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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crescent
    ASL Info:    15/female/NC
    Elite Ratio:    3.45 - 49/54/31
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1066
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 572



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I found a way to get over him
    When i am around you
    How do you do it?
    Because all you do
    Is tickle me.
    You didn't know i liked you
    Until my friend told you
    But i let her
    So you would know
    Exactly how i feel.
    Do you feel the same?
    Or a tool you can use?
    My heart is fragile
    If i give it to you
    Promise not to break it.
    Because it's been broken
    Once before.
    So please handle my heart with care,
    And lead me away from heart break.




    Submitted on 2006-06-03 17:33:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I found a way to get over him
    When i am around you
    How do you do it?
    Because all you do
    Is tickle me.
    You didn't know i liked you
    Until my friend told you
    But i let her
    So you would know
    Exactly how i feel.
    Do you feel the same?
    Or a tool you can use?
    My heart is fragile
    If i give it to you
    Promise not to break it.
    Because it's been broken
    Once before.
    So please handle my heart with care,
    And lead me away from heart break.


    I noticed some wording problems in this one. Otherwise, I thought that this was really powerful. I liked the lines where you mentioned your heart and how it's fragile. It made the write very unique. Otherwise, this was direct and interesting to read. I also liked how you related 2 events, one that is happened and one that you wish will not happen. I have thought of some things to smoothen the choppy wording:

    I see myself over him
    When i am around you
    How do you do it
    Just by tickling me.
    You didn't know that I liked you
    Until my friend told you
    But I asked her to
    So that you would understand
    Exactly how i felt about you
    And hope to here
    The same from your mouth
    Do you feel the same?
    Or a tool you can use?
    My heart is fragile
    If I give it to you
    Please don't break it.
    Because it's been broken
    Once before.
    So please handle my heart with care,
    And lead me away from heart break.


    There still might be more improvement but it's not getting to me right now. Let me know what you think, and please if you get the time, then take a look at a write of mine. Thanks


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]


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    105840

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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