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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Heartbeatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhErEaMi
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    2.95 - 35/38/24
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 804
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 874



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Heartbeatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I walk alone among the trees
    I hear your soft voice within the breeze

    I feel your warm touch from the sun
    Your life was brief, had just begun

    Through rain swept clouds, I see your face
    In honeycombs I treasure your taste

    In babbling brooks your laughter rings
    In angelic choirs your sonnet sings

    In fragrant scent your blossom blooms
    Like garlands scatter the earth like plumes

    And as daylight's burden slightly wanes
    Your single kiss falls from the rains

    Your bright eyes shimmer from the stars
    And slowly lift my hidden scars

    As my heavy heart turns to peace
    For the life you gave, you will never cease

    For you will always be with me today
    In knowing you are only one heartbeat away.




    Submitted on 2006-05-22 10:47:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Oh wow...I loved this! I love the imagery you gave. It was very emotional and touching! Ima add it to my faves!

    Kris
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really sad. I think you managed the verses and the rhymes very well.

    Just a few suggestions put into brackets:



    I walk alone among the trees
    I hear your soft voice [] in the breeze

    I feel your warm[th] from the sun
    Your life had just [recently] begun

    Through rain swept clouds, I see your face
    In honeycombs[,] I treasure your taste

    In babbling brooks[,] your laughter rings
    In angelic choirs[,] your sonnet sings

    In fragrant scent[,] your blossom blooms
    Like garlands scatter the earth like plumes

    And as daylight's burden slightly wanes
    Your single kiss [drops through the rain]

    Your bright eyes shimmer from the stars
    And slowly lift my hidden scars

    As my heavy heart turns to peace
    For the life you gave, you will never cease

    For you will always be with me today
    In knowing you are only one heartbeat away


    It's minor things like those, which I believe, can improve the flow of a poem greatly. Otherwise, this was a really depressing and powerful poem with a good ending. Good Job. I would like if you took a look at a write of mine.
    Thanks



    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    104293

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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