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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Carouseldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokenroses
    ASL Info:    17/m/indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 191/192/62
    Words: 404
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 877
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2301



    Description:
       just something i wrote the other day. tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Carouseldots
    -------------------------------------------


         I sat alone on the empty park bench staring as the carousel rounded again and again and again. The lifeless horses adorning the colorful wheel went round and round as they gleefully bounced up and down. The children laughed with simple joy and their bright eyes seemed to sparkle with every pass. The wheel made one more turn and slowed to a screeching halt to let the conspicuously exhausted riders exit to the ground sprinkled with paper plates and cups and popcorn litter.
         The giddy new group of riders anxiously awaited the entrance to be unlatched and swung open like the gates of heaven thrown back to reveal a joy unknown. The eager horses never tired as they raced around at some never ending pace. They would bounce and round with a youthful freshness that was ever so sound. Their eyes, void of any use, caught upon mine and bore into my sould like a drill eating at rock.
         They tore at the facade within my eyes and threw back the flood gates. I poured with a great sadness for those faux horses rounding upon the great and colorful wheel. I felt the harness upon my back, and the hopelessness of living in circles. No progress met my mind as I made mention of my mediocre life meddling on the meaningless merry-go-round. No joy did find my heart as I passed the same bars and billboards day after day, round after round, breath after breath. I fell into some jail of jubilation as all the bright colors I passed imprisoned my meandering mind.
         I broke gaze with that hoax of a horse and felt some deeper knowlege of the sadness of a carnival. I knew that all the flashing lights and calling carnies were some wallpaper put over the depressed drywall, and that the glue could not hold for much longer. This horse with no soul showed me signs with the desperation in its eyes what my mediocre life was lacking in time. That horse brought sadness to my heart as it bounced around and we grew apart, but don't you think I will forget her. No, no, don't you think I have forgotten that sad, sweet horse. She rides in my mind every day. The desperation in her eyes cries to my mind through every line.




    Submitted on 2006-05-21 16:50:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi,
    I like the metaphor and images.

    I felt the harness upon my back, and the hopelessness of living in circles. No progress met my mind as I made mention of my mediocre life meddling on the meaningless merry-go-round.


    I do wonder about the opening.

    I sat alone on the empty park bench staring as the carousel rounded again and again and again.

    Nit picky stuff, if you are sitting on the bench, is it empty? I think you can drop the empty part without losing the picture in the reader'S mind.

    Nice stuff

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting idea. However, there are few places where your turn of pharse feels awkward.

    Example;

    The giddy new group of riders anxiously awaited the entrance to be unlatched and swung open like the gates of heaven thrown back to reveal a joy unknown.

    Colud be repharsed as;

    The giddy new group of riders waited anxiously for the entrance to be unlatched, swung open like the gates of heaven to reveal a joy unknown.

    It just flows better/less awkwardly when stated in a simpler way. There are few other places that could benifit from that same advice as well.

    Overall, though, I think you did a very good job of expressing what you saw and how/what it looked like and made you feel.
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by Simply_Enchante | [ Reply to This ]


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