i love air. the imagery of nature in this poem is quite lovely. very nice write. the tone is very contemplative, and i must agree with the other comments; the style is very haiku-like. sort of leaves me breathless.
i really like this piece; i think this poem does justice to the song. in fact, i'm going to listen to air now.
frogs spawn and prepare for summer(;) (A semi-colon here instead of a comma? It seems to be more 'correct' to me. And maybe shift "for" to the next line under?)
I sing their song() too. (Not sure why you had a comma after "song").
partnerless, my voice rises thin and weak (How about slightly different lineation?)
These are just nitpicks to how I would do it, so by all means take what you think works and ditch the rest.
I enjoyed this poem-- it's very contemplative, very Japanese extended-haiku-like to me, which is a style I can identify with personally.
It's a different voice for you, I suppose, which is great.
And that's all I've got for ya right now (it's Saturday morning and I'm at a friend's place 100 kilometre's from where I live so I can't stay on here forever lol).
Excellent poem here. I love the feelings of sadness this envokes in me. The feelings of an empty house full of nothing but ghosts and memories. I can see so clearly this picture of someone lost in thoughts of the past as a rainy day passes around them. Although it envokes feelings of sadness, it also ends with a little bit of hope. ALthough the protagonists "voice rises thin and weak" it still rises "against the quickening weather". To me this is talking about getting back on your feet and letting go of the past, or not letting it destroy you rather.
I could be way off in my interpretations but still, very nice writing.
Mara, this a nicely written piece. I think it might be a bit stronger if you loose just a few minor words. "listening to the" I'd forget 'the' in this line. It seems extraneous. One of the joys of asian poetry is the sparity of it... like the haiku. the less said to focus on the meaning and the image, the better. "I sing their song, too." I'd suggest loosing the 'too' here as well. For the same reason. I think paring down your language will add to the lonley feel as well, leaving the poem at it's most emotional and minimal. Just my thoughts.
Wow.... WOW! Beautiful! The peaceful loneliness of this, bittersweet comfort in the familiar things while lacking the support pillar that once made these focal points a back-drop.... This was so well set up, the words lending to the story and allowing you to see that departure which left the writer a shell, a void to be filled by storms and blossoms and memories.... Very wonderful writing!
This one was quite peaceful, but still felt somewhat ...hollow. The last three lines denote that swift change in tone and really make for a stunning ending.
Submission Name: Alone in Kyoto
