Do I See? by Maskannai

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Submission Name: Do I See? dots

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Author:	Maskannai
ASL Info:	25/Female/Utah
Elite Ratio:	4.91 - 171/158/67
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	137
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	507

Description:
Once again it's just something I thought up on the fly.. Be as mean or as nice as you want to..

Do I See? dots

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Do I see you,
with your raven hair
and your emerald smile?
You see what I think
I am and what I really am,
but I do not
know how to look
or even what
I am looking for.

Do you see,
my auburn eyes
and my manicured claws?
I think I can see you,
but all I'm really seeing
is a shadowy representation
of who you really are
deep inside that scaled coat
you wrap around your heart..

Submitted on 2006-05-22 23:08:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Hey
i really wanted to know what you saw. I guess the title although an everyday expression still made me want to find out what you were talking about.

Do I see you,
with your raven hair
and your emerald smile?

I don't think you were asking a question in this this sentence. I thought that you were making a statement as i assumed that you were sure of what you were talking about. It's not always wise to begin a sentence with a statement ending up as a question. It make the piece right from the beginning shaky.

You see what I think
I am and what I really am,

Here i thought you were being redundant and it didn't really make much sense to me. So i'd suggest rearranging this sentence.

but I do not
know how to look
or even what
I am looking for.

Here i thought you were using a bit too many simple words as though you were trying to be cautious when you should of attacked the subject at hand. don't really think your approach was the right one in stating this in that way.

Do you see,
my auburn eyes
and my manicured claws?

Here you have begun to make more sense and this has turned out to be a question. Maybe because you are asking him about yourself and not asking him and himself. Somehow, what i just said didn't make sense but still, i thought that this sentence was better constructed maybe because of your word choice.

I think I can see you,
but all I'm really seeing
is a shadowy representation
of who you really are

This is interesting. I probably like this part most except for the really long word. If you want to put in a really long word make sure all the rest of the words are long. So far this is your first and it didn't really look too good because you are at the end of your piece.

deep inside that scaled coat
you wrap around your heart..

the last sentence made me wonder. Can u really wrap yourself around your heart. somehow, that part to me needs some explanation.

Anyhow, overall, i really enojyed reading it. It was clear and didn't skip away from its meaning.
Hope to see more of your work soon.
Until next time, take care....
Irina
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
If I were to be hypercritical I'd say that "representation" is too long on the tongue in regards to the rest of the poem. A suggestion would be "visage"-- it says the same thing, and I dunno, it sounds less of a mouthful. Each to their own though.

I also don't think you really need a comma after your first line in both stanzas. But one at the end of your seventh line in your second stanza might be beneficial. But that's just how I'm reading it out.

Maybe it's your ID pic but I get the overall impression of a dragon here-- what with "manicured claws" and 'scaled coat". These metaphoric allusions work, although (in my crappy opinion) are slightly overused devices to snare a reader in. Although, what I do get is a sense of your own perception of not being beautiful enough, and a sense that this person of your affection has a cold exterior... one that you want to pierce but are unsure how to do so.

So in that case, this poems works and manages to say a lot in a few words. And that's a good thing.

Well, that's all from me. Hopefully this was unbiased enough for you.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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