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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jasminedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1231
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1272



    Description:
       For the girl who inspired me to yet again pick up my pen


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJasminedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let me hear you
    Let your words drift into me
    Describing promises Iíll never hope to know
    Bleeding through my fears with their subtle tones
    And washing away the thoughts of yet another day

    Should I fear you?
    Nobody else can enter me
    For within this barricade of consciousness
    Only the sounds of music and lilts of heartstrings
    Can be heard above sorrows morning calls

    Do you realise your power?
    Have you listened to the pounding of the thousands of hearts?
    As eyes glimpse upon the page before their owners, all your wonders
    When each word becomes a colour and infects anotherís soul
    And a millionth breath of silence entwines an ache that canít be hidden
    When each image that you lay upon the page becomes a portrait
    Of each every persons love or of themselves
    When each dripping of your pen upon the paper bleeds a little
    When each of us devours, a small piece of yourself

    Could I embrace you?
    As your words embrace my mind
    Whispering the melody of your own beliefs
    Encouraging my song itself to be heard
    Opening up the doors of an enclosed thought

    May I thank you?




    Submitted on 2006-05-23 10:49:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hey hun,

    all i have to do is read the title and im deeply touched also the description helped well hun lets see what i can do for you and this poem.

    Lets break this apart love.

    "Let me hear you"."
    Let your "soft spoken" words drift into me","
    "d"escribing promises Iíll never hope to know"."
    Bleeding through my fears with their subtle tones","
    "a"nd washing away the thoughts of yet another day"."

    okies what we need to do is polish this up and when im done ill show my feedback for you. ill show my changes with these " "

    a bit confused by this. "d"escribing promises Iíll never hope to know" if you have time can you clear this up for me in a PM?

    ok as to feed back i actually like this a bit confusing but the imagry is nice. Not the strongest part of it considering this is your intro to your reader and the first stanza usually catches my (as your reader) interest. a bit fixing up but that is it and i actually love this part also.

    "Should I fear you?
    Nobody else can enter "this place in" me"."
    For within this barricade of consciousness","
    "o"nly the sounds of music and lilts of heartstrings","
    "c"an be heard above sorrows morning calls"."

    okies like the first stanza im going to show my improvements.

    feed back this is what i see is that this is about a love that your scared to accept. That the feelings may be strong or overwhelming for the main person in this poem. i love how the farther i get into this the more you show to me the more i see and feel. Great job reallly. Welli have nothing really constructive to say so ill move on to the next.

    "Do you realise your power?
    Have you listened to the pounding of the thousand(this sounds a bit better now that that is taken out) hearts?
    As eyes glimpse upon the page before their owners, all your wonders"."
    When each word becomes a colour and infects anotherís soul","
    "a"nd a millionth breath of silence entwines an ache that canít be hidden"."
    When each image that you lay upon the page becomes a portrait","
    "o"f each every persons love or of themselves"."
    When each dripping of your pen upon the paper bleeds a little","
    "w"hen each of us devours a small piece of yourself"."

    what i noticed is that you dont keep a consistency with your stanza's you might want to try and do that with your next poem or so.

    Beautiful...that was simply amazing. Its a bit cluttered and you may have gone off topic but really i love it. If you can also send me a PM about what inspired this for you. The feeling is.....just wow. Im really finding that i like your writting style.

    "Could I embrace you?
    As your words embrace my mind"."
    Whispering the melody of your own beliefs","
    "e"ncouraging my song itself to be heard"."
    Opening up the doors of an enclosed thought","

    "m"ay I thank you?"

    okies as to what you wrote before the ending is a bit weak but as i assume you wrote this for someone so i understand that the message you left for them is clearly understood by them. This is a bitter sweet poem in its own way and i bow to the grace you instilled into this master piece. Wounderful work.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*

    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the way you express your admiration in this poem. i like it when i can understand what a poem is about, and i understand this one. at least i think i do. anyway, great work as always :D
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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