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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beautiful womandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ramneet
    ASL Info:    33/F/Boston
    Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 262/107/52
    Words: 441
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1295



    Description:
       I think of all the loves in this world,the love of mother for her kid is the most stable.It is selfless.It is really amazing.God has created such a creature and he actually represents himself through Her.I really wonder at His creation and also pay my gratitude to Him for blessing us with Her.


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    dotsBeautiful womandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beautiful woman
    with ambrosial beauty
    on a divine face.


    Old woman
    wrinkles on the face and plump body
    with beauty of uncoditional and immaculate love.

    Beautiful soul
    with beauty of love and eternal relationship.

    Love no boundaries.
    Deep like a ocean.
    Always flowing like a brook.


    Creator of life.
    Life’s journey starts from Her.
    Makes a man Human.
    Supreme of all.


    Warmth and strength in Her love
    makes life beautiful.
    Happy moments,treasured memories and shared sorrows
    with Her.
    She is the best friend.


    She does magic making in kitchen.
    Her love is felt in the taste and aroma of Her food.
    She is the best cook in the world.

    The charisma on Her face
    is the beauty of Her love.

    This beautiful woman is your MOTHER.




    Submitted on 2006-05-20 15:45:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is a nice poem, you have a good idea going on here but even thought it was nice and very sweet I feel like it was missing something. Dont get me wrong I think that this is a good poem but you kinda lost the passion in the end and just stated who you were talking about. What I would suggest is that you would do so more tenderly and say something more like

    that love that is spoken with a word
    is manifested through a beautiful woman called mom

    but in the end its your choice and how you feel about the piece (mind you this is only a suggestion) i hope that everthing goes well and thanks for the good read I really liked this

    andrea
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]
      The first part of this was really sweet, and I liked it a lot. Then the problems starts arising, it looses momentum. The passion in which you start of with slowly slips away, and you end up just stating subjective facts (if such exist).
    The last line is an absolute no go. Ending a poem with a punch-line is something that is common, but it really is bad poetry (I have a hard time calling it poetry at all). After junior high the urge to punch-lines should be out of your system. It only indicates that what you have written is not enough, and you need to explain things. If this is the case, you have either not done you job well enough, or the reader is thick as a plank. In this case you have done your job, and when you come to the last line, we know it is a/your mother you are talking about. The firm indication in the stanza:

    Creator of life.
    Life’s journey starts from Her.
    Makes a man Human.
    Supreme of all.

    Is enough to let us know who is being praised. You can actually improve on this by letting go of one line.

    As to the content, the last part of this, I am a bit ambivalent towards. I see that you are describing a mother, but the way is a bit: ‘back to the kitchen’ like. This might just be me.

    Anyhow, a sweet and promising start, which you can work on. There is some real potential in it.

    All best,
    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]


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