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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Supplementarydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swanne
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 258/206/43
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 197
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1084



    Description:
       all Thanks goes out to Hyperglo and Donn for helping my fix up the last stanza...

    Glad you guys could help me...
    Swanne


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSupplementarydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once you were this man-child,
    Simple, selfish and cruel.
    I, this ascetic adolescent
    Scribbling noncreative nonsense.
    Together, something more.
    Not useless like one white sock.
    Pathetic like a cat in heat.
    Something more then now?
    Better then left over Chinese food
    In the bottom of the fridge?

    Formerly, we were the rebels
    Driving fast in your Ford.
    Now years have separated us
    Like a scalpel to skin.
    Singly you are this big boy plagued
    With asthma and duck feet.
    I, the half Latino girl
    With small breasts and weepy eyes.
    Together, something more?
    More then youthful mistakes.


    In the past I would have ran you over
    with my car.
    Today I would stop you in the street
    and say hello.
    Back then you would have stuttered
    something irrelevant.
    Now, maybe
    the words
    Would flow
    more freely.
    Together we have learned
    To be something more
    apart.




    Submitted on 2006-06-03 04:18:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Classic Swanne,

    It looks like you are finally back.

    Not just back on Elite, but back writing in that beautiful style that so attracted me to you when I first read 'The green grass is yellow' a few months ago.

    I think it is important to know that your car was red and his was a Ford, but I think you should have used the word 'run' instead of 'ran'.

    I know that 'ran' is the past tense of 'run', but because you say "In the past..." it looks like you are talking about the 'present' in the 'past'.

    A google search for 'I would have run you over' gets 48 hits while the phrase 'I would have ran you over' only results in 8 hits.

    In other words, to me...
    'I ran you over...' sounds better that 'I run you over...'
    'I would have run you over' sounds better that "I would have ran you over'

    Donn


    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice and sort of funny in a way...I think the first two lines in the last stanza did that, they made me laugh.

    I think of this more as an understanding poem instead of a longing one, but since there isnt an understanding category, I guess ya gotta use what you get.

    I think where you use "then", it should be "than".


    As for the last stanza, what about this:

    In the past I would have ran you over
    with my car.
    Today I would stop you in the street
    and say hello.
    Back then you would have stuttered
    something irrelevant.
    Now, maybe
    the words
    Would flow
    more freely.
    Together we have learned
    To be something more
    apart

    Just my thoughts. Anyway, nice stuff maynard.
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice. There are heaps of neat images that you've used in this that will ring a lot of readers' bells.

    Mostly, I like the actual lesson of the poem, then and now, how people change and grow, and how two people are sometimes better apart.

    Very very good, the more I read it, the more I like it (except for the chinese food bit, I can't put that into relevance)

    well done

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this very much Swanne. The blunt and edgy wording of this gave this poem a haunting feel and also made it seem more realsitic and less dramatic. I liked the way you took the reader through the stages of this love affair, and the ending was perfect to me. You did a great job girlfriend.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]



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