Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Death do us Part...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyMim
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 223/303/117
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1163
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 599



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath do us Part...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breathe in deep my broken one.
    Our life began at rising sun.
    Though eager youth fades 'way with time,
    Your love for me, in truth, sublime.

    Behold our chord is torn in two,
    Alone I'll be, with no more you.
    The pain and grief that tears inside
    shall not succumb to darkened side.

    Don't leave me now! Impale my heart!
    For surely death will, from one, part.
    At eve of life, in sleep you'll rest.
    Yet bond ne'er broke through lovers test.

    Inhale...exhale...gone.




    Submitted on 2006-05-31 23:50:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      most of your poems i have trouble understanding since I'm only 16, but I do understand this. It is more than just a love that many people, often young people, think they have but really don't. It's a love that comes from the heart, not the head. While I was reading your poem, your style reminded me a lot of Emily Dickenson. I hope you take that as a compliment because she is my favorite poet. What makes me think of her is the way your words just flow through without parts that don't seem to fit in.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, I actually rather liked the idea of this poem, but your chopped up idea's are hard to follow sometimes. Especially

    For surely death will, from one, part.

    Makes me unsure, but I kind of understand where you're coming from when writing this line, because I've written a few like that.

    I like the abstract feeling to this poem. It's melancholy, but I don't believe that 'death' is actually death in this poem. I'd go out on a limb here with guessing, but I don't want to make myself seem foolish, naive.

    Also

    Our life began at rising sun.

    I dont believe that's grammtically correct, maybe 'our life begin [with the] rising sun? Just a suggestion.

    Thanks for sharing.

    By the way, the picture is rather beautiful.
    | Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]
      "For surely death will, from one, part."

    i think this line is quite hard to make sense of and read out. maybe just inverting it differently without those two niggly commas making it weird? just a thought.

    the rest of it flows well in my opinion though.
    ~patch
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by jetstream_candy | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm. perhaps, a bit over the top, with the last line. i really think that, it was not only necessary, but in fact took away from the piece altogether. a beautiful plea, from the heart, surely...though, still, quaint, and simply 'simple'. maybe there just wasnt enough to it...it ended up being the signature to a letter, a letter which contained no body. i think that the potential of your words, exceeds being able to universally relate...and would have loved to see you have personably attached this to a memory, a feeling, an individual thought. but, hey, thats most certainly your call. overall, i thought it was clever. but lacked the finesse of a great piece...you definitely have something going for you, however...

    take care...
    t.
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      reminds me of a romeo and juliet kiknd of love.. the thoughts that ran through their heads during their last moments of life..
    i would love to see this written without it rhyming there are parts where it takes away from the message like
    Behold our chord is torn in two,
    Alone I'll be, with no more you.
    it would be so much stronger if
    Behold, Our chord is torn in two
    and I am left alone.
    and I don't really like the side, inside ryming in the next lines....
    but the overall message is beautiful and like I said Rome and juliet type
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I like it and I think there is something to this.
    I gather that till death do us part is for the one that is at deaths door. I am not sure but that is what I gather from this write.

    If not then it is meant to be a reminder that the vows are still true in your heart.

    The last stanza makes me think that your other half is suffering and you ask him to hang on,

    Then it ends with

    Inhale...exhale...gone. Last breath

    Well If I haven't said it yet then this is a great peice and it does have finesse.

    Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    105519

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    ME written by jjd
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    untitled written by Chelebel
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To written by SavedDragon
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Bond written by saartha
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Incubus written by monad
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    This written by Chelebel
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry