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    dots Submission Name: One in Alldots

    Author: Lelik
    ASL Info:    40/M/Jhb - South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 1194/986/192
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1126
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 557

       It is.

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    dotsOne in Alldots

    Would you truly risk it all
    for a single breath taken
    in the presence of one or…
    to awaken, would you fall
    at the mercy of The One,
    in the arms of sweet love –
    would you miss the call
    that would take from harm’s
    way – to hear the whisper
    of a friend, and he forestall
    that fatefull day if he knew
    how you just could not stay,
    standing in the shiny halls,
    unless you could embrace one
    like you unlike in face and
    likened unto you in risking all?

    Submitted on 2006-05-23 12:45:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Not much here to nit. Good job with meter and rhyme, nice flow and I like the message, it's not too preachy about its subject. Only one minor change I might make (it's up to you), changing 'in the arms of sweet love' to 'inTO the arms of sweet love.' But that's your choice. Nice work here.


    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Aye, I am affraid that no one these days wants to risk anything. We've all turned into a generation of whiners who want everything given to us. People gamble in the stock market and whine when it goes down. People go too far into debt and complain when they can no longer afford essentials. And people continue to gamble. Perhaps with eternity. But they aren't willing to accept the risks. Pretty piss poor gamblers. No ideas for improvement of your piece. Sorry if you wanted something more concrete.
    | Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes... I would.

    At least... I think I would. For the sake of condescending a not-really-drunk drunkeness. Yes... yes... yes...

    But what are words compared to hands that actually meet before the reality of time passing like a machine... or the "yes" in the eyes and the touch and the breath that would crumble should truth disappear from the face of this earth.

    What are words?

    I guess... all we can really do is place ourselves in that moment of choice... and see.

    La vida es hermosa

    Oh yes... I am rusty as hell.

    What I like about your style is that it turns freeways into roller coasters. It's like saying this is life... this is the madness within... mixed with the humble face outside... this is what I choose to give you.

    Now... take it or leave it.

    Your literary vision has always impressed me Daryl.
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      ...if you can make one heap of all your winnings
    and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss...
    written and reading like a hymn or psalm or somesuch.
    no it is a catechism - in which there are more questions than answers if you choose to count them and i like the way the whole thing would be a string, a rosary of sorts if you had not cut it into bite sized pieces and placed the words in the lines you chose for them...
    and despite the benign words and the absence of abrasion, there is some tension isn't there?
    there always is in my view when you don't get what you're looking for. or the rhyme is at the start of the line instead of the end.
    carefully constructed confusion with two Ls in fateful so this is not for confusing others; it is just a statement of account...
    take it easy buddy,
    | Posted on 2006-06-17 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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