Eviction Notice Ignored by ebflannery

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Submission Name: Eviction Notice Ignored dots

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Author:	ebflannery
ASL Info:	24/
Elite Ratio:	4.6 - 184/184/48
Words:	77

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	114
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	451

Description:
It certainly isn't the best I have written by anymeans, but I had to say what has been bothering me. Maybe now, the Notice will be Noticed! hehehe

Eviction Notice Ignored dots

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I want to wipe away his memory
Evict him from my dreams
He doesn't belong there anymore,
(Hasn't paid rent in half a decade!)
My life is so wonderful, I have what I need
My children, my Love, my doggie
Don't want to see him when I close my eyes
Don't want to speak to him when I sleep
So many years have passed since I have touched him
So why won't he let me be?

Submitted on 2006-05-22 23:03:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This was pretty decent. I don't think you need to say anymore than what you have said with this.

I can relate to this, not that I have a man in my life that won't leave but my mother was in such a relationship at one point. It was extremely toxic. I don't think I have ever hated a being like how I hate(yes hate, I still do hate him). I haven't find it in myself as yet to forgive that....sighs

This write also reminded me of another great write on this site, its of a similar name. Its called Eviction Notice. Written by Magnolia Steele. Maybe you could take a look at that sometime.

Anyway, I enjoyed this.
Keep up the good work
and have a great day.

Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  i think i am going to disagree with maskannai
i dont think you need more description for this write. sometimes ya do sometimes ya dont but in this case i dont think you need it.

i think maybe the way you wrote this is kind of reflecting the way you feel about this person or this situation or that fact that you cant get this person to go away (maybe not physically but in you head)

i like the title. and the idea of "evicting" this person. and how they "havent paid rent in years" i just think that was a clever way to write this and explain it. ...it makes sense though! :-)

one thing that i would change though....the word doggie. it just seems too out of place, too elementary for this poem. it just doesnt seem to fit.

but other than that i liked this :-)
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  It's definitely interesting and has good feeling put into it, but I didn't really feel like I was finished reading when it ended.. You might try putting a little more description into it..
My example for what I mean on that is one of the rules of photography.. Never put straight lines through a photograph because you want your viewer's eyes to wander through, not move straight through and be finished in two seconds.. Put to writing basically you want your reader to feel satisfied with what you have presented them rather than wondering where the rest is..
Yes, I know I'm mean, but it is better to give a straight opinion than a flowery one..
| Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]

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