What a great idea, that love can be more romantic than lust!
I really enjoyed reading this piece, I especially fell in love with the last stanza. The rhyme scheme fit so well...I didn't even notice it was intentional, and I admire that.
The first stanza seemed a bit cliché (I know, how dare I say it), but I just don't think I was as in 'awe' of it as I was the later two. However, the last 'concluding' lines of each stanza really fit well together and ended each with a feeling of satisfaction.
I am really in love with the last stanza, though:
Ever-stirring starlight swirls in your gaze It holds me entranced, day after day Your love envelops me like blankets of dust- This epic love more romantic than lust.
"Ever-stirring starlight swirls in your gaze" is beautiful, it has amazing imagery.
The last two lines are especially wonderful, as well. Your poetry got stronger as it went a long--unlike most which seems to fade away with poor endings. But I must admit, the last two lines really gave the whole poem a PUNCH. I really don't know if I would like the poem as much without these ending lines, they fit so well together and really sum up the entire poem.
As for the message, I think it is rather generic, but sometimes, I think, we feel like we must do generic. But you really added to the emotion of the poem with your amazing words and imagery. If anything, I'd spiff up the first two stanzas to make them as memorable as the last.
Wow. I loved this piece, it was very, very elegantly done. My favourite part(s) had to be *ahm-ahm* (let me clear my throat):
1.) Of the emotion, the passion, that lies deep within- This righteousness more tempting than sin.
It was a very graceful way of saying that true love is better then, sex. The words you used, are a perfect fit.
2.)Your love envelops me like blankets of dust- This epic love more romantic than lust.
For me, the ending is the most important part of any poem. I'm not sure why, maybe it is because thats the last thing I usually remember. It would really have to be a message to sum up the whole point of the poem. That said, this was a beautiful ending. Beautiful Job!
Well, all I can say is wow. But I thought it was rather...hmm...OBVIOUS. Of course this might be my own observations into human nature, and perhaps the most obvious things are best stated in poetry, but there could be a little bit more originality. I don't know... It left me wondering at different aspects of 'stuff.
Overall it was better than anything I've ever written.
P.S. - I'm that one guy who's playing piano for you at the showcase assembly.