Description: I'm not sure that this is the finished product....I've played with the last verses numerous times..but nothing seems to gel.
This is a rock song with a lot of strange chord progressions that give a psychodelic edge.
Feel free to leave any suggestions...I know it needs some help..that's why it's here.
Addiction
Gotta fever
You're the fever
You're the fire runnin through my veins
Addicition
Just one touch
Just one taste
And I knew my body would never be the same
[CHORUS]
I keep trying to break the habit
But your worse than crack cocaine
One come on smile from you
And self-denial is all in vain
Addiction
Pulses churnin
Body Yearnin
I can't wait until I'm near to you
Addiction
First you need me
Then you leave me
And I know I rate more than what I get from you
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
Addiction
You pull me from myself
you're my drop of ecstasy
But no matter how good it feels
Your kind of love is killing me
Addiction
Always runnin
Needin something
More than what you give to me
Addiction
Tried to hide it
Can't deny it
Why can't you go away and let my heart be free
Okay, screw that phil guy for starters for spamming on your song. It's a pretty good song, and i like the concept. Reminded me a little of saving abel's song.
Some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced, and the repitition of using "addiction" to start just about everything is overkill. It is better than a good start, but i don't think it's to the point where i'd be ready to put music behind it. A little work, and it'll be there though.
I like the idea behind this. I don't see anything that needs to be changed. You are just like me. sometimes I will compose a song and not satisfyed with it, but if I do it over I tend to mess it up. the only thing I don't feel belongs in it is the last line. it doesn't look like it fits.
Nitpicking details: second addiction in the first verse has one too many "i"s. :the last line you could take out the "and" and put in a ";"- that way it keeps the same # of syllables for the song. I liked the flow of the words and can hear the song behind them. Well written! -Vas
i think you did an excellent job writing this. the verses all flow quite nicely, the chorus fits perfectly and the general feel/point of the piece is masterfully portrayed. Be it addicition to a drug, an emotion, an experience, etc... it's all the same and i think that in spite of this song seemingly being about an addiction to unhealthy love, it could/does speak from such a natural understanding of the word addiction itself that it could be correlated to just about any addiction. i enjoyed this piece and could almost hear some screaming guitars and crunchy bass with some mid-to-heavy drums in the background. very nicely written and thank you for sharing!!!
Wow! very well written, i'm 22 and i am suffering just the same. i've been out on the road for a week and without my medicine,lol. The sickness occurs and it feels like death, yes, this piece appeals to my and my addiction. This piece is well composed for everything happens in such an order, harmless and first and then death when the harm is done(hooked). Excellent lyrics! ~Vladimir09!
I think it's fine the way it is. your comparison to love and drugs and the addiction of it all seems to explain alot of relationships! and makes for a great song. I wouldn't change anything on this one. nice work.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
thanx for your comment on mission bells i no it is confusing but thats the way i wrote the story it is based on 40 years ago of me growing up if i took the time to put it in lomg form then it would be even longer
your post is very powerful i would never let myself get that obsessed over anything or anyone and if i did i would never let anyone no
I like this! I've read throught it and see the metaphor working well. Love (or bad love) is the addiction. I do believe you could intensify the comparison with a few changes:
S1 - L1 I think "that" works better than "the." L7 "one small taste." L8 "And my body felt the fire flowin' to my brain."
I think this keeps the "sense" of "touch", "taste" and "fire" moving along.
Chorus - L1 "this" for "the." L3 It should be "come-on."
S2 - L4 Be brave! "Can't stand the pain 'til you're inside me." L8 "And can't you see I need more than you provide me?"
This carries the metaphor forward and is a bit more sexual to follow on with "churnin'" and yearnin'."
Bridge - L4 Change "killing me" to "deadly for me."
S3 - L4 "More intense (or serious) than you can give me." L8 "Why can't I stop using you and set my heart free?"
I think this gives you an ending, though you might want that last line to be a statement as opposed to a question.
I hope these help. They are meant to further the metaphor, strengthen it really.
Submission Name: Addiction
