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    dots Submission Name: Wanted: New Transmissiondots

    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    21 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695/377/71
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1036
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1112

       Dont like the last line in the first stanza. Overall I guess I like it but I feel like its a taf bit off.

    All suggestions welcomed. Be brutal, I'm a big kid.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWanted: New Transmissiondots

    Turn ignition
    --------On position
    The climax at at rough transition
    the knot that broke

    the line the severed

    the heart that wasnt love endeavored

    Changing gears
    --------Wiping tears
    trading apologies for fears
    the ship that sunk

    the treasure gone

    A battle won and fought by dawn

    Stop at red
    ---------No words said
    a break before the turn ahead
    the eyes that pierce

    the shoulders cold

    A dealers turn to sigh and fold

    Make a right
    ---------Squeeze in tight
    Everything will be alright
    its getting dark

    place in park

    Lovers flame or just a spark?

    Submitted on 2006-05-20 17:26:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I like the form and the feel of this poem. I can tell you thought about it and were trying to do something creative and thought provoking. congratulations.

    However, The image of the ship and treasure is out of place. What does the ship have to do with a car? With transmission? You might want to think of a different image and stay with the one metaphor of the car and not move off into other vehicles. It will give your poem consistancy.
    | Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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