Description: I dunno if you guys are getting sick of it, but heres another insane asylum/ psychiatric/ lobotomy type poem from the depths of my deranged mind. This one's more about what the victim goes through before the actual surgery *Laughs Wickedly*. Tell me wat you guys think.
Toxic beads of liquid fear drip down a fractured cheekbone. Masked intentions crystal clear. Multilation cause: unknown.
Great opening stanza, it really caught my attention because it almost forces you to read it. The first two lines seemed like they talked about someone crying from abuse to me, and the third line was so opposittional and I loved that. The last line was like an autopsy decision, lol, I donnnu,. that's just what I got out of it.
The second stanza was really good, especially the stench of hate thing, it really popped out to me for some reason.
My favorite part of this was the last line, lol, it was so hatefully ironic. Tainted surgery, proceed...it's like they, however they are, don't care if the surgery is tainted or not. Very powerful write.
I like this a lot. I think the imagery is very powerful. I can almost feel what you describe as if it were me. This is one of the most important things about writing. If you do not connect with the reader then they will not respond well to the piece. This reminds me of two of my own poems about insane people. One is called Lunacy, and the other is Inside the Criminal Mind. I think you did a very good job, and I don't have any suggestions to change it. LeAnna
Hey, I like this. The words sound cool together and it does have that crazy feeling to it like the description says, hehe. It feels weird to have the feelings of a pacient who'll have surgery written like this. (I've had surgery 2 times.) So I could relate to this! My favorite lines are: "Stench of hate infects the head. Psychopathic therapy." And, they suddenly seem out of place in the poem for a moment, because everything talks about the physical struggle but this part suddenly mentions feelings, which adds more to the crazyness of the poem. Weird poem - in a very good way!
wow I dunno about a nickname but for this comment ur neo cuz i wanna call someone that. lol about time you had another one of these:P you're good tho don't stop or I'll be sad....trippy stuff, makes me wanna get high and see if I get another perspective of it;) hehe I dunno what i wanna say, good write, ~jess
Submission Name: Tainted Surgery, Proceed
. lol about time you had another one of these:P you're good tho don't stop or I'll be sad....trippy stuff, makes me wanna get high and see if I get another perspective of it;) hehe I dunno what i wanna say,