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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: E5dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 262
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1678
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1723



    Description:
       I literally wrote this in under 10 minutes. And after struggling for so long to write something interesting, it just poured out of me. May need to be edited though... Let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsE5dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Waiting for checkmate in this chess-board life.
    Caught in a net of black and white
    with few movements I am permitted to make,
    I stand composed of plastic and misery craving a command.

    Like a pawn:
    no eyes to see,
    no mouth to speak,
    blind without a voice
    guided by an undiscerning hand.
    Worthess and expendable.

    A life lost in the name of inept progress.
    The game grows unbearable
    and I am jaded by the senseless death and rivalry.

    The knight so valiant
    with good intentions
    sent to fight a clandestine war.
    (Doomed by the 'L' for loyalty that he rides in)

    A rook, greedy and invented,
    cordial in his interaction
    until obtaining all he covets.
    Taking as much as he desires,
    moving forward and to the side,
    never knowing when to stop in one direction or another.

    A bishop overflowing with lies
    scattering an imaginary scripture
    which is labelled truth,
    with a crooked maneuver
    beguiling millions like a snake through the centuries.

    The king and queen with all the strength and influence
    remain motionless at the back in vanity observing the struggle.
    (All ''inferior'' lives pointlessly lost to serve their purpose and accomplish nothing.)
    Never offering assistance, fearing that they may lose their wealth
    or cost themselves the match.
    But life still carries forward when it ends.

    All that is achieved through their actions is murder;
    the reluctance and ignorance kills.




    Submitted on 2006-05-31 19:52:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      good stuff i love chess and love the way you used the pieces to tell a story keep it up man!! good stuff like this is why iv been at this sight not even two days yet am already completely addicted
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
      hey i liked it. i like the chessboard theme. its different and interesting! sorry if i don't write a lot.
    | Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by fallenfromgrace | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I love a good chess game. This was worth the write and worth the read to me.

    To give each figure life and then show their battle skills. The pawn might be just an infantryman but he can control the middle ground.
    The knight so gallent as to hold his own corner of the war.
    The bishop how christain of him to slice up the battle field and then be sacrificed for a check on the king.
    The rooks are stone in their stance to protect their king.
    The queen is a stealthy and wise old [censored].
    The king is regal but he can fall prey to a womans advances.

    I love this peice and it is going to be a fav of mine.

    E5 Nice title


    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      oh i'm sorry it took me so long to get to comment on this. i was at work when you asked me to >.<

    anyhow, marvelous piece. quite good for something to just splurt out in ten minutes... lol, who am i kidding, it's quite good for anything. i'm never going to look at chess pieces the same way again... i'll just end up glaring at them.

    your form is excellent and i found no major spelling errors. keep up the writing and let me know when you post again.

    -jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      Neat stuff. I've read plenty of "chess" themed pieces, and this could hold its head up with most of them.

    My ideas while reading, were to drop the "I" altogether from the piece, to make it all third person. Any statement on life and the roles we play in it has more impact if delivered devoid of self. It would be quite simple to get the few "I"s out of it.

    The final two lines were devoid of a chess reference, so felt like a small let-down. I'd work in a chess thing there to keep the theme constant.

    Very enjoyable, and Ron was almost right...he forgot to say sometimes you can write a good piece in ten minutes...not every time. lol

    Well done, very neat indeed

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I take it u like chess? Well this one is not quite my style but it works I guess. I'm not as fimiliar with chess as some may be so the image u werre trying to create elluded me. Using real life objects to convey a not-so-literal point is common and effective but from me this got no emotion and I had to force read it. I'm not trying to bash u so please don't be upset it's just i am a bird of a different feather and I couldn't take flight on this. Good job thouhg and I was glad to help

    Jay Bird
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Chi-Town Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      You've compared war to a chess game. Quite imaginative and in 10 minutes...Wow. A strong well flowing piece. Wonderfully worded. I honestly loved it. whats more to say

    UmaSoph
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Soph | [ Reply to This ]
      Very intriguing piece indeed. I really do love the way you emphasise and describe with metaphors, it's rather poetic. Your use of rhyming in this one, lack thereof, actually works very well. Usually your pieces are riddled with rhyme, which indeed is a gift in it's own, but this time it just works so well. It doesn't take away from the flow at all. The imagery itself takes me to a whole other world.

    I can feel the emotion flowing within this piece, your emotions; regrets maybe? Hostility? Anger?

    When comparing this poem to life, I believe it's a lot more specific than that. I kind of got the imagery of war, and the way those are treating during warfare.

    Like a pawn:
    no eyes to see,
    no mouth to speak,
    blind without a voice
    guided by an undiscerning hand.
    Worthess and expendable.


    Reminded me of when in war, they'd put those of colour [minorities] in the frontlines just to be killed. Emphasized by worthless and expendable

    This poem also, to me, alludes to the song by Black Sabbath 'War Pigs' Especially this stanza:

    The king and queen with all the strength and influence
    remain motionless at the back in vanity observing all the struggle.
    (All ''inferior'' lives pointlessly lost to serve their purpose and accomplish nothing.)
    Never offering assistance, fearing that they may lose their wealth
    or cost themselves the match.
    But life still carries forward when it ends.


    [Knowing, you know the lyrics to that song] This poem just helps describe the mood and hatred I have toward those people. People who act as if 'pawns' are inferior to them. I love the way when you used the word inferior you used quotations. It put that rage inside of me. The sad part about this is that it's most definitely true, and situations like this have and still do take place. It's as if 'they leave that role to the poor' and 'treat people just like pawns in chess' You really have the emotion embedded.

    Also, I stand composed of plastic and misery craving a command.

    Really reminds me of WWII and the nazi's in a more subtle way, also of a line in Genocide by Judas Priest.

    My favorite stanza having to be:


    All that is achieved through their actions is murder;
    the reluctance and ignorance kills.


    It wraps up the poem so well, and sums it all up with two lines. The sad part again, being the fact that this poem is so truthful.

    Overall, your metaphorical sense in this poem, when describing the knights, rooks, pawns, kings and queens all seem to be people from society who are apart of this 'heirarchy'. Those of the lower status not really wanting to be there, but do so because of their greed to climb the ladder. The 'people' also described in this poem seem to me to be artificial and more over confused.

    The knight so valiant
    with good intentions


    Seems to me to be so artificial. But in a good way, like it was intended that his valiance and overall good character was just a facade. Maybe I'm reading into it too much -_-'

    Just one critism, with few movements I am permitted make,

    I believe you forgot... 'to' as in 'permitted to make' It's the only thing I really noticed that didn't work.

    THank you for sharing your work with me, and I apologise if I'm being too analytical... we're just doing a lot of analysing literary texts in english... so I guess it's gotten a hold on me! Take care, great write indeed. And as always, I can't wait to read more. I love you <3
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]
      E5, is that a chess move? I can't recall, it's been decades since I've played. Well, I think you should speak of limited moves, not movements, because I do recall that much.
    Personally, I think you are trying to cover too much ground with this one. I'd try to settle on one statement to make, and make it. Also, you might depend more on the metaphor and do less explaining. Here is one example.

    Waiting for checkmate
    while Caught in this net
    of black and white.
    Few moves permitted,
    composed of plastic
    and craving command.

    This doesn't scream "me me me" This is more subtle than screaming. But it does say the same thing. IMHO.


    Good luck with your writing,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep... i loved the connection between chess and life. It was clever... I really enjoyed reading it...
    Evey
    @>->-
    sorry i have no feedback really, just enjoyed reading a poem not critiquing it for once. lol
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by InvisibleInk37 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Good Indeed
    In this write I love the way you compared Life to a chess game
    I never realized how many simalarities there are
    You worded this well and the flow is awesome
    Great Job with this one
    God Bless
    Ron

    In this one you proved contrary to what others may say a great write can be delivered in 10 minutes
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm..I really liked this piece, a lot. I despise you my fwend, 10 minutes?!??!?!??! I've been having major writers block now..kinda sucks.. But eh, back to the topic.I first stanza was my favorite, I liked the image it put into my head. Just made life seem controlled and depressing to me..The only thing I would fix up is the flow, because some stanzas and lines seemed chunkier and longer, it just kind of threw off the flow a bit. But anywho lovely piece, and I will be back for more of your work!! Take Care!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      I have had a huge writers block lately but besides that (as you can probably tell cuz they suck ass) most of my writes r under 10 minutes, I really did like this and I thought it was pretty original compared to what you usually read on this site. the flow was off in some parts- especially near the beginning but other than that I really liked this one. I loved how you took such an unused topic and brought your own perspective to it, I really do love your writings and you have your own style that is so different from what I get complacent in reading after a while on here. good stuff hun, keep writing, can't wait for the next one.
    ~~huggles,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmmm. I like this one. A lot. The way you compared yourself to a pawn, just blank and vacant, with little signifigance in the game. I'm a chess fan myself, call me nerd, that's why I chose to read this one. (I saw the E5 and thought of chess spaces and guitar chords...)but I really do love this poem.
    What I like best is that I can think of people in my life to be singled out to play the parts of the Queen and Bishop, etc. That's what makes it great, it's dark, but relateable.
    If relateable is a word, that is :).

    I like your work.

    And 10 mins? Thats good.


    Scarlett
    | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by ScarlettFever | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this piece i can kinda relate to the pawn this one is something that people can relate to and feel almost the same way
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by SecludedSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      An original piece. I'm not one to critique works, but I'm glad to give my opinions.

    Take out the " I. " I noticed that there we only a few in the piece, so why not just make the whole thing third person?

    I don't know if I'm just making things up, but there's something a little weird going on at the beginnings of the stanzas after the second one.

    "Like a pawn:
    no eyes to see,
    no mouth to speak,
    blind without a voice
    guided by an undiscerning hand.
    Worthess and expendable."

    And then..

    "The knight so valiant.."
    "A rook, greedy and invented.."

    Etc.

    I don't know if it's just me, but it's just that "like" that's throwing me off a little. The narrator doesn't seem to compare himself to the other pieces. Unless that was intention..

    "All that is achieved through their actions is murder;
    the reluctance and ignorance kills."

    A wonderful line, by the way. It really caught my attention. Made me want to read it over again. A favorite, if I do say so myself.
    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by Jordyn | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting theme. It is original and it captures the readers attention it forces you to think of the pieces and place them in your world through personification. This was done very well, I would not know how to improve upon it.
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by chained_under | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    105486

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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