Short and nice. It was a comforting read. Simple and straight forward. Me liked it.
I love to sleep. I wonder who doesn't but then again I know loads of those who don't. So there we go, I answered my own question.
Now back to the poem. I like the cycle of the day. Even though I think introduction of a few commas here and there might emphasize certain things. Hence making the piece more powerful. Since, right now that there is this flow which somewhat throws the reader off balance. Of course that is okay if one is reading it as to how I read it. The fact still remains that a reader who is a little "sleepy" will get thrown off ;) ...
nice descriptions, it was clear that u were trying to sleep and wanted to sleep but couldnt lol. I hate that feeling. Im an insomniac, so i couldnt relate all that much to this poem, but i loved the perspective from which u wrote it. the words u used were somewhat, forced? at times, but overall i enjoyed it very much. one question... what does "surplace" mean? did u mean surpass? wasnt sure,... thought i would ask. lol, good write Evey @>->-
I loved this! I think you pretty much stated how we all feel when we want to just ignore the glare of the sun. lol. Wonderful wording and imagery. Nice flow. I have one suggestion though, in line eight:
You say: a place to hide my world of dreams and lay burdens of my chest.
That line did not seem to sound right as I read it to me. Here is my idea:
a place to hide my world of dreams and dispose of the burdens on my chest.
You don't have to listen to me, for this is just a suggestion. This would still be good either way. You did a great job Jared.
I'm not sure what to say. I love the mood and rhyme to this poem. Your word choice was perfect (as far as the imperfect being can). Just a wonderful piece. It forces the reader to look at a common instance, and see it in a new darkness. Very poetic.
It is proabaly just me, but I found thius rather hard to follow, could just be that I am distracted. Let see, What this says to me is that you yearn to embrace the day, yet, also for the night, which holds your secrets. That being said, good imagry and word usage.
"but raging rays mock my plight and tear the night asunder"
I love the word "asunder" It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.