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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Breath of Airdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladydeathstrike
    ASL Info:    19/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 233/257/79
    Words: 238
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 150
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1539



    Description:
       pretty obvious its more like a nervous rant than anything else. a battle between my inner selves.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Breath of Airdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Okay breathe…
    In and out
    Take it slow, don’t loose control
    Should I do it?
    Should I wait?
    Breathe…
    There has to way
    How do I say it?
    I try but it’s like…
    My voice won’t make a sound
    I’m a scared mouse
    Afraid to come out
    Breathe…
    Okay, okay
    I can do this
    Breathe…
    If only I could only breathe,
    The world would stop spinning.
    Breathe…
    No I can’t,
    This is wrong!
    I can’t say it,
    The words won’t come out.
    Breathe...
    Don’t let the tears flow.
    Please, hold back the tears,
    Don’t let my eyes betray what I cannot say.
    Breathe…
    In and out,
    That’s what it’s all about.
    Breathe…
    Why am I a coward?
    I wish I could say…
    No!
    I wish I could scream how much I care,
    How he makes me feel,
    How his arms hold me tenderly.
    Breathe…
    How I wish the lights would never go on,
    How I wish that time would stand still,
    I have to try,
    For once…
    Okay, okay
    I’m ready.
    I can do this.
    I… remember in and out.
    I…
    His eyes,
    I cannot…
    I…
    Just say it,
    Come on!
    I…think you should leave,
    I missed the moment!
    Once again,
    I listened to my head.
    I hope…
    That my eyes betray my smile,
    And whisper what my mouth failed to say.







    Submitted on 2006-05-28 22:43:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. What else is there to say. This is so sweet. I never knew that you felt this way. Its all so much. Its so sweet though. It gives a sensation of a nervous person, one who is waiting, hoping that she will gather enough courage to say what she truly means. Andy, just say it. Forget conceptions, forget the mind. Truly listen to your heart. Always follow your instinct. Its like in a test, when you tend to follow your instinct you tend to get it right. Just do it. No more thinking. No more worries. Nothing more except you and him.
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      hello

    i like the blistering nervous indecision and the raw pace of the piece as it falls frantically down the page and how spontaneous it feels.

    i like the way it makes me experience that claustrophobic panic attack feeling of being helplessly trapped and frustrated.

    i like the ending and its desperate honest hope.

    if you're planning on editing it at all i would only make a few changes.

    a lot of the punctuation doesn't need to be there and getting rid of it will free the words and increase the pace and maybe even make it more stream-of-conciousness like as no one really punctuates their thoughts, especially in this sort of situation.

    my only other nitpick is a rather strange one. it's just that these lines:
    "In and out,
    That’s what it’s all about."
    they remind me too much of the hokey cokey (or the hokey pokey as it's know your side of the Atlantic). getting the song in my head halfway through the poem kind of spoilt the effect you were creating.

    but that's probably just me.

    but anyway, apart from that randomness i thought it was an interesting poem, thanks for sharing it.

    Adam.
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      i like how i can sense the nervousness in this piece. i like the war that wages in it. the logic vs. lust. sometimes listening to your head may not feel right but it is, but sometimes listening to your head can betray whats in your heart. in the end a decision was made. was it the right one? "i hope..."

    keep writing
    ~cynthia
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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