stanza I thought was spectacular. I loved the phreases you employed to depict the dawn and in particular the final two lines. I also loved "smudged with clouds" and "blurry gray hills". Some suggestions:

    S1 - L3 & L4 - I think you can do more with these two lines. L4 is too common and overloads your poem with the use of "black". Save it for your "bars".

    S2 - L6 I would prefer "twisted".

    That's all I have for ideas. This is near perfect. It portrays a sorrowful scene of parting contasted by the symbolic hopefulness of a new day. If you were to expand it, perhaps add more on the relationship of the departed to the narrator.

    A terrific poem. I loved it.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I have only words of praise concerning this poem. really touching poem, and unfortunately I can completely understand it, and feel it.
    The images are beautiful, and they make a really nice connection to the emotions that you are expressing with such dignity.
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      this is breathtaking...

    i know this time of moment you speak of...
    i cant call it day because its not
    and yet i cant call it night coz its not that either...
    its time of moment... a series of moments...
    kinda like an intermission yet without the commotion of spectators going to get snacks and stretch their legs...

    i like your ability to capture this time... this moment... this feeling...
    you cant say what it is coz it isnt really anything... its kinda like a no mans land time wise...
    you know what came before it and you know whats gonna come after it but you just dont know what it is right now...
    so you tell the reader this...
    you tell them the sky is still punctured and yet it is still smudged as well... i mean... punctured is a very vivid harsh image and smudged... smudged is a lazy kinda dirty image... they shouldnt go together in my mind but they do... they complement each other in this time of moment... they are the essence of the contradiction this time of moment is all about really...

    you speak of the silence...
    at this time of moment it is very erie (i cant spell sorry lol) like... you know that the world is simply just waiting for the conductor to raise his baton and strike the first note of the day... they are waiting... tense with anticipation... knowing that the first note must be perfect else the whole day is shot... and theres no such thing on their minds as knowing they could recompense a bad first note by being brilliant tomorrow... today really is all they have... and they are waiting to start with a bang...
    and the audience... the audience is waiting with breath held... waiting for the first note of this piece... wondering if it will start with a burst of exuberance or will it slowly build to a deafening crescendo... everyone is waiting... everyone has their breath subconsciously held... that is the silence you here in this time of moment...
    you have portrayed it all so well
    especially when you say that for no knwn reason all creatures obey this observance... stunning...

    the second stanza...
    the grave... twisted weeds... constrasts in colour
    i dunno... theres something about black and white that appeals to me... theyre such striking non compromising colours and yet... in the right shades or the right light... they can be the most compromised of all colours somehow (and i fear i make no sense lol)
    i like how you add yourself into the second stanza... its like... i dunno... cemeterys and me dont get along together... at night time they remind me of horror movies... day time they dont seem reverend enough you know... tacky flowers and knocked over headstones... doesnt seem like the kinda place i would wanna be found i guess...
    but at this time of moment you are writing of... when the light is slanted in this almost washing cleansing way i feel there is nothing to be afraid of in this cemetery... that somehow the beauty of death and mortality is captured... and the world knows it...
    this is a very powerful stanza for me...

    you are the conductor i was talking about earlier... you nod and the world bursts into life...

    candles behind the mountain... a brilliant image... small lights combining to make one big light to take over the world for the day... i like that idea...
    theres something very spiritual about this piece... im not sure what it is and i cant put my finger on it
    bleeding life... stunning... usually bleeding means death or loss...
    and the ending... black and white photo thrown into the fire... i mean... white is no colour and black is every colour and so... white is the strippedness of colour and black is the intensity of it and together... together they make perfect...

    wow... this was a stunning piece...
    man... you really are my hero...
    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      here's a line that I find troublesome. "all creatures strangely obey" ... well, since it's a very natural moment, wouldn't the creatures obey the rule with tacit undertanding? why is it strange? Also, the final stanza, you talk about dawn bringing color to the world, but in the first stanza you describe everything with a big emphasis on color (red earth, purple sky, green roots); that's a little odd.
    haha but I nitpick!!! ^_^!
    This poem is beautifully written, with every word (except for "strangely", back there... haha) surprising yet completely appropriate, making a calm, bittersweet image. The death and rebirth that are so infused in here, cemeteries and new dawns, as well as the endlessness of this mortal coil, (the thousand candles behind the mountains reminded me of... a birthday cake *^_^*) The moment of the day that you choose fits into the theme, too-- it's a silent, introspective, retrospective moment, also a very lonely time.
    I love this poem!!! Awesome job!!!^_^ !
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]



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