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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Taste Just Like Sugar (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia Steele
    ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492/1825/232
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1086
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1677



    Description:
       Let me first say, this is not about drugs or it's usage among kids today. This is a symbolic interpetation of how I see people and today's religious leaders who care more about the money and not about the flock. I'm not saying they ALL are this way, because they are not. But there are a few who have no qualms fleecing the flock. Plus, I also focus on how some people liked to have thier ears tickled as the bible say, and just want to hear good things from the pulpit. This is about these types in religion today. I revised it, because I felt it was a good poem that fail to make the point I intended. The candy man are the religious leaders. I added bits of the lyrics from that song "The Candy Man", I am doubtful I got it right. If not, tell me please so I can correct it. And yes, I know the flows need work. lol. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTaste Just Like Sugar (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Who can take the sunshine?

    Iridescent wrappers
    lay strewn about
    the children's feet
    as proof they had
    an addiction to anything
    coated with sugar.

    Wretched bellyaches
    do not seem to slow
    any in their attempts
    to fed into this need for
    something intoxicatingly
    sweet and rich.

    And sprinkle it with dew?

    He shows no remorse
    for those that lie now
    in their vomit for an
    untold amount of time...
    his only concern is keeping
    them stocked with goods.

    Grubby little hands
    hold onto their money
    between fingers sticky
    and unwashed just like
    their cavity filled teeth...
    rotting away from the gums.

    Cover it with chocolate and a miralce or two.

    Nap time has lasped
    a few of them into a
    dream world filled with
    lemon drops and candied corn
    raining on their little heads.

    Candy Man...

    The Candy man tells stories to
    the children, even better
    then the ones in that
    old dusty fairytale book
    they no longer read...
    they had outgrown that.


    ...the candy man can
    because he mixes it with love
    and makes the world taste good.






    Submitted on 2006-05-19 13:24:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like what you had to say before the poem and your o so right!!! Great write! Will add to my Fav's.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-23 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting write Maggie. I like this, I found the topic that you wrote this even more interesting than the write itself.

    In any discussion of false teachers you have to address the issue of money. Money is a significant motivator behind those who would compromise the truth, for the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil (I Timothy 6:10-11). Even in Paul's days there were men who taught the gospel for the money that they could make from it (Titus 1:10-11). Since money is their motivation, they are not concerned about the purity of the truth that they present to their listeners. Brethren are viewed as a commodity in which to trade (II Peter 2:3). As Micah said, "Thus says the Lord concerning the prophets who lead my people astray; When they have something to bite with their teeth, they cry, 'Peace,' but against him who puts nothing in their mouths, they declare holy war" (Micah 3:5).

    It is rather sad that there are many, though not all, Church leaders out there that appreciate money more than the thought of helping another down the right path to salvation.
    I applaud you Maggie for bring such a write like this to sight.

    I would offer some suggestions as to how you can improve this but Janneke as basically covered that and I don't want to sound to repititive. The only thing that I would suggest that you change is that last line, as it stands doesn't seem to make any real impact to the write

    ' The Candy Man can.'

    Maybe some lengthening or something to that, who knows. This was a real thought-provoking write and I'm glad to hear your opinion.

    Keep up the good work
    and take care

    Later
    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Congratulations maggie, i think you've done a wonderful job, revising this piece. I remember reading this, being one of the many who thought you were talking about drugs, and maybe it's a good thing you gave the explanation with it now. Or maybe not. If you want to check wether the revised version is clearer than the original, and have new, own thoughts, then I think you should remove the expl.
    Now about the poem. You said it could still need some work, and I partially agree with that, because if you won't, it still is a good write. But on the other hand.. I can think of some things you may (not) think about.
    I think the thirs stanza is really good, but consider this:

    he just brings the goods
    as fast as he could to them.

    or

    he just brings them the goods
    as fast as he could

    I think that sounds better, it even rhymes a little now.
    In stanza 4, also one of my favs, think the 'just'does not sound right.
    The last stanza, i like the fact you call the Bible an old dusty fairytale book. But about the last line:
    they had outgrew that.

    Think it should be, had outgrown, i think that is more grammatically correct.
    Now about the candyman's lines, I think they fit in very well. If you read them behind the stanza, it makes sence, but also when you read those three after eachother.

    All in all, you got my vote , even if you ignore my suggestions, lol.

    Janneke

    | Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. i already know my comment isn't gonna be nearly as long as their's but...i'll give it a whirl. this was cool. the candy men in today's society suck but at the same time i feel there are a lot of people who preach in the opposite way. they use scare tactics to frighten u into believing what they want u to believe and u end up conforming to some type of behavior in pursuit of a cause that u may not even believe in. we just need to find the happy medium between the two.
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]


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