Description: I had this placed under 'haiku' _ and yes I knew it was not a real one, because there's no nature part in it [what i dont like of haikus]
According to Abbas this is more a senryu, but as there is no such option, i'll just say its poetry.
I just had these lines in thought, wrote them down, discovered they were nearly 5-7-5 and changed them a bit. lol..
I'm curious to know what you think it's about
Break -------------------------------------------
Now take out the swords
Break away from man-made chains
Live freely once more.
I personally love haikus my friend but I found this write rather interesting. Mainly because to me it doesn't really seem like haiku but poetry following the guidelines of a haiku or something like that. Let tell you a little about the haiku history as a means to sort of enlighten you a little my friend.
Haiku, which consists of three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, evolved from a form of collaborative poetry known as renga. Consisting of chains of interlocking verses of seventeen and fourteen syllables composed by groups of poets, the renga form thrived during the middle age. Eventually, the hokku, the opening of a renga, developed into distinct literary form as haiku.
Reflecting the dominant tastes of Japanese culture, haiku are characterized by precision, simiplicity, and suggestiveness. Haiku present spare yet clear images that stimulate thought and evoke emotion. Because of the brevity of the haiku form, the images cannot be presented in detail. As a result, haiku employ the power of suggestion to produce detailed pictures in th reader's mind. For example, almost all haiku include a kigo, or seasonal word, such as 'snow' or 'cherry blossoms,' that indicates the time of year being described. By establishing the season, the haiku calls to mind all the details and ideas that readers associate with that time of the year.
Although some haiku seem to contain only one image, most present an explicit comparison between two actions:
Poverty's child- He starts to grind the rice And gazes at the moon
By contrasting the task of grinding rice with the boy's observation of the moon, Basho (dude who wrote the haiku above) evokes a sense of longing and captures the soothing effect of nature on the human spirit. Sometimes haiku create a contrast by rapidly shifting their focus from the general to the specific or vice versa. For example, in this haiku by Basho, the reader's eye jumps from an 'old pond' to specific action occurring on the pond:
An old pond: a frog jumps in- the sound of the water.
Because of their brevity and suggestiveness, haiku demand extra effort on the reader's part.
With that said my friend you should definitely take your hand at this again. Seeing thats it your first I'll left you easy this time...lol I hope I was able to offer some help, for this was some hell to type.
I can make only the shallowest guess at what this is about: You feel restricted by society/parents/whatever and want to break free. Or you have already broken free and are simply telling others to do the same. Reminds me of 'The Cave'. It's by a Greek philosopher, Plato or Aristotle I think.
Oh, and 'man-made chains' seems a bit redundant. When you say chains, people will usually automatically think man-made. -HaldirLives
Hey Janneke, I thought you went through that little section on Elite Skills about how what type of poem it is. I guess you did not cover it or that you must of forgot about it. Well Haldir Lives covered up most of the things I was going to say. I agree with the "man-made chains" being redundant. I don't think chains were something natually born. I think it could be "man-made strains."
This senryu to me makes me think of rebel power against something big or higher. I'm kind of getting a "I'm a teen and I'm not going to listen to you" vibe. A bit rebellious. I think this is a solid piece. Very well made and constructed. It follows the five, seven, five pattern.
I am not going to bother reading the other comments and see if they have pointed this out but a Haiku has to be about nature. Another version of Japanese poetry is i.Senryu This is based on human nature. I think your write is more in the zone of a senryu than a Haiku. I would tell you to ignore the restraints of Japanese poetry and make this into regular poetry, but as I now read in your description, you were anyways coming close to the syllable limit of Japanese poetry. Although the site does not give the category of Senryu, you can write so in your descriptions. I found this a very powerful write. You managed the limited word allowance well, and that is always a challenge. This was simple, yet deep if you know what I mean. On the whole, this was a thought provoking poem/senryu. I would like if you took a look at a write of mine. Thanks
Nice work, I just feel your first line could of stated more of the dropping of a sword instead of taking out the swords. Nice work, but could be revised more. I'll Pm you more ideas.
Submission Name: Break
[what i dont like of haikus]
