Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Long Overdue Through a Wall of Clichés

Author: wallya20
ASL Info:    18/m/Bahamas
Elite Ratio:    8 - 113 /68 /26
Words: 184
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1459
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1174


Long Overdue Through a Wall of Clichés

Will you please?
Its time for you to return,
My ear without your voice serves no purpose,
This patch of grass that is before me is Nothing;
Without your footsteps,
The subtle sound of each graze over your cheek evades my grasp.
The stars that overcome the exquisite landscape of the night;
Are nothing without your head laying upon my Chest,
Your arrival is long overdue.
The petals are withering because you aren’t here to water it,
Just as my eyes are flooded because your Fingertips are lost;
They aren’t here to wipe them.
I turn to my death stricken angel for help,
But her wounds are still deep.
My heart has begun to bleed a great deal,
My pulse is descending,
This started off as something sweet but, Without you,
Sweet has lost its true meaning, and now there is a bitter taste.
The walls of our great empire are falling,
Just because….
You aren’t here to kiss my pain away.
These poor clichés mean nothing without you Here
It has been 2.27 seconds without you and Your arrival is long overdue.

Submitted on 2006-05-21 21:04:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This is a very sweet write, heart felt. I can tell you miss this person a lot, and that you care for them a ton. I felt this way before, but it ended in nothing but misery, like everything, or most things do. Anyway, very emotional write, the ending was my favorite part, it was the sweetest. Because from the beginning I thought years apart, and the end made everything so much more worth it, loved it..I always feel something from your writes, a past feeling, something i've never felt before, always something that intrigues me..Loved this write, the titled served it well. Take Care!!

| Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this a lot.
it's very heart wrenching, but in a kind of subtle way...if that makes sense

i think my favorit part of the whole poem is this line right here:

"It has been 2.27 seconds without you and Your arrival is long overdue."

aw. i think that is SOOO sweet. it's only been 2.27 seconds since the person has been gone and you are already missing them this much. that really pushes the impact of this poem to the top. i think that line right there just shows how much this person means to you.

there is one thing, and one thing only i think you should change in this poem.

"The stars that overcome the exquisite landscape of the night;
Is nothing without your head laying upon my Chest,"

instead of saying "IS" nothing...i think you should say "ARE" nothing because the stars are plural. and it doesnt sound right saying "the stars is..." as opposed to "the stars are..."

but other than that, i didnt see anything else wrong with this that i would change.

...lovely write. ...i enjoyed it
thanks for sharin! :-)
| Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  aww this was such a sweet write ((yeah u probably hate to hear that but too bad I'll say it anyway;P) =X= Your words always have so much desperation behind them, such a deep longing, I always love that about your writes. I liked how easily you connected some instances that could have stood on their own but made an even stronger meaning strung together.
"The stars that overcome the exquisite landscape of the night;
Is nothing without your head laying upon my Chest,"
guess that was really just an easy visual for me to connect with. all in all really good write, glad you posted it tonight
| Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?