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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The boy who lived.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokensmile
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 241/326/148
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 823
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1541



    Description:
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    dots The boy who lived.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Arms flailed
    Black buttons popping off beetle thread
    Polished eyes opened to close
    Against a cold marble accident
    Her accident, his fault
    Probably the other way around
    But it was the cold cruel hardness of it all
    That weighted down the life he hadnít begun to live.

    And so he Sank
    Or at least he tried
    Prescriptions numbed his water-lunged death
    Continually living and breathing
    The events that appeared before his shell
    A shell to shed, A shell to damage
    A shell to bleed in
    To call home
    But he never felt
    So it could never be like home.

    His body was before him
    The object was his identity
    His soul, completely severed
    Sitting in the palm of his hand
    Squeezing, constricting, in desperation
    Trying to bring it back to something eternal
    To something that would remain behind when a shell would not.

    Orange plastic
    Decided 20 years for him
    When it was over
    The after taste of chemicals was all that was left
    After taste, and the buzz left behind in his brain
    That eerie noise coming from a heart beginning to heal
    More often it was a whimper that escaped him
    Sounding like the immediate pain only surprise brings
    He burned into a forest fire
    He himself a smoldering sea of ashes
    Drowning in his past
    Yet burning to live
    Entirely, completely, in life.




    Submitted on 2006-05-29 16:19:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't think this sounds like Harry Potter at all. To me it sounds like a woman dying in child birth and the child surviving.

    I agree that the first two lines of the 4th stanza don't make any sense at all. Maybe if you led into it a bit it'd work better.

    This was sad...

    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      What can I say...? It sounds like sort of a modern take on Harry Potter. Must be the title. Anyway, I think the fourth stanza could use some work. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. And the "Orange plastic/decided 20 years for him" doesn't really make sense. With work, this has potential.

    later days,
    mel
    | Posted on 2006-05-29 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]


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