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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Settlingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 401
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 1532
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2231



    Description:
       Warning: sex (like you expected anything else)...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSettlingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You say you won't share me. Not that Iíve asked. Not that I would know what to do if you said you would. What you donít know is that you already areÖ

    You see that woman there? The Latina in the low red shoes and too-tight jeans? The one eating her hair and tapping her foot and looking-not looking-looking not seeing at the two of us? Iím fucking her. And sheís tangling those flushed fingers in my hair, bitten nails scraping through the strands, eyes still everywhere but my face. Her fingers are in my mouth now-- how can you not see this?

    My hands are peeling away that knock-off designer blouse, teeth sharp against hard nipples, hands once again tight in my hair-- Iím fucking her, see? My mouth is hot against the curve of her hip, my hands running over the swell of her small, pert breasts, the sensitive flesh in the bend of her arm.

    Look, sheís arching up now, my impatient hands tugging away the sweat-soaked denim of her jeans, cupping her ass for a moment before dragging ruined scraps of lace down warm, dusky thighs. Watch me. Watch me bury my desperate, expectant face between those eager thighs. Watch her whimper and tremble and quake for me. Iím fucking her. Iím--

    ďBabe, the pictures are ready. Letís go.Ē You take me by the hand like a child and pull me towards the door. And hair-girl looks but doesnít look and looks but doesnít see and you donít even think about looking because you wouldnít see anyway.

    And your hand is on the doorknob and my hand is in your hand and, arching, I stretch my fingers at hair-girl, connecting her to this human daisy-chain by sheer will. Then weíre outside and the sun glares against the glass and halos hair-girl and itís noon and your shadow swallows our feet, sinks into my toes and crawls up my spine in shivers.

    My hair falls in my eyes and you turn just in time to catch my chin in your hand, your long fingers deftly tucking the rogue strand behind an ear. And I forget about hair-girl, forget about your eyes on your own fingers instead of meeting mine, our bodies connected only by wisps of something long dead.

    In that moment, youíre enough.




    Submitted on 2006-05-25 21:11:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      if there was ever the perfect combination of things i adore.

    the sex factor was done quite well. i'm 20 but just as horny when i was 19...so as far as that aspect goes it was quite a success, something straight out of a story in my head on a dateless friday. but i think we both know this is just an excuse for you to try and turn me on. one day i will get a sex change, and we will be married. oh man i could get boobs too, nvm, i'll just marry myself.

    i love the.frantically poetic feel to this. i think the over use of and was brilliantly used and helped hype up for the end, if you get what i mean.

    to me this kind of sounds like a collaboration of events in thoughts, like inside a mind. what's kind of cool is the way it's written it can be taken, that i see, 2 ways.

    she's really [censored] hair girl

    or the whole time she's fantasizing about.

    i could see it working out either way.

    this could almost tie into the deconstructing mrs bovary pieces. it has that same stinging tone. dripping with interlocking emotions. still can't find those right words to describe the tone.

    an amazing piece. very honest and believable, yet still insanely creative and poetic.

    thanks for the fav.
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      DQ-

    Well, that's fresh and original, but still vare vare DQ. Which, by the way, is a good thing. I loved the "looking-not looking-looking not seeing" bit and the way you tied it in again at the end. You have a knack for endings. It's strangely poetic, the way you capture the sort of sexual tension at the end of a deteriorating relationship...And in terms of nitpicking, it seems a tad sloppy to begin two sentences in a row with 'and.' Other than that, great write. I'm faving this. Probably not the most helpful comment...

    later days,
    mel
    | Posted on 2006-05-27 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      wow.......*ahem* what to say... what to say... i'm at a loss for words. all girls know their men are not just theirs... we're always sharing you with other women that we know you're thinking about, but dammit, we dont wanna hear it.. lol. when i was reading this, i was like "damn... does he have to conferm our theories?!?!. but then at the very end.....you shocked me a bit... because after all those explicit paragraphs, of the woman you were day dreaming of screwing..... you said that the woman you're with, who is sharing you with a fantasy......was enough. but... question? for how long with she be enough? how will she be sharing you with fantasies... before you act on them? or will she always be enough?

    this really was a great write, you said something that all men do (and women or that matter) but never admit to doing so... atleast not to their partner.

    -Poetic
    | Posted on 2006-05-26 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeezus.







    *Blushes*







    You should write for one of those naughty mags-- you know, where they say that they're written by members... but in actual fact I think they're written by professional porno writers lol. Not that I would know. I've only looked at those dirty mags once.


    Ok, Miss... a few things. First line-- "won't" with an apostrophe. Fifth paragraph-- "me hand"? Don't you mean "my hand"? The way you have it doesn't fit the style of this at all-- it's very... colloquial... which doesn't suit here.

    Sixth paragraph-- I think there's too many "and's" laced in here. I think you could take a few out, don't you? The comma here-- "in your hand and, arching," should be after "hand" I think. Something about that's not quite right.

    Ok, the nitpicking's over (you just knew I had to lol). As for what I think, it's very D.Q.-- what else can I say? Lol. Your first four paragraphs are like "my god, this woman is a freakin' nympho" lol, and then the snap back to reality with your partner talking to you about the photos being done is nicely played, and a surprise to boot.

    I'm sure we've all fantasized about another person while with our partner at the time, which is quite cheeky, but hey, thoughts can't be helped. So in that aspect, it's very real-- unless you're a saint... which I'm not... and you... you most certainly aren't lol.

    I'm blabbing yet again. Suffice to say I found it enjoyable... and it's definitely different to 99.9% of the posts here on ES, that's for sure lol.

    Peace (and hot ladies),

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my god! You know as i read this...the pace of my reading quickened. That is perhaps the best compliment i can pay to you.

    This is a piece that lures the reader in from the very first moment...then tosses them about...twirls them around....and lands them not-so-gingerly on that heavy-weight last line.

    Unrequited passion/desire....yet the need to stiate such appetites anyway?

    (i wouldn't know anything about that)

    *wink*

    I love that the language is active...a veritable jam sandwich of "to do's"...verbs...living language. I also love that it is more sensual than sexual...

    ....and that a kiss on the hip....can be 'fuc.king'...that's my version too

    Fine peice of writing m'lady.
    later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      You give me courage.

    That's not a critique, that's a Thank-You.

    We'll mess with perfection when we need to upheave "something."

    Not today, leave this one alone.


    Natasha
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by neverland gypsy | [ Reply to This ]
      Everyone has left ultra long comments... I have nothing new to contribute to this scroll of adoration, except to say that this is awesome. Just a really extraordinary piece... great job. wow... its like an hdtv level depiction of what goes on in my mind sometimes. different situations, same vivid intense thoughts, and written expertly.
    jessica
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]


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