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Broken


Author: owlman23
ASL Info:    29/m/al
Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 71 /75 /28
Words: 110
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1252
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 767



Description:


Just having some troubles and needed to vent.


Broken



Broken is my mind today,
My shattered thoughts sent reeling.
Sliding through an emptiness
That takes away all feeling.

I cannot focus on the world
The way that I once could.
Nothing works out any way
So it's probably for the good.

Burdens, they still plague my life.
From them I can't escape.
Not even the loss of one's mind
Takes the debt away.

Increasingly I find myself
In a melancholy mood.
Nothing matters anymore
Yet I find that I still brood.

Glimmers of hope cross what’s left
Of the pieces of my mind.
Offering something that might help.
Something I’ll never find.




Submitted on 2006-05-24 12:55:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like it. I can relate completely to feelings like this. I have days, hell, months, spent in a similiar fugue. You describe it well.

Fantastic job.
| Posted on 2006-10-11 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, that's pretty pessimistic but I think most of us have been there at one stage or another. I've started taking a more "F@#k it" attitude to the whole debt thing, what's an overdraft for anyway if not living in?

I particularly liked:

Nothing matters anymore
Yet I find that I still brood.

has a really good ring to it and captures the feeling in this perfectly.
I get a sort of sardonic sound to it in my mind whilst reading it and it works really well.

type-o for you:
Remove an I from second stanza line 2

Critique:
The third stanza suffers from the repitition of 'one's' you could maybe live with changing the latter for 'the'

also the rhyme stutters in the third stanza again, it's not a major thing as it is loose rhyme but in contrast it stands out.

Cheers
V
| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  What is it that you will never find? Is it hope because if it is then I know the feeling. Sometimes I feel that hope will never come. Sometimes "glimmers of hope cross what's left of the pieces of my mind" but they don't help. My mirror is broken and nothing reflects back. Basically saying I do not give and I do not receive. I do not live. I loved this poem because it reflected everything that I feel at this moment.
It is always raining, always cloudy and always windy. The sun comes out no day. I don't know right now I have a lot going on. This feels more like me complaining then me actually commenting on the poem. I will let you go until I can get a clear mindeset so that I can truly comment on the poem. Until then, good bye. Thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]


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