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    dots Submission Name: Foreverdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 320
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 710
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2000


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The blood shot eye of a dead man
    is staring down from a seething pool of pitch,
    the black wind is howling
    the syrupy soot into dancing shadows

    capering forms mock the still dying peasants
    impaled and moaning
    lining the red road of the undead.
    And fastened within my mind an evil of the darker kind,
    upon the
    of my tortured soul.

    Oh cry havoc, I rail against the chaos of the coming night,
    the blight of the insane tapestry that has become my bane.
    But it is no use, I am consumed by the feeding frenzy of the disease.
    I long only to sate my hunger in a feast of blood.
    To kiss
    dying lips

    and quench my thirst within the hot pulse of life.
    It was then I saw Her,
    quite enchanting really;
    gibbering inanely
    her body wracked by convulsions of terror,
    dirty disheveled and bleeding.
    But with a purity and innocence,
    an almost
    Angelic countenance, a beauty that I wished to possess for eternity.

    How she had escaped the horde I do not know,
    but I do believe that in me she saw an even greater nemesis,
    for her vacant eyes locked upon mine
    and she skittered back
    with just a touch of drool dangling off her exquisite chin;
    some faint spark of reason
    knew me,
    for the thing I am.

    And I believe she would have chosen death in that instant,
    Rather than the fate I had planned.

    Oh, but I fastened my gaze upon her,
    I drank of her beauty within.
    I caressed her with my longing,
    And I devoured her purity of soul.

    Then my lips met her quivering moist skin,
    I sipped,
    I savored,
    I became so enraptured by the pulsating Nectar,
    I decided to keep her ...forever.

    Submitted on 2006-05-29 07:22:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have such a wonderfully diverse vocabulary. There's so much depth in the layers of this write. Open to interpretation as so many of the words used have double or multiple meanings, only hints given in the context.

    I must have read this five times. At first it came across as creepy, then romantic...dark...passionate...deep...full of longing.

    The scene described comes across as very hellish and wearisome, like a dirty dive bar (lol), an out of control bush party, or the scene of some terrible accident, etc...hell on earth.

    Then comes this woman in the scene that in her own ignorance and perhaps inexperience possesses a naivety that translates into an innocence that the jaded narrarator feels a longing to connect with, in the only way he knows how, by contaminating her with his own overpowering lust.

    If I'm way off, I apologize. I found this write quite intellectually and emotionally stimulating. The only criticism I can provide is that there are alot of "I" statements at the end, which I'm sure you're already aware of.
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice piece of work! It is like a fantastic short story written in blank verse. I find the style very mature, the story is very well planned, with a beggining, culmination and a gothic end. I find it very concise, so I don't know if there is anything I can say that is not already written in it. I like auto-referencial works, especially poems, which leave me with a feeling of black and red inside me and keep my mind busy in another level. :) What more can I say?

    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by evangelina | [ Reply to This ]

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