I never threw a stick or stone
I used them both to make a home
So now I lay with broken bones
I’m the one to blame
I never threw a punch or raised a brow
I turned my frown right upside down
I can’t even tell the difference now
And I’m the one to blame
I miss the kiss of wonder
I wander without an AIM
I feel I’m going under
I am the one to blame
So fuck me I’ll move on
Stand up
Feel tall
Embrace
Delay
Hurry up
Slow down
Wearing my
Old crown
My sticks and stones castle
Blown away by the breeze
Thoughts caught in the web
That hangs between trees
Black spider my weakness
To pray on my apathy
Thrive on my comfort
I’ll break away be free
Fantasy is memory
of days lost in a dream
Focusing on imagery
fading into speech
Frame photo’s of a perfect vacation day
Those types of things tend to drift away
It was just
the way you were
maybe
made me
so out of breath
I was so
preoccupied with
whatever
that
their was left
Fantasy in memory
This moment in a dream
Focusing on what it is
Painted on my ceiling
In the evening
Of my pleasing
Quiet breathless
Taste of you
Tip toe tip toe
Tigers got your nose
Round and round
Fall to the ground
In circles
Round we go
Let’s kill the sun
Let’s fuck the stars
Let’s leave the chest
To save the heart
My lock is lost
Your locket shot
New shiny gun
That I’ve forgot
Cover me in water
Cover
Me
In crystal
Tears
My drowning rose
Oh can you swim
Your glass locker
I lost the key
So we can’t change
We’d better hurry up
HURRY
FAST
We’ll be late
for gym class
Fuck I don’t care Ill just keep moving
tell me I am doomed for losing
who is who is so damn confusing
I don’t care I’ll just keep losing
Playing games
So sick of sunlight
I just miss
The way it was….
…A simple rose
A quiet thorn
You once held
My attention
Running wild
Free thought…
Fuck it I’ll keep moving
never losing
keep abusing
it’s amusing
and I’m losing
fuck it
I don’t care
I must love losing
Playing games I am
Fallen apart I stand
This Solid fracture I remain
the paint of window pains
staring out into the sea
drowned in curiosity
looks so distant
feels so quiet
black and white
red rose
sand shade
for my castle
built to crumble
fuck it I don’t care I’ll just keep moving
just keep trying
just keep losing
if I can’t get it right
at least I still had
something to fail
somewhere to fall
perpetuate playground
red rose
spinning faster
glass dance
flicker sunlight
on my canvas
flashlight
into
parody
fuck it I don’t care I’ll just keep writing
keep reciting
keep rewriting
am I coming in loud
is my cloud
looking clear
is my fog filling quick
the empty road
so near
reaching
digging
searching
for
the
lost
piece
to my…
I’m playing games
I can’t remain
This much the same
I’m left to blame
Let’s play a game
Let’s push and poke
Let’s waste a day
Let’s walk on hope
Let’s for a moment
Forget to breathe
Dazed by the eye
Of curiosity
I never threw a stick or stone I used them both to make a home So now I lay with broken bones I’m the one to blame
(i like the reference to childhood rhymes and games throughout your poem, given the plural use in line 3 I would change 'used them all' to tie in your image)
So [censored] me I’ll move on Stand up Feel tall Embrace Delay Hurry up Slow down Wearing my Old crown
(the king of the castle will do as he likes eh! I like the run on this the speed of thought is good, however, you have an unusual mix of 'speeds' throughout your poem and i think if you align them correctly it will give the poem more balance..e.. if you have a 2 four line stanzas use one of these runs after it then 2 more stanzas then another running free verse.
My sticks and stones castle Blown away by the breeze Thoughts caught in the web That hangs between trees
(marked this purely for the descriptive content; how hard it is to hold onto things/people/places/values etc but thoughts caught in the web is a fantastic image)
Black spider my weakness To pray on my apathy Thrive on my comfort I’ll break away be free
( I think you mean prey but you know better than me, the 'be' in the last line is making the flow awkward and I would consider omitting it)
Tip toe tip toe Tigers got your nose Round and round Fall to the ground In circles Round we go
(again a lovely ref: to childhood verse and used nicely but again it is another speed thrown into an already huge mix of rhythms, maybe shorten it to become four lines or lengthen it to make it a speed run)
Let’s kill the sun Let’s [censored] the stars Let’s leave the chest To save the heart
(got the feeling this is about the planet, ozone etc and then it's saving i.e stop worrying about progression on the ground lets do something to save the core - if it means none of this then sorry but I thought it quite good..you could lenghten the lines here by inserting 'burning' in front of sun 'falling' in front of stars 'expansive' in front of chest rotting in front of heart....read like lets kill the burning sun and [censored] the falling stars lets leave expansive chest to save the rotting heart
anyway, i wont continue as I am not trying to belittle your work the fact that I have read into so much confirms the worth I think is contained in it....I feel it is a rough diamond that with some work would be a jewel....it could do with a lot of shortening and a bit of organisation. I would like to know if you decide to change it as I would be very interested in reading it again
the first three stanzas are the most brilliant, i think... you turn it into something of a soft-rant by mid-piece, though... not that that's a bad thing- the whole thing is quite good! as i recall, i didn't used to like many of your poems... perhaps you have progressed as a writer?
wow... where to start. your peices always take me so many places that when it comes time to comment i cant remember where i am much less where ive been.
over all this piece is so scattered yet it keeps coming back to a riff/refrain of sorts... the playing games/losing thing... it keeps coming back and coming back and coming back again... some people are good at losing... i cant decide if i myself am one or not...
lets find the start... see what i can find...
I never threw a stick or stone I used them both to make a home So now I lay with broken bones I’m the one to blame
I never threw a punch or raised a brow I turned my frown right upside down I can’t even tell the difference now And I’m the one to blame
i love how you mess round with these timeless ideas... sticks and stones may break my bones... i never threw them... i tried to do something more constructive with them... something different... something out side the box... but it back fired somehow and your bones are broken all the same...
cant tell the difference between an upside down smile and an upside down frown... that idea really sets the mood for this piece... the confusion and hopelessness... and yet you maintain that you are the one to blame...not sure how though...
Let’s kill the sun Let’s [censored] the stars Let’s leave the chest To save the heart
this here... it feels so desperate... so urgent so "we gotta get outta this place" so irreverent so painful so confused but completely coherrant at the same time... its a masterpiece right there and i wonder what it would look like if it were to be painted...
the losing game... you keep swicthing between im good at losing and i refuse to lose and both of them you are so convinced of but also so uncertain of... theres balance here in its unbalancedness if that makes any sense.
fvck it i dont care but somehow i think you do fvck it i dont care but ill tell you once again. fvck it!
all three pieces ive read tonight have an air of depression about them.. of hopelessness... of pain...
i really pray you are ok... thank you for letting me read what i have...
Submission Name: eyelash daggers
