Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Submissiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunset
    ASL Info:    21/F/Melb, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 76/46/32
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 967
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 648



    Description:
       I guess it's about doing things purely because you don't want to be alone and then realising that you were just being submissive and used and in the end leaving that kind of shitty situation


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSubmissiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Did you enjoy it
    When I bent down to my knees
    And succumbed to you
    Did you feel powerful?
    As my tears fell
    Was that your point?
    To degrade me
    Eyes turned down
    Glazed over
    My blue eyes
    You said you loved
    Or do you just love
    To hurt me
    When you lay your head
    Down for sleep
    Do you wonder why
    Iím not beside you
    Does it hurt your pride?
    To know that I left
    Took my eyes away
    So you could never see
    Me on my knees
    Picture of submission
    Giving you everything
    You never deserved




    Submitted on 2006-05-31 01:14:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely written! I like it especially the end "Giving you everything
    You never deserved"

    I feel the same way I do so much work on the relationship and feel they don't deserve me YET I can't leave! Hmm thats what makes us idiots I guess! Staying in relationships we know aren't good for us! Peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jess

    Did you enjoyed it
    When I bent down to my knees


    I noticed a slight gramatical typo in the first line:

    Did you enjoy it

    Moving on,
    Was that your point?

    I think this line would be better of if it were like this:

    Was that your goal?.

    Does it hurt your pride?
    To know that I left
    Took my eyes away


    The third line of this sounds incorrect. Perhaps you could change it to:

    Does it hurt your pride
    To know that I left and
    Took my eyes away



    That's all I can nitpick.

    In my opinion, you are a very talented writer. This was really depressing and powerful. You chose your words well, and that was great. There were no problems with the flow. I could relate. My "friends" are opressing me. It may sound strange but they don't care what I think and take advantage of my recessive character.

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      i know exactly how you feel...

    except for the few spelling/grammar errors as pointed out by abuzzbuzz92, there was nothing else i saw wrong with it. i like the structure and the flow. there's a lot of emotion in the poem, it's powerful.

    good job!

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by GorgeousCorpse | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    105393

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry