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Author: Jeniffer
ASL Info:    18/f/earth
Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240 /279 /81
Words: 322
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1891
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2235


More love fiction.
You'll notice that the rhythm, rater than being constant, is self contained and varies from stanza to stanza, verse to verse, line to line.
I know I'm probably not finished with this, so criticize to your hearts content. Bash it to pieces. Tell me I rock to high heaven and should be more famous then Elvis and Emily Dickinson put together. I don't care, just be useful and tell me something I haven't heard before and wouldn't have figured out myself. Oh, and if you're not familiar with my work or I yours, I would prefer that you don't comment right now for my ratio's sake. Nothing personal, I just forgot to 'hide' this submission before clicking the button.


Once upon a summer stroll,
where we passed lovely pieces of our history,
dried up memories,
and patchwork sentiments
like faded paint on things
we once loved,
I bent down, so only you would hear
and whispered slow
as the breeze in our park;

" Did you miss those people embracing in store windows?
Notice the way pedestrians
and fall in love, forgetting entirely
the red light,
and the cars
become so obsolete,
reduced to an audience to wondrous catastrophe
upon a stage of grey."

Pointing out the slightly blue hue of the air,
as if the day were collecting moonlight,
and the way sunshine bounces off
flecks of dust,
like optimism off the hearts off men,
becomes our specialty.

"Look, see the turning cement mixers?
Like the mailman's' destinations,
the singing police sirens
and grocers responsibilities,
they have grown so merrily ours."

We watch as strangers
of the saddest kind
suddenly are the best paired couples,
and like the hand in hand fantasies
that grace a world so rare,
walk right past
as we laugh out loud
at everyday signs
because they are blank for lack of better words,
as all the atmosphere is lit
with ambient poetry.

"Can you see the dance of eternity, love?
it is spinning off into the streets
from the sidewalks;
it is in the stores,
outside the taverns,
and behind their eyes,
and it performs in perfect symmetry."

You came to realize that day,
that these strange things seem to happen,
in the unsuspecting and forgetful world,
to all that we pass by;
and wondered at the same time,
if we seem out of place
where a certain beauty can be so foreign.

And we stepped off the curb together,
the ends of the normal meeting behind our heels,
the mundane gathering in our wake,
and us mixing with the forgetful.

Submitted on 2006-05-20 20:47:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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5: Wow!


  This is great. I really enjoyed it. I love your style. It's not like most 'roses are red, violets are blue' poems that you read on this site. You've got some talent there. Keep it up.

| Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by CeruleanStorm | [ Reply to This ]
  Jeniffer, You rock to high heaven and should be more famous than Emily Dickinson but not Elvis because even you don't beat the king :)

Well, plesantries aside, I have finally found enough time to comment on your work but its gonna be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG comment so be forewarned.

St1- While i love the sentiment of this part, its a bit confusing becuase you start with 'once' and then go into describing the pieces of history. my suggestion would be to re-word or take the comma off the end of memories so the description is read like a long phrase.
Also in this stanza, in the last two lines, i think you might want to add 'as' to the second-to-last line or make 'as' on the last line to 'like'.

St2- (I Loved this stanza, but thats not feedback :> )Perhaps you would consider splitting the first line after 'miss' to give more structure and lead into the other questions. Also, I would put a question mark after cars or at least a comma to split the two thoughts up. maybe add an 'a' before 'wondrous'.

St3- yet again, lovely sentiment but you describe it a bit too well. "Pointing......Becomes our speciality" this is the gist but the descripiton confuses. I like the description a lot so i don't want to take it out but perhaps there is some way you can format these stanzas to allow for a more flowing read.

St4-Nothing wrong that i can see but i wonder if this would be better as a thought rather than a dialoge bit.

St5- not much here either, just hand-in-hand should be hyphenated. (i'm to lazy to spell check that so deal :> )

St6- Beautiful! but perhaps take off 'is' in the second line. its not really needed.

St7- I would add 'you' again before 'wondered' just to reiterate who it is that is the subject of this stanza.

St8-this is awesome too! but (ALWAYS a but) i would maybe re-work the last line to make it roll off the toung a bit better...'us' just seems to snag me for some reason. Perhaps something like "as we mixed with the forgetful" or something along those lines.

There, that was really long but i gotta tell you that i loved this poem. it was complex enough to make me go back and re-read several times yet charming and simple enough to make me smile- a hard thing to accomplish. this is wistful and dreamy yet it has subsance. Congrats is all i can say and now i shall leave before i start Gushing.....

Remember that my critique is merely some suggestions and that its your peice to do with as you chose.

Thanks for sharing-
| Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

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