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    dots Submission Name: Alone in Kyotodots

    Author: mara
    Elite Ratio:    6.38 - 65/74/20
    Words: 55
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 995
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 466

       written for an instrumental by Air.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlone in Kyotodots

    blossoms and rain.
    the storms tease us
    this spring--

    tease me, that is--

    listening to the
    water patter against
    the roof you repaired
    last autumn,

    frogs spawn
    and prepare for

    I sing their song, too.

    partnerless, my voice
    rises thin and weak

    against the quickening weather.

    Submitted on 2006-05-21 18:15:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Very short, very lovely and very roooomantic! A wonderful piece of poetry, indeed! I enjoyed this a great deal!! bravo... bravo... bravo...
    | Posted on 2008-03-21 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      i love air. the imagery of nature in this poem is quite lovely. very nice write. the tone is very contemplative, and i must agree with the other comments; the style is very haiku-like. sort of leaves me breathless.

    i really like this piece; i think this poem does justice to the song. in fact, i'm going to listen to air now.
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
      frogs spawn
    and prepare
    for summer(;)
    (A semi-colon here instead of a comma? It seems to be more 'correct' to me. And maybe shift "for" to the next line under?)

    I sing their song() too. (Not sure why you had a comma after "song").

    my voice rises
    thin and weak
    (How about slightly different lineation?)

    These are just nitpicks to how I would do it, so by all means take what you think works and ditch the rest.

    I enjoyed this poem-- it's very contemplative, very Japanese extended-haiku-like to me, which is a style I can identify with personally.

    It's a different voice for you, I suppose, which is great.

    And that's all I've got for ya right now (it's Saturday morning and I'm at a friend's place 100 kilometre's from where I live so I can't stay on here forever lol).

    Peace and kittens,

    | Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent poem here. I love the feelings of sadness this envokes in me. The feelings of an empty house full of nothing but ghosts and memories. I can see so clearly this picture of someone lost in thoughts of the past as a rainy day passes around them. Although it envokes feelings of sadness, it also ends with a little bit of hope. ALthough the protagonists "voice rises thin and weak" it still rises "against the quickening weather". To me this is talking about getting back on your feet and letting go of the past, or not letting it destroy you rather.

    I could be way off in my interpretations but still, very nice writing.

    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      Mara, this a nicely written piece. I think it might be a bit stronger if you loose just a few minor words.
    "listening to the"
    I'd forget 'the' in this line. It seems extraneous.
    One of the joys of asian poetry is the sparity of it... like the haiku. the less said to focus on the meaning and the image, the better.
    "I sing their song, too."
    I'd suggest loosing the 'too' here as well. For the same reason. I think paring down your language will add to the lonley feel as well, leaving the poem at it's most emotional and minimal.
    Just my thoughts.
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.... WOW! Beautiful! The peaceful loneliness of this, bittersweet comfort in the familiar things while lacking the support pillar that once made these focal points a back-drop.... This was so well set up, the words lending to the story and allowing you to see that departure which left the writer a shell, a void to be filled by storms and blossoms and memories.... Very wonderful writing!
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]

    Lovely imagery. Your words always make me smile.

    This one was quite peaceful, but still felt somewhat ...hollow. The last three lines denote that swift change in tone and really make for a stunning ending.

    Another solid write. Thank you for sharing.

    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]

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