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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: beautiful gone wrongdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Someones Epiphany
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454/2106/161
    Words: 397
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1487
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 3434



    Description:
       this is 4 separate pieces i wrote at 4am this morning by the light of my MP3 player in my doomroom in Prague...
    this morning as i read them they begged to go together somehow... i dont know if i have achieved this but i would really achieve real feedback on this piece... both as a whole and as individual parts which i have marked out...
    thanx heaps for taking the time to read this...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbeautiful gone wrongdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i

    and there she was,
    good news wearing a foul dress,
    life is so beautiful
    death has fallen in love with her

    remnants of makeup gone wrong
    beating rainbows to death;
    slowly unbending smiles
    the emptiness of time
    tends to make itself felt

    death touches ressurection
    only to realise
    life is beautiful... gone wrong...

    conversation dies unsaid
    horror is only vocal in movies...

    sigh...
    the world is imbalanced...


    ii

    i dont like being given hearts
    i havent shown any interest in having
    really... the art of flirting
    is quite wasted on me...

    are you not yet tired
    of this senseless self sacrifice?

    the life of an aardvark is rarely exalted
    so wear your crown of thorns in silence
    oh... and try not to bleed all over the place

    its true
    i dont like being given hearts
    i havent shown any interest in having
    they really are quite wasted on me
    but i am somewhat sorry
    that the thorns of unrequited love
    pierce you so deeply...

    half of it is vulnerable...


    iii

    i merely kept it out of habit
    something to hide behind
    i never meant to hold onto it for so long
    but such things are so seductive
    everyone needs something to cling to right?
    darkness disguised as light
    thejustificationsandexcusesofbrokeness...
    the justifications and excuses of brokeness...

    my half...


    iv

    i sound so lost
    and maybe i am
    but if you know
    that im lost
    am i found...?

    i found
    something
    like a heart


    its always the next stop
    always the last dance

    i could write a book...
    a book about a life
    id like to have lived


    noting the depletion
    of silver linings
    only believing in what i see

    but then...
    what do i see in the dark...?


    i sound so lost
    and maybe i am
    but if you know that

    the world is imbalanced
    half of it is vulnerable
    my half...


    can i be found?




    Submitted on 2006-05-24 07:40:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey,
    Just got up and needed a Jaydee "Fix", yeah I'm hooked already.
    So I picked this "Beautiful Gone Wrong" probably because of the title. I dont have time to write a long review, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

    By the way, how did your lunch with your father go? I am having lunch with my daughter Jenne on Friday, thanks to my friend Jaydee.

    Thanks for the update on 'Some summer fling"

    "Beautiful gone Wrong?" If the title was "Ugly gone right or wrong." would anyone have read it?

    A book about a life I'd liked to have lived... Oh you mean a novel.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, this is angst, but different... original. Or maybe I'm just out of touch and needing a touch, even the cold touch of a cadaver. I am sure you'll revise and so on, but I found first that the four pieces went together quite well, like the biltong (jerky), joghurt, raw carrots, pink grapefruit and greek baklava I had for lunch. An unlikely feast. No really, I enjoyed the whole thing and all of that for lunch. Decadent, I know... LOL. And second, I am missing you and a whole lot of other people I either know fleetingly or not at all. THe only thing they have in common being that I deserve none of their time. Be good.
    Daryl
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      i went through a period feeling lost. well i've gone through several of those periods. i think knowing you're lost helps. part of being "lost" like emotionally or spiritually is the distortion it creates on one's perception. not knowing makes that reality, it makes it impossible to rationalize. it's like not being able to take a step back and see what's really going on in life because you're already so out that you can't make out which way to go.

    i think theirs a diffrence between being lost and not being where you want to be.

    but then again it's not like it's the same for everyone so who knows. what's being lost, what's being found....it's all very blurry.

    these do go together very awkwardly, but it works. i mean it's awkward in a way that looks intentional...well i hate saying intentional...naturally. it's like being lost....theirs something almost missing inetween the thoughts, fragmented in a way and the confusion and questioning of the piece works.

    life is beautiful gone wrong.
    i agree with you on that.

    not my favorite from you, but still far better than most. i really think you should try and get published. for some reason this title sums up the feel of most of your writes. or the ones that tend to grab hold. it gets an A in my book, not quite the plus, but still an A
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so profound! I think it fits together perfectly, awkwardly, just the way it's meant to.

    First off, I have to say I disagree with Dave, I don't think you should change the line "I don't like being give hearts" to "I don't like receiving hearts"?, 'receiving' sounds like you accept them, take them, want them while 'being given' sounds like they were thrust upon you, unwillingly. It also ties in better with the msg - unrequited love.

    "and there she was,
    good news wearing a foul dress,
    life is so beautiful
    death has fallen in love with her

    remnants of makeup gone wrong
    beating rainbows to death;
    slowly unbending smiles
    the emptiness of time
    tends to make itself felt

    death touches ressurection
    only to realise
    life is beautiful... gone wrong...

    conversation dies unsaid
    horror is only vocal in movies...

    sigh..."


    My interpretation of the first part is that the person isn't literally dead, emotionally, yes, physically, no. She's seems to be depressed, quite badly, actually. A picture of a girl, mascara-streaked face, wearing a dress and looking at herself in a mirror, comes to mind. Like she's standing thinking to herself that she's ugly/useless/not worth it. She feels dead inside and no one can see it.

    The second part follows quite nicely. She has an admirer, but she's not interested in him. The poor guy just doesn't get it, he's stubborn like an aardvark (I love that comparrison), he won't let up, so her notion is that if he is That stubborn, he'll have to bare the brunt of
    continual rejection.

    "are you not yet tired
    of this senseless self sacrifice?

    the life of an aardvark is rarely exalted
    so wear your crown of thorns in silence
    oh... and try not to bleed all over the place"

    I love the last line of this, its kinda like saying that if you want to put yourself through this pain, don't complain to me when you realise how much it hurts. I also think the fomality an informality in the last line are appropriate. It makes me think that the girl, in the boys opinion and in her own, is better than the guy, when actually, she isn't. I dunno, just a thought.

    The third part of your poem, kinda hits home for me. The girl seems to expose herself, she doesn't feel the same toward the guy but she inadvertantly leads him on, because she's vulnerable, she need to feel needed... *sigh*

    The fourth part brings everything together nicely, it's the girl, trying to make sense of her feelings, life, experiences. I love it!

    I hope you don't mind, this is just my interpretation of your poem, I really enjoyed it. It was original like all your poems. if you have time can you pls let me know what you really meant by it, you interpretation. that'd be much appreciated.

    Take care
    *dani
    | Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by firefoxvixen | [ Reply to This ]
      Bravo on your part! This was well written. I think you did a wonderful part in expressing Beauty gone wrong in not just physical features, but both conscious and subconscious thoughts. I like the first part, well l like it all, but the first was my favorite:

    "and there she was,
    good news wearing a foul dress,
    life is so beautiful
    death has fallen in love with her

    remnants of makeup gone wrong
    beating rainbows to death;
    slowly unbending smiles
    the emptiness of time
    tends to make itself felt"

    This makes me think of death and how people, before their burial, or plastered with makeup to resemble what they were when alive, but in the end beauty has gone wrong because you can't make beautiful death with make up. Another thing I think about when I read these parts is about how death has stolen Earthly beauty, something that he wasn't supposed to take but did because just like a living person, he has fallen in love with that particualar beauty as well. Beauty gone wrong becuase death has stolen it.

    Part two was excellent as well:
    "dont like being given hearts
    i havent shown any interest in having
    really... the art of flirting
    is quite wasted on me...

    are you not yet tired
    of this senseless self sacrifice?"

    Far from physical features, youve managed to change the voice to a singular person, to just one thought of mind. On really love the part about flirting being wasted on a person who's not that all into hearts, perhaps becuase he/she may feel ugly or becasue something he/she experienced has triggered that secluded, unattached side of him/her. But then again, "are you not yet tired of this senseles self sacrifice?" That was really good. Perhaps the person could feel that he/she shouldn't have to give hiself/herself up just to be flirted with, just to flirt, or just to have hearts.

    "merely kept it out of habit
    something to hide behind
    i never meant to hold onto it for so long
    but such things are so seductive
    everyone needs something to cling to right?
    darkness disguised as light
    thejustificationsandexcusesofbrokeness...
    the justifications and excuses of brokeness..."

    This was really good. Beauty gone wrong from, to me, addiction, desire to have what one has never had before and is afraid of losing. Beauty gone wrong because they have misused the meaning of beauty to fix thier darkness within. This was a really great part. I loved how you cramped all the words togeather of thee last line then repeated it more clearly. To me, that emphasizes beauty gone wrong, because now the voice is trying to justify thier wrongdoings, fast and inaudible at first, then to make themselveself seem like they know what they're doing, they justify it a little slower.

    I felt I've rambled too long, but i throughly enjoyed this peice, the structure was grand, the conclusion brilliant and the overall compostion was a brainer to devise.
    Good job
    -stacy M.-

    | Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, why not just keep living and eventually write a book about the life you did live?

    OK, this starts out a bit rocky for me because you keep repeating death. Not that mention, that isn't it, it's the repeating of the word three times so quickly. Could you use another word? Mortality perhaps, in one of them. I think you keep it in the line "beating rainbows to death"
    and try to substitute something else for at least one of the others, or both.

    "I don't like being give hearts" sounds a bit awkward. Could you say "I don't like receiving hearts"?

    The next line, "I haven't shown any interesting in having" perhaps standing alone, or carried on to the next line "really", that seems like an incomplete thought, a sentence fragment.
    Considering your writing at night in your dorm room, perhaps that is a typo?

    At this point the tone of the poem is pretty formal (are you not yet tired) so in this strophe:

    "the life of an aardvark is rarely exalted
    so wear your crown of thorns in silence
    oh... and try not to bleed all over the place"

    I'd ditch the last line as too informal.

    I'd also fix the "being given" thing again, and from there on, I really love it. I love the format and the ideas and the diction.

    And I love people like you who take the short end of the straw and keep on marching.

    Have fun over there,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      so wear your crown of thorns in silence
    oh... and try not to bleed all over the place


    Those lines right there jumped off the page at me. I can't...I don't know. I sense the sarcasm in them. The haughtiness almost. I can almost see you flipping your hair and giving a little smirk while you say them. Heh.

    Beautiful. Just like your soul.

    BCute
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jaydee,

    I wrote something called "simple beauty gone" Something to do with nature and since the title looked similar thought i'd have a look at it....

    Beauty goes in many directions...It can be appreciated as well as despised...I loved your second stanza especially because it was so lyrical and made me feel as though your words were almost singing its tune for me...

    Just a suggestion but i think it would be better if you capitalized your "i''s... It looks proper and sophisticated showing the readers that you have taken proper time on this piece and also showing the characteristics of this piece...By saying "i" in small makes me think also small of what you mean of yourself...

    Other than that...being found in this world is important...Being lost is as though you don't exist because you don't know what you are and who you are and what you're suppose to do...

    Loved this piece very much....Something i can think about for a really long time...
    Other than that....do take care....hope to see you soon....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      The first stanza is my favorite; I think it has a lot of fresh images in it. I love "good news wearing a foul dress," "remnants of makeup gone wrong," and "slowly unbending smiles." I think you could do something with "conversation dies unsaid": perhaps you could say something like "conversations lies undead" or something. I'm just being weird, I suppose.

    The second is quite witty too. "Senseless self sacrifice" is nicely alliterative, and I like:

    the life of an aardvark is rarely exalted
    so wear your crown of thorns in silence
    oh... and try not to bleed all over the place

    Overall, I think you use too many ellipses. I also think you could get rid of a few words here and there, but I'll let you be the judge of that. You misspelled resurrection", that's minor. I like your typographical quirks. If you keep these together, I like the shift in perspective from the first to succeeding stanzas.

    Hugs and love,
    Amy



    | Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      life is so beautiful
    death has fallen in love with her


    if this poem was a movie the first part would be a slow zoom from a screen consuming white bright lightbulb down towards the girl lying latenight vulnerable shivering, loud breathing and eyes open too wide mascara black and sleepless crying red.

    it reminds me of the donnie darko quote
    "Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood"

    and then the change in font as she begins her monologue and it's that early morning spilling heart vagueness where facts and names aren't there but overwhelmed by the need of getting across the emotion.

    "oh... and try not to bleed all over the place"

    there's a wisp of tragedy floating through and she's a mixture of cold and apolegtic about it and seems too caught up in her whirling emotions that you can't help but feel sorry for her.

    and then there's doubt and questions and lines trailing off... (nice technique) as if she's fluttery and like a moth and almost like blanche dubois the more i think about it.

    i've rambled, but basically i find this poem and character really interesting - and if i wasn't (thankfully) sparodically self-aware i would probably still be going on and on and on...

    so thanks for sharing.

    Adam.
    | Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      So of your last three writes this is by far my favorite. The other two, i am sure you needed to write and so good for you for doing it, but to me at least this is the most poetic. I could read an anonymous poem and know it was yours. You have that distinct of a style. I think that is brilliant. Deffinitly not something true of myself. I havnt found that yet. You have. cheers.

    Wow. there is so much to dygest here, I think I may be full before I can even attempt it. I will give a small attempt here so do some small justice to this write (though it deserves much more)

    As to the form. I dont like the form on the fourth part. I found it a bit jaring and to much of a change of pace from the previous parts. The subject matter is very different of course and that is a little jaring, which may be the intended affect, however I find the form too jaring. Having said that, it is my only critisism.

    The rest of the form I loved indelliably.

    Good news in a foul dress, death in love with beautiful life, Life is beautiful gone wrong all ideas from the first part. All SO TRUE!!!

    From genesis we know God saw creation and said that it was good. Certainly it was and certainly life was and is meant to be good and beautiful. We know that it was intended to be. But then we look around this world going amuck and wonder how it could ever have been viewed as good in a world looking like ours does. Then of course we'll see the sunsett over the ocean in all its brilliant colors and we will believe again for a while. Yes Yes Yes J you are so right the world is imballenced. Scales cannot measure such imballence. Well this first stanza was amazing. Truly great writting. it could have stood alone for me.

    At the end. If you are lost and someone is looking for me. You are not found but you are saught after. I liked you ending with a question. Can I be found?

    Ok anyways my logical faculties are quickly leaving me. It late here. I think you are an hour ahead of me where you are now. So its an hour later for you. but we are a lot closer now than before, huh. when it was my night in your day and my day in your night. Anyways weird thought. Talk to you soon kid.
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not going to go too in depth here since everyone already has. I just want to say that I LOVE how you are only "somewhat sorry" about those thorns. nice. the boys that like me like me big time, and it's not my fault I don't like back! so I, too, am only "somewhat sorry" when they bleed all over my couch.

    Also this:

    "noting the depletion
    of silver linings
    only believing in what i see

    but then...
    what do i see in the dark...?

    I love this, too. You don't see that silver lining anymore so it isn't really there. . . and now that the silver lining is gone, here's this dark figure filling that void. you don't really see it but you believe it... or at least I feel it like that.

    good day
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-14 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      "...she called out a warning... don't ever let life pass you by..."

    ok. first things first.

    "good news wearing a foul dress"

    oh hell yeah. the personification of good news with bad trappings... and the following lines bring to mind something about how good things always have something bad attatched to them... in multiple ways. and knowing this, or this itself, causes so much to be lost before it has a chance to be found.

    i have to say i don't get the life of the aardvark bit... it just doesn't appeal to me.. though i understand what you're saying.

    however, you lost me in the third part. you cling to brokenness- this much i understand (or think i do)- and the progression of thought about it... reminds me of something- a secret "martyrdom"... or at least, something to cuddle up with.

    the last one is interesting... if you know i am lost, am i/can i be found?

    i like the way you tie them all together... i think the title goes more with the first part but it fits together rather well as a whole. the diferent styles that each piece has seperate them as much as their topics and such.... i don't know the right words for what i'm trying to say... funny right? that's the task at hand- to find the right words. but oh well. i can't seem to do taht tonight. maybe some other time. i liked it- i hate the sadness in it, and i wish that each of these pieces could be more part of the whole and less of the seperate wounds they seem to be.... if onloy because when i conglomerate my sorrows, i find them more mnagable...at least they're all pointing in the same direction.
    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      as i was reading, i kinda fell like i was the subject considering i have been in the position of the person u were addressing. ths comes off as so sad..... the very first stanza was... good news wearing a foul dress ( my dear you have a potent way with words) i cannot fail to understand that one... then you go on -

    life is so beautiful
    death has fallen in love with her-

    God! that is so poetic. other than that, i feel it comes from deeper?....

    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]
      I've been reading this for what, about 2-3 days now? I didn't like the first part at first, until I figured out that it hit too close to home and that was the reason. Good news in a foul dress... Death has fallen in love with her, has already wrapped her in its scent... The "makeup" part reminds me of the morning-after, finding what's left of yourself in a pocket mirror on a long bus ride home, repairing damage by making jarred attempts to patch the colors, tiredness making that painted smile unbend into a thin straight line... damn. Damn your writing! It's too haunting.

    The second part? My favorite of all. The sections make it like stages of mental development, almost. The second part is the jadedness that settles in...

    "i dont like being given hearts
    i havent shown any interest in having
    really... the art of flirting
    is quite wasted on me..."

    As in, there has been too much b.s., too many "Hello, my name is..." and too many of the same stories, the same dates with different faces, and it's to the point of, "Just state your business and stop wasting my time with your valentines and attempts at the charade of that "prom night" mentality... I'm tired, I'm not playing games, I didn't seek you out, wtf do you want from me? Oh, is that too blunt? Get over it!" It's a fantastic section. I love this section. It's the section where your feet are planted, and you've at least got enough bitterness and rage to stand straight again, even if that is all that is holding you up.

    Section 3 is the lingering... you've let go, but not really... Don't want to comment much on this part, because... well, again, it's too close to home.

    And section 4, is after that rage leaves and the sadness just leaves you spinning in the abyss.... I'm lost. I know what I SHOULD feel, and how I SHOULD have hope, but I don't even know this person in my mirror anymore... where the hell am I? Is she really me? What happened? How do I get back? Will I ever be found? I don't know what comes after this part... I'm still a bit in this part myself, wishing I still had some of the shreds of confidence of section 2...

    Ok, I am going to have to fave this one now, because it has gone under the skin like ink and is staying with me. What a beautiful mark it is.
    | Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]


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