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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Waking to the Sundots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1003
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 768



    Description:
       well i was soooooooooo sleepy when i wrote this poem that i decided to write a poem about the familiar feeling of having to wake up when u desperatley want to go on sleeping


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    dotsWaking to the Sundots
    -------------------------------------------


    Weary arms reach to embrace the early morning light

    but rising sun cannot surplace the sweet slumber of the night

    echoes of sweet reverie haunt me through the day

    whispers of dreams yet to come in the glaring heat of may

    thirsting for that distant world i crave that sweet surrender

    but raging rays mock my plight and tear the night asunder

    i wander through the arid waste seeking a moments rest

    a place to hide my world of dreams and lay burdens of my chest

    and yet the stars finally appear the heralds of the night

    and i shall sleep yet again until the morning light











    Submitted on 2006-05-23 12:12:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Short and nice. It was a comforting read. Simple and straight forward. Me liked it.

    I love to sleep. I wonder who doesn't but then again I know loads of those who don't. So there we go, I answered my own question.

    Now back to the poem. I like the cycle of the day. Even though I think introduction of a few commas here and there might emphasize certain things. Hence making the piece more powerful. Since, right now that there is this flow which somewhat throws the reader off balance. Of course that is okay if one is reading it as to how I read it. The fact still remains that a reader who is a little "sleepy" will get thrown off ;) ...

    Anyways, good write.

    peace,
    | Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by forestspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      nice descriptions, it was clear that u were trying to sleep and wanted to sleep but couldnt lol. I hate that feeling. Im an insomniac, so i couldnt relate all that much to this poem, but i loved the perspective from which u wrote it. the words u used were somewhat, forced? at times, but overall i enjoyed it very much.
    one question... what does "surplace" mean? did u mean surpass? wasnt sure,... thought i would ask. lol, good write
    Evey @>->-
    | Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by CutMeDeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this! I think you pretty much stated how we all feel when we want to just ignore the glare of the sun. lol. Wonderful wording and imagery. Nice flow. I have one suggestion though, in line eight:

    You say:
    a place to hide my world of dreams and lay burdens of my chest.

    That line did not seem to sound right as I read it to me. Here is my idea:

    a place to hide my world of dreams and dispose of the burdens on my chest.

    You don't have to listen to me, for this is just a suggestion. This would still be good either way. You did a great job Jared.

    Catrina

    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure what to say. I love the mood and rhyme to this poem. Your word choice was perfect (as far as the imperfect being can). Just a wonderful piece. It forces the reader to look at a common instance, and see it in a new darkness. Very poetic.
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Donne Rogue | [ Reply to This ]
      It is proabaly just me, but I found thius rather hard to follow, could just be that I am distracted. Let see, What this says to me is that you yearn to embrace the day, yet, also for the night, which holds your secrets. That being said, good imagry and word usage.

    "but raging rays mock my plight and tear the night asunder"

    I love the word "asunder" It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

    Despite my distractions, a good work. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]


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