Torn Apart by JetPilot

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Submission Name: Torn Apart dots

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Author:	JetPilot
ASL Info:	18/m/ont
Elite Ratio:	4.37 - 46/30/15
Words:	205

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	1161
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1145

Description:
sorry bout the sloppy style, couldn't really find a way to put it so it looked better.

Torn Apart dots

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I am going to try and imbrace myself for this hit, The impact is going to leave me with the taiste of something i wish I'd never remembered. It's going to cut up my tounge and take away my taiste buds.It's going to leave me in the same fucking position as last time.Its going to bleed me out... its going to kill me. I swear to good it's going to kill me. If you could do one thing for me, I'd ask you to make it faster, to set me in my place, leave me in my own puddle of self misery, to drown... to die... to leave all this shit behind. At least there's always a chance of something better...
right?
I guess it's left to that... a single word, a question... making everything seem alot harder then it probabaly is. An endless possibility. narrowing down the optimism of the situation. So what am I left with...
I'm thoughtless, bleading on the corner, over a curb into the streets.
I'm heartless, but still managing to choke out a few beats.
I'm Mindless, cold and numb from my head to my feet.
I'm everything I've always wanted to be.

Submitted on 2006-05-19 08:02:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
There are some spelling mistakes, & like you said the structure is sloppy. Just tinker with that as much as you can so it gives it more of a poem-feel because right now it's like prose, or even just a very emotional journal entry. I can tell it's very powerful and emotional but try using more descriptive vocabulary rather than telling us the actions with plain images. Though I love the last four lines, especially "I'm heartless, but still managing to choke out a few beats." I think the poem needs more creative language like that.
Thanks for sharing!

~~~Stephanie~~
| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by literary lover | [ Reply to This ]
'I'm thoughtless, bleading on the corner, over a curb into the streets.
I'm heartless, but still managing to choke out a few beats.
I'm Mindless, cold and numb from my head to my feet.
I'm everything I've always wanted to be. ' Loving this part. Particulary like the last line, it's like, not trying to be anything more than what you are actually feeling. 'Take it or leave it' is what it says to me.
Thanks for sharing, i like your style.
| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by southernswagger | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.