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Eleanore (Revised)


Author: Magnolia Steele
ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492 /1825 /232
Words: 141
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1617
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 856



Description:


I thought I would finally revise and post that villanelle I attempted a few weeks back. I'm not sure about it, but would love your input. The structure is:

A1 - b - A2
a - b - A1
a - b - A2
a - b - A1
a - b - A2
a - b - A1 - A2

Enjoy


Eleanore (Revised)



He left her alone on the shore,
A fisherman down to his last dime;
He longed to be with his Eleanore.

Two pennies from being poor,
Kept him on the sea for some time;
He left her alone on the shore.

Netting fish was such a chore,
The fish were often full of grime ;
He longed to be with his Eleanore.

She was the fire within his core,
Her scent was of tangerine and lime;
He left her alone on the shore.

There was nothing left to explore.
She was the reason and he the rhyme.
He longed to be with his Eleanore.

When He knocked at the door,
He felt something more then sublime;
He left her alone on the shore,
He longed to be with his Eleanore.









Submitted on 2006-05-22 23:45:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This was really well done. It painted a whole story. It was in its own right original and I imagine diffucult to write. I probably enjoyed it so much because it reminded me of two of my favorite poems by Poe. The Raven and Annabel Lee. Thanks for sharing

Swanne
| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
  Nicely done. I couldn't write something like this for love or money. Good work. Only change I might think about would be to make 'tangerines and limes' both singular. Nice job here.

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I remember this Maggie and I must say you did better this time around. There are still some areas though I feel needs some more tightening up, though thats more of a personal opinion.

I still applaud you your effort at a form I don't see myself trying anytime in the near future.

Keep up the good work
and take care

Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this form is probably one of the hardest to tell a story with because the repeated line sometimes feel stilted. This is not bad and I liked the story you painted, but caught myself going back to see if A1 and A2 could be reversed and still work. I just don't think it gets much smoother in this poetic form.
jan
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved reading this! So few words, and yet you were able to incorporate so much feeling, so many images with very little painted for us to read. The line "She was the reason, and he the rhyme" really made the poem, in my opinion. I suppose that the way you included and made that phrase your own made the poem that much more enjoyable. I admire you for trying a difficult form. I myself have never endeavored to create a villanelle. It seems so grueling a task if one isn't concentrated wholly on the poem at hand. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Thank you so much for sharing this!
| Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by Annabelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, it is a very good villanelle. You used the classic way of writing the ballads (That to write a short interval-timed story) which gave more life to your villanelle. In "Her scent was of tangerine and lime" you add the smell to your picture making it livelier. It is really a very good villanelle.

Medhat
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Duke Medhat | [ Reply to This ]
  this reminded me of the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe. i guess all the "ore" sounds kinda made em seem similar. this one was well written but i really wasn't feeling it. i guess it just isn't my kinda poem
| Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]


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