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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What Was It I Was Looking For?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 3746
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1326
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 19396



    Description:
       this is a book I have started and I thought I would post it here due to the fact I have no idea how to structure my thouights in a "book way"-I for some reason have taken this task on and it is due by next summer.
    Now I know the chance of most if not all of you getting through my little beginning here are slim and none.........so I will take what I can get in any way shape or form and form is probably what I need help with so help away fine people
    later


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Was It I Was Looking For?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    What Was It I Was Looking For?



          If I could get another 2nd chance, I would be the richest man on earth. Not necessarily richest in money but the richest in a lot of things. Such as Love, understanding Compassion and many others I will talk about in the following chapters. Now let me give you a bit of background on Me. Most of you are probably saying who the heck does this guy think he is, those are some pretty “BIG” statements he is making…The richest man on earth…. come on! Well I feel this to be true in all values because I look back on a very eventful` life I have had and mind you I am only 36 years young, and I know there is much to learn still but in writing this book, my first book I hope to enlighten some younger people who maybe have missed the boat so to speak, or have not yet seen the light as to what we should do and what we should NOT do in life. There are many pivotal times in life where we are confronted with a choice and now as I look back I can finally see the so called make or break times…and the breaks I did NOT get because I did not acknowledge the insight I do now. If I had, I would be writing this book as the richest man in the world period because I would have made all the right moves. I would have went left instead of bearing right, chucked when I shouldn’t have jived, went high when instead I insisted upon ducking low. And believe me, many many times were the easy paths paved with the entire yes’s and yet still, I went the other route. If only I had some better guidance e, someone who clued me in to what to look for when faced with the so-called “crossroads of life”

    The American Dream
          Life is easy. If we choose to look at it as such…An easy life can be being married, work a 9-5 have 2.2 kids and coach Little League on Sat and Sunday while juggling running for VP of the lodge you finally were sponsored to join. To some this is easy…And they’re American Dream. Let me stop. An or a American Dream is a term I will spew from time to time throughout these chapters. Now please do not take it out of context. The American Dream is merely what you find to be the ideal life and style and the way you hoped it would be…. that is The American dream…. Your American Dream! Each one of us has a different way and different hopes as to what we hope the future to hold. You see where I grew up Manhattan, New York City it was tough…. it made me tough, maybe too tough. But you see from a fairly young age of about 13 maybe 14 I knew that NY wasn’t where my American Dream was going to be. It just wasn’t what I saw myself doing. No matter what! I simply had a different way of looking at things than most of my friends back then and don’t get me wrong I Love them all and will always cherish the times and memories I have of all of them and I wouldn’t change any of them for they are who they are and believe it or not they are probably the most sincere and honest and best overall people I know! Let me explain you see it doesn’t matter what you’re A.D is as long as you don’t pussy foot around it and stick to the course. Which I did not! I checked out some side streets and back alleys and places I probably shouldn’t have ever been, but I did! Why? Because when I was 19 just out of High School- an all boys Catholic School mind you I decided I wasn’t going to live nor go to school in NY, I was going west…as far as I could go without falling into the big blue. So, you see now I was out on my own after a rather sheltered childhood. Sheltered isn’t the proper word but within the neighborhood and people, the families the schools, the apartments, the jobs available, the vision I had of Me down the very near future scared the hell out of me and I wasn’t going to let myself be limited to what I saw as far as possibilities for my future if I stayed in NY. The cable company con ed, a fireman or maybe even a cop. I may even have been able to marry one of the local girls and live in my grandmothers building. Sort of an inside joke for those in the know—sorry but it seemed when I was growing up the older kids would move out and get a place their first place on their own but they would move like a block or two away usually into 50 Park Terrace East…. which turns out was my Grandmothers building. Now don’t get me wrong there was nothing wrong with the building at all, in fact it was one of the nicer apartment buildings around. Its just………well………I don’t know…if you don’t see anything wrong with that then there ISN’T but if you say…hmmmmm now what is the point of that, then you are on my level and think like I do. I f I am told to break something, I am going to blow the damn thing to smithereens and then some, maybe twice, do you follow me? To move down the block and do what everyone else was doing wasn’t the drum beat that I was playing in my head…My beat or beats were much different and broader. I had ideals and ideas about what I thought possibly could be the A.D, but for most part, I was wrong. My A.D were just that and a bag of chips that turned out to be stale!
    On My Own
          When you are out on your own-and I mean by yourself, where you do not have all your childhood friends anymore to get your back if something goes down—it’s you now-and if you say fuck you to someone because they deserved it and they turn around and precede to whoop your ass, this is usually when you call the boys and all will soon be taken care of and dealt with…. because that’s how we did it…We had each others back. I was down for them and they all were surely down for me. But now you just got your ass kicked by some guy who totally deserved to get mobbed but this wasn’t going to happen here—and I also being a new experience proceeded to talk shit like I usually would because I knew what was going to happen to this guy as soon as I could get a message to my friends. So my mouth kept moving so did his fists and feet and I probably had enough you could say. If there were a ref, he would have stopped this one, due to my teeth and blood everywhere. But when I came to my senses almost at the same time I saw a real good close up of this guys foot kick some of my teeth from my mouth I realized there is only me here, to count on -nobody is coming to my rescue. This was harsh reality to swallow. But this was one of those times I spoke of in the first few lines, “the pivotal times in life” the ones we look back on and say yeah…. if I had only learned from that and made the changes necessary to succeed or move in a positive direction, then all would have been fine, but most of us do NOT, and continue in life with this as par. That is why I am writing this to help you spot those pivotal times and to show you that it isn’t always as complicated as it may seem. In fact, Life really is easy and it can be fun once you understand the TRUE goal and how to WIN this game…we call life!

          Once I accepted the fact that I was the team and I had to get out of this because nobody else was on this team but me so I started talking to the guy, saying things like hey man, look I’m sorry, I mean what the fuck lets get a beer or something ok man—Now I truly wanted to kill this guy, however if I was a betting man and I have been known to parlay a few I would say I could not kill this man by myself and not if he was awake! So I used my brain which as time went on granted it wasn’t the best in school or telling you the circumference of a freaking circle or who was the 13th president of the US but this was about something else. Something called Survival and I needed to survive…because I was on the verge of not seeing what the west coast even looked like. Survival mode kicked in and I talked my way out of that one and wound up actually being invited to stay at this insanely beautiful mansion of the coast of North Carolina for a week of surfing and just plain not doing what you would usually be doing in NY. In fact quite the exact opposite which is what set me forth on this adventure or pursuing my A.D.

          To make this part of my little story short, that week was great! In fact I consciously slept with his girlfriend 3 days later and not only that but I was a much better surfer and he knew it and was in awe that some punk kid from Manhattan was ripping him out of the water. And to be totally honest which IS what it’s all about—**HINT HINT** I wasn’t even that good, he just really sucked and it was so obvious that this definitely, no question was not one of his best talents-it was actually quite humorous. His girlfriend turned out to be this bombshell that was loaded and helped me financially in my travels and supplied the weed and place to put my penis for a few weeks. So all was good! I eventually left her just about 25 miles from my destination of Hermosa Beach California. My point to this is that if I had been with friends, my friends from NY or my family then none of this would have transpired and I never would have smoked weed, the best green bud I have even seen, I mean this stuff was sooooooo crippling, I mean I was so high for the first time which is a true pivotal point in itself because talk about opening doors….whewwwwwww!….oh sorry, but that is what I am talking about—I never would have opened that door to the new experience of…I never would have even conversed with this meat head who just beat my ass up and down the side of the freeway. When you are on your own you allow yourself a little lee-way or freedom to let loose or maybe open your eyes to NEW and un tried or even thought of things like smoking marijuana and other stuff…that’s another book and another time…But bottom line is; Nobody can tell you or even try to guide you towards what you are looking for or your ideal lifestyle or you’re A.D Because nobody knows what is right for you but You and you can not change where you grew up or who your parents are---they are merely cards in the hand. Some of us got aces and some got jokers, that’s just the way it is…and so we make do with what we got and go from there.

          Now you know I was a level headed, sharp young good looking lad headed west to see what the not so conventional path had in store. I didn’t know what I was going to do; I had no friends-no girlfriend-no authority figure for the first time in my life…this was big for me at the time. My parents hired a babysitter for unknown reasons to this day till I was 16! But I’ll say this, another pivotal moment in my life came the night my babysitter Martine tucked me in to bed …VERY PIVOTAL…thanks Mom and Dad!

          Now you have the basic background and such of what if anything I was doing –but still I am sticking to it…it’s my story and my book; I was on the quest for My American Dream and lots of other stuff too!

          O.K now lets re-cap; with this book I am hoping to show those less enlightened folk that life isn’t all that difficult once you understand the goal and what it is you are here to do, and overall /bottom line how to WIN, this game we call Life. I am going to explain how to recognize the pivotal times/the crossroads that are crucial to spot because when we understand that this little thing/ right now is going to effect (XY) later-well then the equation becomes at least more possible to complete.

    My Friends
          While growing up at the age of 16, we- meaning the Inwood Boys were the ones who most other groups probably wished they could be however in NY nobody will pay that kind of admiration instead they will just try to kick the ever loving crap out of you until you aren’t so pretty anymore, and now they might be able to get a girl like the one you have had and had again that they are just dieing to get with. What I am going to attempt to explain and convey is the amount of affection we had for each other. In NY, there is something about standing in negative temperatures drinking till ya can’t see when you are 15/plying baseball everyday in a park that wasn’t really a baseball field. I mean yeah we had basses and a fence –but 1st base was a tree that I must have ran into at least 100 times and 2nd was a spot in the grass, nobody usually was ever out at 2nd because nobody really knew exactly where 2nd was and 3rd was a rock and oh yeah the fence was the fence that surrounded coincidently my grandmothers building. We broke at least 500 windows in that place. Unfortunately a guy we use to call KIRK…. that’s it just Kirk, and Kirk was a dick! He was seriously going to snap and kill one of us if he didn’t die of a heart attack. Poor Guy I hope he now realizes that we were just kids doing what kids do—insensitive things with lack of care and respect for others. That is what a kid is really---we are no longer kids when we realize that we have to respect each other and show compassion for others before we are going to receive any in return.
          One day Murf and I were walking home from school, coincidently we ran into each other on Broadway after school. We had gone to different High Schools you see. So we ran into a couple of the older kids; Danny Guy, a real nice guy, seriously when we would have wars with the big kids he would never kick your ass that bad, he would never totally set you on fire while tied to a fence,….. only a little, and Ayden Maloney. Who at the time I didn’t really mind too much but he was known throughout the neighborhood as one of the undesirables or basically trouble with a capital T as my Mom would say. Anyway they asked Murf and I if we wanted to go to a Yankee game with them, we said hell yeah so we got ready to go we even had a few beers in the park before we hopped the train and went to the Bronx. But just before we were supposed to go something occurred, honestly I don’t remember what but Murf and I decided we were not going to go, so they went on their own. The next day we heard a story of Danny and Ayden were in a bar having fun after the Yankees blew Boston out of the water 26 –3 and the way I remember it Ayden took some guys money off the bar and ran up to the park which was right across Broadway and almost to my house—I guess Danny ran after him and tried to make him give the money back. Well little did Danny nor Ayden know but that guy was someone you didn’t want to be fucking with and was right behind them, gun in hand. So Danny Got the money from Ayden -$16 by the way and turned to walk back down to Broadway and give back the money when the guy inches from Danny’s face with a 45 yelled a few things and then blew the back of his head off!-Ayden ran off and evaded his demise for that boy was in for some horrible times . Could you imagine being the reason why a kid that everyone knows and likes is dead. And nobody really liked you to begin with and they repeatedly told you to chill out and now you have to continue living with the biggest mistake and blunder on your head…..but knowing my friends and the neighborhood he wouldn’t be for long. This was just too big of a thing to not go un-punished! That part is mostly here say but damn close to probably what happened exactly. The guy was not ever charged. However a few friends I know found him and his wife walking one night just getting of the train and paid him back for what he did to Danny…Basically they jumped them from behind and plucked both her eyes out so there was no way of her ever identifying these guys/ or vigilantes or heroes whatever and beat the shit out of this guy for over an hour while his woman just screamed the whole time. People just casually walked by like nothing was even happening—they knew it was deserved and he had it coming… In the end, he died-she was blind and all was well in Inwood again. Except for Danny’s Family. I am still sorry Mrs. Guy and to the family –I really loved Danny. It shouldn’t have happened to him.
           I had a friend whose name was Kevin Donahue, who was a nice enough kid just a little different ya know but I even went through a phase where he and I hung out, and we would run crazy through the part of the woods where our mothers told us not to go. But Kevin didn’t care he said he would use Karate to silence all non-believers—and I just didn’t want this nut job to kick my ass so I was game—hell yeah karate. But as we got older, we saw that alcohol and Kevin didn’t mix well. He would get in awful fights and just really obscenely beat some poor victim of the week to a bloody pulp and we all knew it could have been any one of us—who it was we just weren’t sure from week to week. So one weekend we had a party by the George Washington Bridge—and we wanted to go climb it—it was what kids did back then. You cant do that anymore but back in 1987 you could almost do whatever you wanted to… By the end of the night Kevin was wasted and he was totally out of control –we all think he must have taken some drug or something cause he kept saying I can fly and then he proceeded to give everyone a flying lesson and he then grabbed a friend of ours, Pat Denton by the waist and jumped off the bridge. The scream from Pat I can still hear…I’m sorry Mrs. Denton—it was all just happened too fast —Kevin was obviously disturbed but why he had to take Pat with his demise and what I call a suicide is beyond me and so freaking sad…It is something I will never forget…Once again, I’m sorry Mrs. Denton that there was nothing anybody could have done.
          New York was a tough place to grow up, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I am so glad I lived my childhood there—it is what I think all kids actually need to make them a better person…People in NY are real and true. Unlike Californians and I say this with the utter disgust in some of the people I have met in California that grew up there and just are pieces of shit going nowhere—which isn’t even the worst part-it isn’t so much that they are a piece of garbage it is that you cant even rely on them for something---they will just lie to your face directly and then just disregard the promise or whatever they had made and do the complete opposite-I have been screwed over for hundreds of dollars here by pieces of garbage. ….how people can live with themselves is really beyond me, but I will say this—what comes around goes around and those that don’t think it does are really in for a rude awakening when fate and karma collide on their doorstep…its going to be a sad day, and I truly hope I get a glimpse of your pitiful asses as you finally pay the piper.

    (more soon)
    lamemansterms





    Submitted on 2006-05-19 12:27:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sorry it took me so long to write back to you - i've been busy: Traveling, court, law school - you know the drill.
    I actually faved your work prior to reading because a) I knew I'd probably like it and b) my bookmarks normally sit dormant .
    I was not disappointed.

    I do know what would be wrong with moving into your grandmother's apartment. If I'm not mistaken its prolly rent controlled - a great thing. But more important than the physical is that feeling of being stuck in the stuff you know at the expense of stuff ur missing. Having moved around most of my life, I'm not particularly familiar with that feeling, but I can understand it.

    I was more knowledgeable about the being 'the team.' My first experience with that concerned people who weren't so amenable to just letting me survive - hence I ended up with a more hardnosed and perhaps more isolationist than just live and let live - I'm workin out of it tho.

    So I assume kirk was kirk cuz he kirk'd out? Or is that just a dc thing? Thas a damn shame they blinded that poor girl, but poor taste is often the most harshly punished of crimes.

    People are pieces of garbage all over bro - fact is if your outside of the community (or worse if there is no community) ppl feel no accountability to you. [censored]ed up how ppl are man - my american dream is to maybe do something about that; but as you say, thas another story.

    I look forward to more.
    shard
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]


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