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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Man of Muddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Prose/Romance
    Total Views: 972
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 705



    Description:
       well i got this writing from a friend of mine and what he is living ... i hoep you like it ...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMan of Muddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Time takes me apart from my letters.
    Night has come and it is the end of misery
    My sobbing becomes in dreaming,
    In which I can caress your lips.

    There you are, so beautiful as when you took me
    Away from the hurting dawn.
    You showed me the calm of darkness
    You freed me from the sameness that each day has
    And I only offered silence and agony.

    Why did you fall in love with this guy of mud,
    Full of fear and without the power to fight?
    Look at me, my lips do not give you the love you need now
    My hands do not even know how to caress you
    Forgive me for not being the man that my eyes brag!




    Submitted on 2006-05-18 16:21:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is one of your best works, but there are a few things that could make it better.

    In the last stanza, the first line says:

    "Why did you fall in love with this guy of mud,"

    I think it would suit it better to say "man of mud", because it brings the title and the poem together.

    The last line:

    "Forgive me for not being the man that my eyes brag!"

    I think I agree that the exclamation mark is not necessary, but more importantly I think that the word 'boast' would end this poem smoother, it is less jolting.

    So the last stanza would go like this:

    "Why did you fall in love with this man of mud,
    Full of fear and without the power to fight?
    Look at me, my lips do not give you the love you need now
    My hands do not even know how to caress you
    Forgive me for not being the man that my eyes boast"

    Besides these small critiques, this poem has a genuine beauty and emotion to it:

    "Time takes me apart from my letters.
    Night has come and it is the end of misery
    My sobbing becomes in dreaming,
    In which I can caress your lips.

    There you are, so beautiful as when you took me
    Away from the hurting dawn.
    You showed me the calm of darkness
    You freed me from the sameness that each day has
    And I only offered silence and agony."

    Like I said, this is one of your best works, it bears the signature of your style, and I think it is worth it to make a couple of small changes so it will be it's very best.

    Jen
    | Posted on 2007-09-22 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, much better than that last one I read. I am glad of the depht of emotion displayed in this one. I feel your flow could use some work and I feel that there is no reason with the last line to use a exclaimation mark. using it made that line seem to dramatic. I would also suggest that you incorporate more about being a man of mud, tell us how and why please. This was good, but has the potential to be much better.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww.. that's sad. Your friend must think he's a nobody. Hopefully somebody didn't make him feel that way. Another good write. What exactly does "man of mud" mean?
    Holy xx
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
      I am not very good at commenting on love poetry but I will try.

    It was good, there were some things you could work on, like the flow for one, but you got the point across.

    Love is a funny thing. Always changing. You never know what it will do to you next. It is the strangest thing but everyone desires it. This poem shows how some people are undeserving of love, but I believe that you can never "deserve" love or not. Love isn't something you can control. When it comes, it is true, it is pure, if it is there you deserve it. Because something about you must have brought that feeling to the surface.

    Keep it up,
    Bonnie
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      If you have the power of a pin, then you have power. and you know the old saying
    That which dosen't kill you,
    makes you want to kill them.
    or something like that. You can't run or hide from the misery. It will be there when you wake up. and if you got this written form of pain from a friend... Then I hope its not catching.
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm..this was interesting..Kind of emotional, I would say..Thinking your not worthy of someone's love, and thinking that you don't know how to love them, been there..Not a very good feeling..But hopes eternal some say.
    The second stanza, just stood out to me..It just seemed like me, for some reason..because people save me, and all I give is silence and hurt..and just nothing..Life is full of pain, its never ending, but there is no point in denying someone's love, that can only hurt them more, believe me.
    Its weird, how writers can make a writing from someone elses feelings and make it there own, and feel the pain..Anywho Great piece, I always love your works!! I love you!!!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]


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