Hopes and dreams

Author: Tom110989 Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 35 /56 /21 Words: 52

Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Longing Total Views: 1180 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 343

Description:

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Hopes and dreams

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Hopes and dreams My hopes and dreams Created by you Do miracles happen ? You told me they do And I wanna believe you Seeing is believing But before seeing Comes dreaming Is what you said But dreaming Always ends With so close Yet so far …

Submitted on 2006-05-23 12:19:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

This is an interesting poem. It expresses some deep emotions and thought. I think the first four lines are the best of the poem. If you consider editing this one I would suggest to keep the rhyme and flow consistent with the first four lines. It starts out very strong but then the thought kinda scatters and it loses its effect. I like the idea of dreaming and "close but yet so far" so to speak and I think if you worked this into the poem keeping the rhyme consistent this could be quite good. If you edit, let me know, I would be happy to check it out again. Take care. Lorna

| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

interesting... i like the general feeling of this one, however i feel it could read a bit smoother and flow a little better if it weren't as broken. it seems like the thoughts want to coalesce into a whole piece but they are so scattered as to detract from the general flow of the piece. nonetheless it is still a good piece and thank you for sharing. Meow!!!

| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by lynxstarfire | [ Reply to This ]

Sasha's first suggestion seems correct to me, but I like the way you have written the last line more than her suggestion. This had a lot of twists and a complicated message, which kept it different from other poems. You managed to say a lot with the use of such few words. This was really thought-provoking. In fact, I don't remember when I have thought this much. lol. Abbas

| Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]

TOM- I think that this has good sentiment but needs some puncuation. Unless, of course, you were going for the broken-run-together feel, in which case my suggesions would be totally useless but i'm going to assume that you want puncuation and give you my suggesions: My hopes and dreams Are created by you Do miracles happen ? You told me they do, And I wanna believe you 'Seeing is believing, But before seeing Comes dreaming' You said, But dreaming Always ends With so close But yet so far … The bolded bits are just some extra suggesions I had. The peice is fine without them if you don't like them. Other than that, I personally would like to see more of this. What is it that this person does to create you hopes and dreams. What more do they mean to you. Pehaps a little elaboration would add to this. Just my thoughts...Nice job overall, Thanks for sharing, SASHA LYNN

| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest. 2. Try not to give only compliments. 3. How did it make you feel? 4. Why did it make you feel that way? 5. Which parts? 6. What distracted from the piece?

7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

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