Fast Lane by wewak11

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Submission Name: Fast Lane dots

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Author:	wewak11
Elite Ratio:	3.8 - 3432/3623/327
Words:	206

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	297
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1859

Description:
Half a lifetime...passes so quickly...don't waste it!

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Fast Lane dots

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Bus stop waiting
Noises grating
Traffic fuming, speeding, zooming
Morning glory
Same old story
Breathe pollution, no solution.

Work till sighing
Prospects dying
Constant dreaming, stifled screaming
Deftly masking
Multi-tasking
Air-conditioned, walls partitioned.

Workplace lovers
Under covers
Text transmission, heart's decision
Salivating
Store room mating
True devotion earns promotion.

Saint or sinner?
T.V. dinner
Shower, combing, disco roaming
Dancing, chatting
Sweet Tom Catting
Young first timer, social climber.

Joking, drinking
Glasses clinking
Elbows touch when fingers clutch then
Fumble, frantic
Unromantic
Back seat sweating, rules forgetting.

Tearful waving,
Notch engraving
Soundly sleeping, while she's weeping
Office sorrow
On the morrow
Sexy boasting, workmates roasting.

Soon detecting
Child expecting
Love you too-ing, loud I Do-ing
Newly wedded
Level headed
Budget planning, night life banning.

Late night meeting
Playful cheating
New seeds sowing, children growing
Come home dizzy
Much too busy
Been out drinking, slanted thinking.

Wife is crying
Bodies lying
Paramedics, anesthetics
Down the wrong track
Kids were on crack
Never noticed, nothing focused.

Sit and ponder
Think then wonder
Wrinkled tears flow, how the years go
All was wasted
Cut and pasted
Trigger, pull it - kiss the bullet.

Submitted on 2006-06-01 23:30:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  We can get soo wrapped up and lost in the rat race.

This is a fast moving, edge of your seat piece. The use of a rhyme every four syllables should have made this choppy and hard to follow, but the rhythm is so catchy that you find youself reading faster and faster, until your brain tells you to slow down and read it, not just fly past the words to find out how it ends. (I read the end of scary books first- but only once in a while.LOL)

I know you hate repetition and trying to offer a suggestion on word choice is stumping me, but I wondered if you changes the first 'then' in this piece to 'when' it keeps the rhythm, and you're not repeating. (A hugely minor nit-pick...)

"Joking, drinking
Glasses clinking
Elbows touch when fingers clutch then
Fumble, frantic
Unromantic
Back seat sweating, rules forgetting.

And I stumbled and fell on my face with Doing. Maybe a small bit of punctuation???

Soon detecting
Child expecting
Love you too-ing, loud "I Do"-ing
Newly wedded
Level headed
Budget planning, night life banning.

(Wait, I don't know if I like that either.

I wish I could think clearer...)

Oh well, I liked this piece a lot!

Am Happy,

Chell
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  Ohh Graeme, you make me want to howl. Like a freight train, getting loaded, then railroaded- like life tells us what we need before
we listen or think.

I saw on word I think you could omit and it won't change a thing,
just bring the meaning into present tense..

Kids on crack [were]
never noticed, nothing focused,

And that is the only thing I see. A great write and somewhat of
a tribute to the scared feminine in my mind.
Thanks for sharing,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  let's see. the moral of this story is not to fool around at work? it was very entertaining and I'm not sure how you got all that information into all those perfect rhymes, but it was very neat. sad story though. glad it's not mine!
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  to say that i really enjoyed reading this would be an understatement. this is publishable material (is publishable even a word?). anyhoo, yea... great poem. i love the progression. the ending came by as a shocker which makes it all the more appealing. your word choice was meticulous, your rhyming pattern appropriate, your message thought provoking and valuable. at first glance i didnt see anything that needed immediate correction. overall an excellent piece.
~cynthia
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
  That was one awesome ride....I loved so much about this poem. It was creative in every sense of the word. It was deep but not overtly or pompous! It was fast paced and from the first line i heard its raw rhythm in my head and we were off. The rhyming was first class and very intricate showing displaying how carefully placed each word was. This is a poem I can read over and over again and never get bored with. Thanks for posting it.
~Alexander Blue
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by Alexander Blue | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW. YOUR STYLE IS INCREDIBLE! I LOVED EVERY VERSE, I WAS LIKE READING AND TRYING TO GO FASTER JUST SO THAT I COULD READ WHAT YOU HAD WROTE NEXT! IT WAS LIKE EXHILARATING AND TRUE, OH SO TRUE. I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT MY POETRY WILL COME ACROSS AS SOLIDLY AND SOUNDLY AS YOURS. IM ADDING YOU TO MY FAVORITES. GREAT JOB.
CAROL
| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by carolspencer707 | [ Reply to This ]
  what a ride, Graeme! i'm dizzy...
this is so good and is packed with dark images of the kinds of mistakes we make in our life.. unfortunately, i could relate to a few of them..
i read it like that scene in Willie Wonka where they go through that tunnel and Gene Wilder goes off with the weirdest monologue, and it gets faster and faster. check it out if you haven't already seen it, and you'll know what i'm talkin' about.

good work here. you're just churnin' them out, aren't you? i've read your seven deadlies series, and they're a riot! keep writin', we need you!

love,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  How true is this? Very true indeed! This is such a well crafted poem from start to finish and I really enjoyed reading this. From the title to every word of this, the momentum just kept getting faster and faster and the significance of the words grew and grew with each line. You have told such a sad yet real story here that I am sure lots of people can fit right into. Life is such a precious gift and even when you are young you cant be sure how much time you have to live, to enjoy life, to make the right decisions. And what is worse is people who live long lives, wind up elderly and full of sadness and regret over a lifetime of decisions that they can never fix. Live each and every day to the fullest, but also live wisely. The fast lane might be an exciting ride, but ultimately the price is high. I prefer a more leisurely stroll myself. This is an excellent poem. Nothing to criticize here. Great stuff! Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-06-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

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12. Does it feel original?

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