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Hopes and dreams

Author: Tom110989
Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 35 /56 /21
Words: 52
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Longing
Total Views: 1180
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 343


Written after a bad day, after I talked with a friend of mine, who really cheered me up.

Hopes and dreams

Hopes and dreams

My hopes and dreams
Created by you
Do miracles happen ?
You told me they do
And I wanna believe you
Seeing is believing
But before seeing
Comes dreaming
Is what you said
But dreaming
Always ends
With so close
Yet so far …

Submitted on 2006-05-23 12:19:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is an interesting poem. It expresses some deep emotions and thought. I think the first four lines are the best of the poem. If you consider editing this one I would suggest to keep the rhyme and flow consistent with the first four lines. It starts out very strong but then the thought kinda scatters and it loses its effect. I like the idea of dreaming and "close but yet so far" so to speak and I think if you worked this into the poem keeping the rhyme consistent this could be quite good. If you edit, let me know, I would be happy to check it out again. Take care.

| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  interesting... i like the general feeling of this one, however i feel it could read a bit smoother and flow a little better if it weren't as broken. it seems like the thoughts want to coalesce into a whole piece but they are so scattered as to detract from the general flow of the piece. nonetheless it is still a good piece and thank you for sharing.

| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by lynxstarfire | [ Reply to This ]
  Sasha's first suggestion seems correct to me, but I like the way you have written the last line more than her suggestion. This had a lot of twists and a complicated message, which kept it different from other poems. You managed to say a lot with the use of such few words. This was really thought-provoking. In fact, I don't remember when I have thought this much. lol.

| Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
I think that this has good sentiment but needs some puncuation. Unless, of course, you were going for the broken-run-together feel, in which case my suggesions would be totally useless but i'm going to assume that you want puncuation and give you my suggesions:

My hopes and dreams
Are created by you
Do miracles happen ?
You told me they do,
And I wanna believe you
'Seeing is believing,
But before seeing
Comes dreaming'
You said,
But dreaming
Always ends
With so close
But yet so far …

The bolded bits are just some extra suggesions I had. The peice is fine without them if you don't like them. Other than that, I personally would like to see more of this. What is it that this person does to create you hopes and dreams. What more do they mean to you. Pehaps a little elaboration would add to this.

Just my thoughts...Nice job overall,

Thanks for sharing,
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

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