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Wanted: New Transmission

Author: Superman
ASL Info:    21 Lady
Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695 /377 /71
Words: 139
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1622
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1112


Dont like the last line in the first stanza. Overall I guess I like it but I feel like its a taf bit off.

All suggestions welcomed. Be brutal, I'm a big kid.

Wanted: New Transmission

Turn ignition
--------On position
The climax at at rough transition
the knot that broke

the line the severed

the heart that wasnt love endeavored

Changing gears
--------Wiping tears
trading apologies for fears
the ship that sunk

the treasure gone

A battle won and fought by dawn

Stop at red
---------No words said
a break before the turn ahead
the eyes that pierce

the shoulders cold

A dealers turn to sigh and fold

Make a right
---------Squeeze in tight
Everything will be alright
its getting dark

place in park

Lovers flame or just a spark?

Submitted on 2006-05-20 17:26:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Well, I like the form and the feel of this poem. I can tell you thought about it and were trying to do something creative and thought provoking. congratulations.

However, The image of the ship and treasure is out of place. What does the ship have to do with a car? With transmission? You might want to think of a different image and stay with the one metaphor of the car and not move off into other vehicles. It will give your poem consistancy.
| Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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