I agree with the prior comment, just as a song can not only be heard but felt, this has the feeling behind it to make the reader a part of this "song".
Make us feel just what you felt as you were sitting there at your locker. Through your images the reader can almost invision the sight of the glorius nature you are creating with your words, but maybe by going further you can not only show us this sight but make us part of it.
I thought your rhyme and flow were wonderful, but I truly believe you are not done with the thought that you trying to put across.
What I want to say is that I think it's great that you're focusing on external subject matter. I'm not saying that internal is bad, but it's usually overdone... and usually done by teenagers on a "woe is me, blah blah blah cut myself the world sucks yadda yadda yadda" trip, y'know? So by writing something like this you automatically distinguish yourself from 90% of the rat-race.
Before someone blows me up on what I just wrote about emo teenager poetry, let me be the first to say that it's fine (and hell, I've written a few now and then lol), but there's an overabundance of the same motifs, with no enthusiasm to go beyond mere emotional outburst to the crafting of words. Sorry about my soapbox rant just then lol-- onto your poem...
I tend to agree with you first commenter about utilizing more than just the sense of sight-- to try and incorporate all five if possible. But with this poem it's more of a chant, a hymn to me-- and in this case, the very brevity of this piece prevents you from exploring other senses in greater detail. But it's a great piece of advice to think about for any other pieces of yours.
I like the positive message in this, in that the natural elements soothe and make everything lighthearted again. It's something I can agree with, being at one with nature myself and happiest when I can get away from it all and relax and not have to worry about diddlysquat.
Two little nitpicks I just noticed: you forgot an apostrophe in "Nature's Song" and you mention "dark" twice in your last stanza-- I think you could switch "darkest" for something else. Just pick something from a thesaurus.
Anyways, I've rambled enough lol. I best get going. Peace, Jase
I definitely think that you were on the right track with this! I like it, especially the meaning behind it. The only things that you really could have done better would be to balance out the two "halves" of the poem. It seems that the first two sections were speaking more about things in nature, and that the thrid and fourth sections were more about the global warming aspect which you touched upon in your description.
Another way to improve this would be to involve more sensory detail. All that is used here is the sense of sight instead of trying to utilize all five senses in combination. Once you can let the reader feel and taste and smell that they are "in" the poem, then the piece will become much more powerful.
Great job, and keep writing! You will get the hang of it :)
Submission Name: Nature's Song
