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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Winter in her Eyes |revised|dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1773
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 946



    Description:
       This is the revised version of a poem I wrote long time ago, A lot of people already liked it, but I thought I could do even better than what I already had, I changed it quite a lot. The other version is still on, so you can compare if you like.
    I am still open to other suggestions, whatever they will be.

    And I want to thank Catrina, even though I didnt use her idea.

    Enjoy! Or not

    [and yes that's my eye]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWinter in her Eyes |revised|dots
    -------------------------------------------


    There she goes, with her everlasting stare.
    Frozen and white, as the ground is bare,
    lifeless yet restless, cold as ice,
    it's always winter in her eyes.

    No sun can ever break her mood,
    she never shines, whenever she should.
    And not that she will ever melt,
    for the rays will always get repelled.

    Her hair, like icicles, cover her face
    As she tries and succeeds, to hide her disgrace.
    'Cause no one knows, not even the wise,
    why it's winter in her eyes.

    She wears that secret like jewellery
    Never takes it off, never cares to see
    that others not only stare and gaze
    but also worry about her frosty face.

    When only they would realise
    the truth that lies, deep in her eyes.
    They'd see the very thing they hold
    And it would make her story, finally unfold.




    Submitted on 2006-05-28 08:22:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      a very well-written piece, i love it! i also love how it reveals just to the point of making the reader want to learn something more. great representation, love the flow, wonderful work, over-all i am now dying of curiosity, lol. keep it up <3
    | Posted on 2006-11-25 00:00:00 | by everafter | [ Reply to This ]
      I since some feeling in this deep? Anyway I thought it was a great write!
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this...very intriguing...so i gotta know...why is it winter in her eyes????
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good write, Janneke. I have read both versions of this poem and I definitely preferred this one...it does an excellent job of describing the character, while leaving the mystery of what causes it to be winter in her eyes unsolved. Keep up the good work!

    ~Doh
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, to nitpick first:

    The following lines do not rhyme openly, but poetically. The rest of your poem rhymes openly, so poetic rhyming here doesn't seem to do it for you:

    No sun can ever break her mood,
    she never shines, whenever she should.
    And not that she will ever melt,
    for the rays will always get repelled.

    that others not only stare and gaze
    but also worry about her frosty face.

    Your grammer is ok, and so is your spelling, which is refreshing to see, lol. I don't know how many people on here have never head of spellcheck, though some I can understand. Anyways, it has a good flow, and nice verses. It's very eerie, at the beginning, and really pulls you in, but I think your ending is lacking a little bit. It sort of leaves you like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, and I don't like that feeling, lol. It could use a bit of tweaking on the end I suppose, but it's still a good poem. Nice job.

    With Love,
    Your 'Sister',
    Sara
    | Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
      this reminds me of a song by evanescence... talks about winter... sorry that was random... I LOVED THE IMAGERY! beautiful darlin! It really brought the image to life, the way you described it. I simply love ur poetry... anyways, im done being random now. good write love.
    Evey @>->-
    | Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by CutMeDeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      This was nice Janneke. Though I enjoyed the first one I preferred this. The flow, rhythm and rhyme were tighter here and still could use a little improve but definitely an improve not that the first one was good...its just, you know what I mean.

    Anyway, keep up the good work and take care my friend

    Be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem was cool. sorry i just had to. forgive me for my ridiculous pun and not offering anything of merit. i just couldn't resist myself.
    ~cynthia
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      I am really glad you asked me to check this one out Zeus
    I Loved this
    To me this is a tragic tale of someone who is cold inside only because people are not receptive to her true gift her beautiful Heart
    You wrote this extremely well and actually left me with a tear in my eye at the conclussion
    Very Nicely Done
    I look forward to reading more writes from you
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like this one again you've used the truth and lies in an interesting fashion but I just didn't entice me. Of should be off in this line as already stated above "Never takes it of, never cares to see" There is a laking in depth of your character development here and Many similar lines to the previous piece I read of yours of course it's not a crime for a writer to use multiple lines in repetition. I like the idea, but some elaboration would be nice. In this line I like yet much more than but because you complement the existing rhyme in addition to creating a smoother flow " lifeless but restless, cold as ice, vs. lifeless yet restless. In any case this won't turn me off from your writing I just think it needs more work. thanks for your time. peace.

    | Posted on 2006-05-28 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece, I was expecting a different ending, this one left me wondering.. Anywho I liked your flow, it made me want to read more,hehe. But yeah, I guess I can sorta make my own idea of why this girl hides, and make it my own, dunno. I loved the title of this write, It just sounded mysterious and unique for some reason.

    "Never takes it of, never cares to see."

    "of" I think should be "off".

    Anywho loved this piece, keep up the great work! Take Care Janneke!! I'll be back for more.

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-28 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]


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