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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: scissorsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ziska
    ASL Info:    25/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    7.58 - 121/106/33
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 153
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1485



    Description:
       eh, randomness


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsscissorsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sometime around midnight,
    I'm sitting in the dark at my computer
    With the usual diversions from reality,
    All play and no work,
    (Or vice versa) :

    The whimpering of the dog in the next apartment over blending with the howling of ambulances and fire trucks and police cars
    Their sirens blended together smothering the sound of running engines and horns honking and people shouting at one another.
    The pounding of footsteps above,
    The dripping sound of a leaky faucet.

    In this tiny bubble, there is peace.
    Jack in to the system ignore the world
    Become what you will, make yourself
    In your own image or in another image entirely.
    The power of technology.
    High tech make believe.

    But, I digress.

    I stood up and walked to the kitchen.
    Dirty dishes and nothing to eat anyway.
    Coffee stain rorschach blots on the counter
    Manage to hold my attention for a moment.

    I walked into the bathroom, with its
    Bright glaring white light
    Illuminating all my faults in the mirror
    How the skin seems to droop beneath my eyes,
    The eyebrows are too bushy, the arc
    of my nose a bit too curved
    My hair, long brown waves cascading down my back ending in tangles and tatters at my waist.
    I pick up a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet and begin to cut away the years.




    Submitted on 2006-05-20 16:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, talk about raw. I love this. The beginning does make me think of the similarities between you and Stephen King. But the ending that is the part I love:
    I pick up a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet and begin to cut away the years.
    The line before that makes me think of my hair. I think everyone wishes that they were different than they really are in some way or another. The way you describe everything so vividly makes it easy for the reader to picture the whole thing in their minds. Good Write. Very original.
    LeAnna
    | Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way you ended this. Emphatically, yet leaving so much unsaid, like a future that the reader can only guess at.

    A very interesting piece, using thoughts and mundane external life together to show the frustration we feel sometimes.

    A couple of things that caught me: You start with present tense in "sitting" and change to past as in "walked into the bathroom" then back to present "pick up the scissors" I'd straaighten that out for consistency.

    The bubble reference. Coming strainght after the drip, it seems to refer to it, and is a touch confusing until one realizes you are talking about the bubble you referred to in the first stanza. So I'd fix that.

    Otherwise, very good indeed, enjoyable, and transports the reader to someplace else...where YOU were, so superb in that respect.

    Well done

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      The female cutting her own hair is an overplayed symbol of change, but here you treat it with such nonchalance that it never becomes prophetic. We do not expect a life change to occur. You have brilliantly built up the boredom to the point where we accept the act of cutting your hair as just another form of amusement or grooming and not some great life-changing experience. Yes, "years" have been "cut away" but we expect tomorrow to still resemble today, perhaps with a new coiffure. It is in the subtle "cut away" of "the years" that we feel some regrets have been erased as opposed to an epiphany having occurred.

    What I like about this just that. It is not your ususal symbolism of hair-cutting as the change of life. No, please, not that old emblem. This is deeper, this is acceptance of life, of survival amongst the faceless crowds, of putting a new twist into an on-going story. "Tomorrow, I will go on living, but see my new look. I am somewhat different, but above all else I am still me." It is the courage to face each new day as the same person you have always been. Some things have changed, but only on the surface.

    Favorite things:

    "all play and no work"

    A nice turning of a phrase.

    "In this tiny bubble"

    This truly sets up the isolation.

    "Coffee stain rorschach blots"

    Takes the mundane and turns it inward. Though I think you should capitalize "Rorschach."

    "ending in tangles and tatters"

    The regrets that will fall to the floor.

    Well, I really liked this one, and having glanced at some others of your work, I am very impressed. You have piqued my interest and I shall be reading and commenting on more of your "stuff."

    This one's great, thanks for posting.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]



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