Like a splinter
caught in my finger
to the human eye
but I know you are
pricking my thoughts
somehow creating this
stinging sensation of pain
that won't go away
unless I pluck you out
from my subconscience
or just grow numb
to the way you are
wedging your way
between me and sanity
and allow a thick skin
of indifference to settle over
I may have left for you.
Excellent. Never have I seen something written so well about a little prick (take that how you will). Everything that has been said is redefined in this one I think: Cold hearts, not caring, little to no understanding or perception of others' feelings. Although, when all these unseens go for too long you have to develop a way to cope with them one way or another. This is where the poem begs the question: pluck or not to pluck. Sometimes I get splinters that are just too deep to try to bother to dig them out. Sometimes they don't hurt so bad so I let them sit...little black subterranean vessels nestled in next to my blood vessels. It's like a visual graveyard if you think about it: splinters coming from pieces of wood that had already been detatched from life. Sometimes you have to have things burried in order to forget about them. I liked this one. My favorite line(s) is above.
I really like this idea and I appreciate your hard working mental input into this poem.. I'm really going to doubt my ability to comment, wait! I got something to say: The italics you used with 'I', is nice, but now it looks like it sticks to the next word, maybe consider an extra space or something? Anyway, this was a nice job Maggie,
A nice allusion, and one that I haven't heard before. However, to be rather honest, I think it needs revising, since it neither feels frilly, nor natural. To be honest, it sounds like you forced several of the lines. Especially in the following two sets:
"that won't go away unless I pluck you away from my subconscience "
First off, can you pluck something away, or would you pluck it from or out of...Don't know, but contextually it seems forced to me.
"barely there to the human eye but I know you are there "
This particular set of lines seems equally out of synch, I think that you may want to consider rewording the line "barely there" it sounds like you couldn't finde any better way to say it, so you settled with something slightly less than what you were looking for.
Anyhow, you have a wonderful idea on this one, but, it sounded halfway like you wanted it to be visual, and halfway nonchalant, which strikes me as detrimental. That's what I have for you on this one. Salaam.
ahh this makes me think of those people i depend on. bad, nasty habit. but the splinter is all of them, reminding me that i have no independence. wooooooo. very nice write. you're very talented, of course you already know that. : ) take care birdy
wedging your way between me and sanity and allow a thick skin of indifference to settle over whatever feelings I may have left for you.
those lines are all amazing. u made this person exactly like a splinter. it's usually just a small inconvenience but if u have one, u can't get it out of ur mind. ur always aware of it. this is definitely going on my fave list