A Message To Those That Appear In My Dreams
I have to know, why it is you are with me, and why it is that I am here on this planet. If I was supposed to do something, let me know, and stop holding me back from life. I need to experience it all and I need to talk to you, I love all of you so much but i need to find others to love as well or else everything in this life will feel foreign to me forever. Maybe there is some reason you restrict me, and if there is I want to know. I'm sorry for my awful memory, If I was supposed to remember something important, or if I do and I'm just too dumb to recognise the true past from the false things that have since entered my memory. I need help more than ever, and I don't want to give up on myself. My time to do good is soon, I can feel it, I want the power to feel free and unhindered by these chains which have held me back all these years, I need to experience honesty and truth, I know it's out there, I've experienced it in past lives, with all of you who love me so much that you guard me in this current incarnation, and I love you so much for it, it's insane. I'm not asking for you to leave me alone entirely, but just know that I will never forget you, and I will always be your friend and I hope to guard you sometime myself. That is a promise. I feel as though I am slowly getting better, I just want you to know that I feel very unstable in this stage of this life and I'm in need of extra care to see it though, just so you know. I am strong, and strong enough to know when I am in need of help.
Show me my way, I will not fail. I will strive forever, and ever, and ever.
Perhaps this rant was for nothing but to teach me a lesson. And to learn from something within myself, and from drinking and drinking and drinking. I admit I am not perfect. But maybe I'm meant to remain in this same illness until I am perfect, but I don't believe that that is possible, because every once in a while I require an instance where I need to break free from it, like tonight. There's hope somewhere isn't there? I feel like such a pain to everyone, but I know if it was me and I saw someone in as much anguish as myself, I would want to fix them if they came to me, I would love them, I would love them, I would love them,
And the truth is, I feel like this has all been planned out as a test. A test of character, I believe that. I think I must've done some horrible act in a past life to deserve this torment, and I am sorry. If that is not enough to save me, that's fine, but I will do what needs to be done, I believe in valour, and valour is my truth. My life will succeed to show that I am no fool, and that I am not a coward. I will own up to whatever I have done, even if this life is only meant as punishment. I am here for greater things, and I will trudge through what must be trudged.