[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The boy who lived.dots

    Author: brokensmile
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 241/326/148
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 885
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1541

       It needs something.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots The boy who lived.dots

    Arms flailed
    Black buttons popping off beetle thread
    Polished eyes opened to close
    Against a cold marble accident
    Her accident, his fault
    Probably the other way around
    But it was the cold cruel hardness of it all
    That weighted down the life he hadnít begun to live.

    And so he Sank
    Or at least he tried
    Prescriptions numbed his water-lunged death
    Continually living and breathing
    The events that appeared before his shell
    A shell to shed, A shell to damage
    A shell to bleed in
    To call home
    But he never felt
    So it could never be like home.

    His body was before him
    The object was his identity
    His soul, completely severed
    Sitting in the palm of his hand
    Squeezing, constricting, in desperation
    Trying to bring it back to something eternal
    To something that would remain behind when a shell would not.

    Orange plastic
    Decided 20 years for him
    When it was over
    The after taste of chemicals was all that was left
    After taste, and the buzz left behind in his brain
    That eerie noise coming from a heart beginning to heal
    More often it was a whimper that escaped him
    Sounding like the immediate pain only surprise brings
    He burned into a forest fire
    He himself a smoldering sea of ashes
    Drowning in his past
    Yet burning to live
    Entirely, completely, in life.

    Submitted on 2006-05-29 16:19:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I don't think this sounds like Harry Potter at all. To me it sounds like a woman dying in child birth and the child surviving.

    I agree that the first two lines of the 4th stanza don't make any sense at all. Maybe if you led into it a bit it'd work better.

    This was sad...

    | Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      What can I say...? It sounds like sort of a modern take on Harry Potter. Must be the title. Anyway, I think the fourth stanza could use some work. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. And the "Orange plastic/decided 20 years for him" doesn't really make sense. With work, this has potential.

    later days,
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Scared written by MyPeriodical
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    I am a sorry son. written by MyPeriodical
    Legends written by poetotoe
    Survive ed - right back at the beginning written by MyPeriodical
    In God's Name written by poetotoe
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical
    Human Progression written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Heroína written by MyPeriodical
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Labor Pains written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    Quoth The Skies and its limits written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Where is My Ghost written by ForgottenGraves
    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Canalizar written by MyPeriodical
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    One day older, One year wiser. written by Rhythmal
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]